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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Adoption is bitter/sweet...


My name is Meghan.
I bought these awesome jeans at the local mall. Size zero, just like always.
I got back home and tried them on.
They were way too small. I couldn't even zip the zipper!
I thought to myself 'I don't gain weight'. I have weighed 95 pounds for the past three years of my life!
I knew something was wrong.
I had no other symptoms.
No nausea.
No morning sickness.

I had to get a pregnancy test.
I dragged a friend along and bought three pregnancy tests from the dollar store.
We arrived at her house and I was eager to find out so I took them, all three of them.
Positive.
I just stood in that bathroom and stared. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
My emotions were so stirred up that I had no clue how to act.
I walked into her living room and she asked what the results were..
I said 'Yep, I'm pregnant'.
The friend started freaking out and all I could do was laugh.
I was freaking out so bad that all I could do is laugh!
Once I had calmed down a little bit I decided that I should go to the store and buy an expensive, legit pregnancy test.

Both of those were positive too!
I still couldn't comprehend so the next day I bought one more test.
It was positive.

February 12, 2010 I found out that I was pregnant.

I was dating someone at the time so naturally I assumed the child was his.
He ignored me for a couple of days until I showed up on his doorstep on Valentine's Day.
I told him that I really was pregnant and that I needed him to be there for me.
We held each other and sobbed.
He told me it would all be okay and that I would not have to go through it alone.

We didn't talk much after that.
When I was four months pregnant he moved in with my mother and I.
Our relationship was super rocky and we fought almost constantly.
I was so stressed out over everything.
He had brought up the option of abortion before but I am strictly against that so now he was bringing up adoption.
I was completely against that also.
This is MY baby. I want it. I want to see its first crawl, hear its first chuckle, and take it to its first day of school.
I was scared.

I went to my first ultrasound when I was five months pregnant. They told me it was a boy!!
I was much further along than I had thought.
I thought I was only three months along, when in fact I was five.
We were not together when my baby was conceived.
I freaked and had no idea what to do.
I didn't tell him because I was in denial.

A month passed and we got in an intense heated argument.
The next day he moved back to Arkansas.

I was left alone to deal with this so all of the possibilities of the future came rushing into my mind.
I googled a few adoption agencies and was sent a packet from two of them.
I carefully scanned through each profile that I was sent but nothing felt right.
The people in the profiles were fake to me.
They looked like they were acting like they were perfect in the pictures to try and persuade me to pick them.
I didn't want that nor did I want someone in a completely different state who I didn't know to have my baby.. so I put all of that on hold.

My stepsister introduced me to a lady named Erin.
She lived in the same town and already had two children.
Her husband had already gotten a vasectomy and she just wanted one more.
I thought that I would give it a shot although I wanted my baby to be the first child joining the couple.
We talked for a week or so and everything was moving way too fast.
She had already gotten an attorney, wanted to go shopping for him,
and sent me a text that said 'I am paying the attorney so you better not change your mind.'

That was it for me. I was not comfortable.
The next day after the text I called her and gently told her that I was not comfortable and that I needed to explore my options.
She was very rude to me after that.
I am glad that she was rude because I knew I didn't like her for some reason and she showed it by getting angry and saying nasty things to me.
So once again, I put it all on hold.

One day I went to work and my boss asked me what my plans were for the baby.
I said that I had thought about adoption and parenting but that I was not having any luck finding a good family.
She told me that her niece had a syndrome known as Turner's syndrome.
She was told she couldn't have children when she was eight years old and that her and her husband would love to adopt.

I didn't know my boss well but I decided to give it a chance.
She gave me her niece's phone number and about a week later I finally got the nerve to call her and her husband.
Her voice was so warm and inviting, I had talked to her for twenty minutes and instantly felt I could trust them with everything.

They already had a planned trip to the town I lived in to see family so we decided that when they came we would meet.
The following weekend I met them at a park and was instantly convinced they would be perfect for my child.

Throughout my pregnancy I called them after every doctor's appointment and every counseling appointment.
I knew this was going to be great.

After a long conversation with my mother I decided it was time to tell my old boyfriend that I had not conceived when we were dating.
I was scared to do this but I did.
When that was over with I decided to confront the real father via text message.
I didn't know how else to do it.
He didn't say much, just that he had figured the whole time that the baby was his.
We didn't talk after that.

In August I went to my check up for the last time.
My doctor informed me that I would be induced the following Monday.
I called the adoptive mom and told her.
She started to cry and told me that the date I am being induced was her grandmother Rosaline's birthday.
This was so significant to her because her grandmother had raised her and had passed away.
After I heard that I knew I was doing the right thing.
Everything was so perfectly falling into place.

The last week of my pregnancy I was so excited to see my baby and so happy to give them the greatest life.
I couldn't wait to see their faces when he arrived.

August 09, 2010 I awoke and got ready to go to the hospital.
I was being induced at 5 a.m.
I had never been more anxious or scared in my entire life.
Labor lasted 13 hours but thanks to the epidural I barely felt any pain.
At 6:40 PM my baby GIRL was born.


I looked at the nurses that were cleaning her off and they said 'It's a girl!'
I thought I was hallucinating.
Sure enough it was.
We decided to name her Madisyn Rosaline DeeAnn
(DeeAnn is my middle name!)

When I looked at that little girl my heart raced.
I had never felt anything more intense and amazing.
She was the most beautiful little thing I had ever laid eyes on.
I never knew what love was until I held her for the first time.


Later on that night the adoptive parents came by my hospital room for a short visit.
I did not sleep that night, or the next night, I didn't want to miss anything!
I knew that the time I was in the hospital was my time to bond with my little girl.
I knew it was the most time I would get alone with her for a long time.


My doctor told me I could go home on the second day but I stayed another night.
I was not ready to let go of her, not just yet.


The day it was time to leave came faster than I thought it would.
The adoptive parents, my mother, Madisyn, and I all gathered in the hospital room for pictures and the goodbyes.
I put her in her car seat and carried her downstairs to their car.
It was so hard putting her in their car when my car was parked right next to theirs.
We took a few more pictures and went our separate ways.


I was so numb when I left the hospital, I barely showed any emotion.
My face was blank and I didn't know what to say.

Luckily, they stayed in town for the next couple of weeks waiting for all of the papers to be finalized.
I visited Madisyn every other day until they went home.

My sister gave birth to her daughter the day Madisyn left.
The hardest thing to do was watch her take her daughter home.
When I held my niece all I could think about was Madisyn.

It has been two months now! I take life one day at a time and try not dwelling on the fact that I gave my daughter away.
It helps to think about her future and how happy she will be thanks to my decision.
Also, I am able to go back to school and make something of myself.
I want her to grow up and think of me as an amazing woman.
I want her to know that I chose adoption because I was only eighteen years old, I had no money, I had barely any support.
I want her to know that it was the best possible option and that when I met her adoptive
parents I fell in love.
They are everything I was looking for.
We have a VERY open adoption. I can call, text, email whenever I need to and we are visiting for the first time since they have been home in the next month or so!
As for the birth father and I, we have reconnected and talk often.
Although he was not a part of my pregnancy or the birth of our very beautiful daughter he tells me all of the time that I did the right thing.
He will be joining me on my trip to see Madisyn and I can not wait for the two of them to meet.



Adoption is a very tough decision, but you just need to hang in there.
It is the most bittersweet feeling that you could EVER feel.
I am so blessed to still be apart of her life.

3 comments:

  1. You ARE an AMAZING WOMAN! :) THANK YOU FOR SHARING!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. wow what an amazing story and such a strong young woman...thanks for sharing

    ReplyDelete