Matters Of The Heart

MY ADOPTION JOURNEY :)

2011-11-18T07:00:00.001-08:00

My husband and I had talked about adopting for years, since we dated and I was 16 actually. We always knew adoption would be apart of our life. Little did we know it would be such a great blessing and that instead of one child there were three for us.
I am a person that believes in help from God or God's hands are in our lives if we so allow them to be. I am also a person who believes in "Sign" or "revelation" .
As I said before we had always known we wanted to adopt and would need to adopt to complete our family but MONEY was always the factor keeping us from that dream. Let's face it, it can cost a pretty penny to adopt a child in the United States and even more outside of it.
Well, in Jan 2009 I had a dream, and this was no ordinary dream. A friend of mine who had just died came to me in this dream.

(this is my friend and her little girl, she is dead now, but she is who came to me) She was dressed in all white... beautiful and perfect looking. She came to me in my dream in a 15 passenger white van. I looked at her and was so happy to see her again. I kept thinking about how she had such a beautiful brilliant glow about her. She looked at me and smiled and then reached down and picked up an infant. All I saw of the infant was it was in a cream color sleeper and the back of its head. I had no clue if it was a girl or a boy. My thoughts and what I said to her was,"Did you adopt?" and then I saw the back of the head of the baby and I said to myself," that looks like one of my babies" and the thought was she was bringing me my baby. As I jumped up to run and hold the baby, I jumped up in my bed for real and woke straight up. The dream left me excited and over anxious. When I shared that dream with my husband he too knew that it was time to adopt. We both felt like the child was already born or going to be any day. The over anxious feeling of not getting adoption ready fast enough was overwhelming... We will come back to this part in a little bit so you can see where it all fits in my eyes as God showing me what was meant to be.

So we signed up with LDS FAMILY SERVICES for two reasons, we are of that faith and because its only 10% of your yearly income to adopt. Which seemed possible for us to be able to do. It all started for us in Feb 2009. We were actually online on our 19th wedding anniversary :) June 23rd. That was something to celebrate, even though we started the process immediately in Jan.

Through out this "WAITING and HOPING" process to be "CHOSEN", I met some of the most AMAZING women in the world. BIRTH MOTHERS! OH my gosh how I fell in love with each one I came across. How I was so deeply moved and touched by each unique story as to how they became birth mothers. How incredibly moved I was because they inspired me to want to be a better person! How Selfless and full of love and hope these woman were and are! To obtain half the faith, courage and strength they each possessed was incredible to me. These woman changed my life and perspective on what ADOPTION was and how it SHOULD look. They changed my mind from wanting a closed adoption to wanting and advocating OPEN ADOPTIONS! This is how my blog came about, from meeting these amazing woman. I just wanted to do more and to help others the way they had. (I know this blog is not much but it was what I felt inspired to do and all I knew I could do)

Ok so back to my journey.

We were chosen "twice" and each time the birth moms lost the baby. The wait was killer! To say Killer is such an understatement! You really put your heart out on your sleeve. You try not to but every little piece of hope or news of someone who knows someone who might want to consider placing with you or is even pregnant and considering adoption, really tends to make you over focus on that one hope. To the point it almost takes over your whole day or life. I am not kidding! This was how it was for me anyhow. You hope and you pray... You constantly look for new ways to get your family's profile seen. You start handing out adoption cards with your family's blog or info on it to everyone... Friends, Family, your hair dresser and yes even in your bills! You become this WHO ELSE CAN I GET THIS CARD TO PERSON! Because when we were with our agency they told us, " YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHEN A FRIEND OF A FRIEND KNOWS SOMEONE." You look at Internet sites about adoption, you make video's and post them. You leave your info or blog site on your emails and on your face book page. And YES, I did all these things and more to make sure I did my part in finding my child or Birth Mom that we had prayed for and dreamt about.

Through out this journey, I started to feel prompted to go towards foster care. I was not even open to that idea when it first came to me. My husband and I felt like, NO WAY! We want and know we are meant to have a baby! But after time, God has a way of slowly helping you to see the "LIGHT" and the way HE wants you to go when its needed. And that is exactly what he did for us. I kept thinking about foster care, it just kept coming back to my mind and would happen at all sorts of time. My friend was doing foster care and had already adopted one child.

(they adopted one and will be adopting two more and amazing people in our lives) So I asked her a lot of questions, sometimes repeating myself at different times on the same questions.
Then one day I asked my husband if he would consider fostering to adopt. He said he would consider it... Over a period of 6 months we both started to feel strongly that fostering to adopt was what we should do. It was weird how you go from feeling so strongly about one thing to another. But for record, we DID need to sign up with our adoption agency and would never had if we had gone with the original idea of fostering to adopt. :)
So I had called Health and Welfare and started to put in our adoption profile papers with all them around us. But that wasn't enough. I knew it and felt it. We even tried for a child from Wednesday Child, got to be one of the final three families and did not make it to adopt that child. (that is a whole different story and it was hard, but not meant to be and I know that and see that now) Anyhow so I felt like we didn't get that child because we didn't have our PRIDE classes done. SO I signed us up in November for Pride classes. They were booked out until Feb of 2011. These are 6 week classes that you have to take in order to become licensed foster parents.
This is where it gets good! GREAT EVEN! One day in late November, I felt discouraged and lost. Directionless, so I got on my knees and poured out my soul to God. I told him my hopes and dreams, my hurts and desires. I thanked him for everything so far we had been blessed with and I asked flat out for direction. I told him I signed up for Pride and that they were booked out till February. I asked if Fostering to Adopt was really the way we were suppose to go and I added I felt old! That this journey was becoming long and I was not getting any younger.
Well, about 2 hours later from praying I received a phone call from a lady in Health and Welfare, she said a class that weekend was opening up (with pride) that it was a 3 week coarse instead of 6 and that OUR NAMES JUST CAME TO HER! She also said THIS NEVER HAPPENS! So I said YES!! and we took the 3 week coarse and became LEGAL LICENSED FOSTER PARENTS WITH THE ABILITY TO ADOPT RIGHT AWAY because all our stuff was ready through our agency.
THIS CLASS ENDED A COUPLE DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS and the whole time we took the coarse they warned us that we could get "THE CALL" to foster anytime. I then started to pray that the Lord would wait till the new year before placing with us any child, foster or to adopt because I don't do well with last minute changes and holiday stress. And that is what the Lord granted me :)
Jan 5th I was walking into the movies, I wanted to see Life as we Know it. And as I walked in I heard in my head," You are going to be called as soon as the movie starts with YOUR children" I kinda laughed at myself and said,"YEAH RIGHT" And then that is what happened. So I had to walk out of the movie, get my money back and rush home to prepare for THREE little children.
Three beautiful little children.

One boy who was 4, one girl who was 3 and one other little girl who was 2. The little boy turned 5 a week later the 3 yr old turned 4 at the end of that month. (JAN 2011) As my husband and I were instantly consumed with three little children who had very big needs at first... we were over whelmed. We were told that these children will need to be adopted at some point soon. They placed these children with us because we had the space and ability to adopt them. We were not sure about it all. But then little "SIGNS" happened for me to see the "LIGHT" and to know in my heart that these are indeed the children that God had chosen for us. Meant to bless us :)
One was my dream.... My baby girl who is 2 was born in December and my dream that I mentioned in the beginning was exactly 2 years from when she was born. I had told the Lord that we would need a bigger vehicle, because I have 5 children and then 3 more, someone was always being left behind or had to go in a separate vehicle. So with that prayer came an answer and one day I looked at my husbands computer and he was looking into 15 passenger vans. Which we did buy :) at an auction. :)

Things have been provided for these children. Its been amazing how so many people are behind us and helping us. From giving me breaks with the kids to giving me things that I didn't have... toys and clothes. To always encouraging me to continue on when days have been hard. Even food, 3 more just placed after I spent our very budgeted food budget on groceries left us tight and me worried. How would I feed them? And God once again answered my prayers and inspired a friend of mine to share that with us. She brought us by 300 dollars worth of food and told us her pantry was already full . So to say were blessed is an understatement. I am thankful she felt the promptings of the holy ghost and acted up on them! So blessed she did!

These children complete our family in every way. 10 is enough for sure!

( there is one extra in this picture, my second daughter's boyfriend but he is so apart of our family so its all good!) I have been excited to share my adoption journey with everyone and now I can. :) So there you have it... Our little story of how we all came to be. There is a lot of healing happening in our house for these three. The trauma they have been put thru has been heart breaking. The neglect they have suffered has been awful… but I “THEIR MAMA” can say they are all caught up on shots, healthy and all the procedures they have needed (dental.. Jesse had 8 cavities and had to be put to sleep to have them fixed and capped, Ellie had no shots since 6 months old and just got tubes in her ears) are done! They are to the point where healthy is a normal for them. They came to me so sick too. Took over a month to get them healthy! The doctor that Jess has seen told me all the goals she had for since she knew him in 3 years were met in the three months I had him. That is so cool to me ;)
Anyhow… wanted to share our joy. Thank you for your support. THEY ARE OFFICIALLY OURS TODAY! IN THE SUPREME COURT! :) 11/18/11! We are very happy and excited! They will have new names. They came to us with nicknames because calling them by their real names upset them. Bella she is 4 and we are renaming her ISABELLA MAXINE, Ellie will be renamed ELIZABETH MALENE (after my dead sister) and Jesse is Jesse but he wants to change his middle names LEE GILBERT to MICHAEL.
We feel very blessed!

Our Adoption Day...

2011-07-20T12:08:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to share our joy with all the readers... our ADOPTION DAY IS NOVEMBER 18th 2011 :) We are super excited! Soon I can post our adoption story and how we ended up with three children! ;) So excited!

The Family that felt like "HOME"

2011-07-06T16:22:00.000-07:00

My family taught me to love deeply and with all my soul, and I took that lesson to heart. I knew I wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I knew my children would be my life, and that I would love them just as deeply as my mother loved me. I never realized that loving someone could mean giving up everything I wanted.
I met J. in high school, we had met in passing a few years before when he moved into town and then quickly moved away again. We started dating in December 2001; in late June 2002 I found out I was pregnant. I was barely 16.
I was exstatic, knowing I would finally be a mother as I had always dreamed of being. My parents were wary, supporting me while still trying to make me understand the gravity of the situation. I walked on a cloud of euphoria for 2 months or so, and when J. proposed to me I said “yes”. My sister was the first to suggest adoption, during a visit with her in Utah during that time. She berated me for not thinking of the well being of my child over my own, and I was angry at her for not being more understanding. I was offended at the thought of “giving up” my baby. I would find out later that she was struggling with infertility, and I don’t know how she found the courage to even talk to me. My other sister was also pregnant and due a week or so after me, talk about a double blow.
I moved forward with my plans for our lives, getting secondhand baby clothes and accessories from friends and dreaming of my baby boy. We picked a name for him, Dawson, and we thought of all the wonderful things he would be and do. We wondered if he would have my red hair, or J.’s athletic build, we waxed romantic about our future marriage and the baby that would make it all happen. Then on a warm day in September, J. told me he had made a mistake. He had cheated on me with one of my best friends a few weeks earlier while we were all at my house; I had been asleep at the time. We fought, and I gave his ring back, only to accept it once again when he apologized. I couldn’t tell my parents, couldn’t trust my friends, and couldn’t believe what had happened. I tried to move on, but J. disappeared too much, wasn’t as interested in me or the baby anymore, even threatened to break up with me. One morning I woke, stressed from a night of wondering where he had gone, knowing in my heart it was not good. I felt the baby kick furiously, then go still, I didn’t feel him again for a few hours and I was freaking out. My mom drove me to the Doctor and we found that I was in pre-term labor. I would need to be on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy, taking drugs to stop the contractions and getting periodic ultrasounds.
It was at this point that I realized what was at stake. Not just my own life, my own heart, but also the well being of this tiny boy inside my belly. I sat on my bed that day, stroking the bulge in my abdomen, talking to my Dawson and asking him what I was supposed to do. The answer came, but not from my belly, just a whisper in my head that said “What about adoption?”. I was about 7 months along, giving me 2 months (if that) in order to make my decision. I thought about my relationship with J. and how he would react, I thought about my parents, but mostly I thought about this beautiful boy I loved more than my own life. I knew that if he stayed with me, he would watch me break under the infidelity in my relationship. He would see how his father treated his mother, he would learn from that one way or another. When we broke up, he would have to deal with separate parents, each struggling to get by without an education or any resources. We would have to rely on our parents, probably living with them while we tried to provide for him. I knew what I wanted for his life: a mother and father who loved each other, who knew how to respect one another, and would provide the loving home he deserved. I knew I wanted him to learn to be a man from someone who knew what that meant. I wanted him to have a mother who could be with him, rather than working to make ends meet. I had to admit that I was unable to provide any of that…
So I made a choice that would change the course of many lives, and a choice that would forever alter who I am. I talked to J. and told him what he needed to hear to agree with me. I searched through what felt like hundreds of packets, birth mom letters, pictures, stats of families whose faces blurred in my mind. None felt right, but I found one couple that was what I thought I wanted. My LDSFS caseworker contacted them, arranged a meeting, only to find out last minute that they had moved. I would have to wait, possibly months, until after the baby was born. I knew I couldn’t do that, if he came home with me he would be with me forever. So we moved on, searching even more packets. I stopped reading letters, simply looking at faces and stats, then placing each family in the “No pile” or the “Maybe pile”. One day in the midst of this process I came across one group of pictures that popped out at me. A lovely couple with one biological daughter who was 8 years old. Their pictures were vibrant, their smiles inviting, and their love seemed to explode off the black-and-white photocopy. I did not read the birth mom letter; I simply set the packet aside. I realized later that this had become my “Yes pile”. We arranged a meeting, and just 2 weeks before my due date we met. At that moment I felt a tug in my heart, and I could not question that this was my baby’s family. They felt like home to me.
The last week in January came, my sister had her baby boy a bit early, and my due date came and went. Two days after he was due to arrive, Dawson entered the world just before noon on January 29th. He was a whopping 10 pounds 11.5oz, healthy and beautiful.
I had 3 cherished days with him. I can recall almost every moment. Friends and family came and went, but I only had eyes for one baby boy. On February 2nd, I woke knowing these were my last hours with my baby. Those hours flew by; we dressed him and readied ourselves for the ordeal ahead. We cried a lot, told him how much we loved him, gave him a few last gifts, then placed him in a bassinet and rolled him down the hallway to a small meeting room. There was his family; his mother’s tears seemed like small echoes of my own. I picked up my baby one last time, kissed him and handed him to his mother.

I don’t remember what was said after that, my mind was preoccupied with the screaming pain in my heart. I remember being numb, and the trip home from the hospital is a blur. I watched a lot of TV that afternoon, but I don’t remember what was on. That night I broke down when my Dad hugged me good night. I felt broken for quite a long time after that. J never did mend his cheating ways, but I clung to him as the one person I felt could understand my grief. We stayed together and just after Dawson’s first birthday we had a visit with him. His name was different, and he was not my little baby anymore, bursting my little bubble of grief-filled memory. I think that was the first time I felt like I was healing. I saw his happiness as permission to have my own, and a few months later J. and I broke up for good. I moved on to other relationships and other life lessons. I had my heart broken, and my life changed in ways I never imagined. I moved away from my home state, toward better opportunities. I also grew much closer to Dawson’s family, I have come to love them and think of them as my family as well. I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to have them in my life, and each time I see them I love them even more.
That baby boy is long gone, and the little man he has become is just as I would expect him to be. I still get a little sad thinking of the things I have missed, but I have never doubted that he is where he belongs. I have a child of my own now, and she fills my life with light, but he will always be my first love. I am still in awe of him, and he will always be my baby, but I am not his mother. I was never meant to be.

A must READ...

2011-05-17T12:55:00.001-07:00

Carol, on my birth mother panel, came across this and thought I would like to share this story with you all. Take a moment and read it. SO SWEET!
Thanks CAROL !!!
Click HERE

Questions and answers from a Birth Mom and Adoptive Mom

2011-05-15T06:51:00.002-07:00

1. What brought you to adoption?
( Birth Mom)
Well. I was single and pregnant. My mom asked me if I wanted to go to LDS Family Services to talk to a counselor and so I did. And I wasn't so sure on adoption for about the first 4 months of my pregnancy. It was mentioned here and there but it always made mad or sad. I was very closed minded at first. But my heart began to soften as soon as I found out that Valery and Dustinn were looking to adopt.
(Adoptive Mom)

Like many other couples, infertility brought us to adoption.
We had been blessed with one biological son but hoped for more children. Starting the adoption process felt natural and right.

Back in 2004, I was a senior at BYU. I was walking home from class one day and saw a toddler, wearing just a diaper, running back and forth across the street. I carried him to the side of the road and hung out with him until I met his mother. His mother, "N" was in dire straits. "N" and I became friends but even more so, her son "Angel" and I became friends. I'd regularly pick him up to go to the park or McDonald's. Sometimes when I returned with Angel I couldn't find "N" and Angel would stay with me (and my college roommates, haha) overnight.

Dustinn came into the picture and together we continued to visit Angel as "N" hopped from place to place in the Salt Lake valley, and as Angel was in and out of foster care.

In 2008 "N" and Angel moved again, except this time no one knew where they went. I haven't seen or heard from "N" or Angel since. But I miss him. I still keep my eyes peeled for him when we're in Utah. I can't help but think about how old he's turning every December 16th. I wonder what he's like and how he is doing in school. I wonder if anyone is helping him with his homework and reminding him that he is good and smart and important.
Dustinn and I pray that he's okay because we know often he was not.
The moral of this story is twofold:
1. I knew long ago that a child did not have to be biologically mine to love him/her with all my heart.
2. I know what it's like to wonder how a child is doing. We wouldn't ever want Stefanie to feel like that. While we're aware that open adoption isn't for everyone, it was important to us that Stefanie had that option.

2.What do you want out of the adoption relationship with each other.
(Birth Mom) I wanted a really close friendship like BFF's. Someone I can call and talk to even if I was having a bad day and needed a friend. I think our friendship has blossomed more and I think of Val as like my soul sister. :)
(Adoptive Mom) Stef appreciates updates, pictures, visits and generally to have a continuing relationship with Olivia.
We don't have any expectations of things we'd like Stefanie to do for us/Olivia. However, she has done many wonderful and thoughtful things for us. She loves us and Bradshaw. She remembers and cares about important things in our life. She makes us feel special by spending time with us.
Generally, everyone in the adoption triad wants respect, understanding, patience and forgiveness (Dustinn and I are most definitely fallible!)
We are hopeful that an open adoption will help comfort and reassure Stefanie of her choice. We are hopeful that an open adoption will give Olivia answers, confidence and peace.

3.What do you both want for the child that was placed for adoption?
(Birth Mom) I want her to be happy and to know that she's always loved from all different sorts of families. Your blood doesn't define your family. It's those that are closest to you. I want her to WANT to know where she comes from and that it's an awesome thing that she's adopted
(Adoptive Mom)
(Incidentally, prior to Olivia's birth we were on a long car ride with Stefanie and we all took turns making wishes for Olivia.)
Olivia's just a toddler now. We want her world to be warm, welcoming, friendly. We want Olivia to feel safe.
As she grows, we want her to be able to discover her talents and interests and to find joy and fulfillment in using them to help others.
We want her to know that she is a beloved daughter of God. That she is of divine worth.
We want her to know that God was aware of her birth and life. That He will hear and answer her prayers.
We want her to have the confidence that comes from knowing who she is and knowing what life is about.
We want her to know that she is dearly loved by her parents, siblings, birth mom, birth dad, and all of her extended family (birth family definitely included.)
We want her to know being adopted makes her special.

4.How is your relation ship with each other?
(Birth Mom) With Val (the adoptive mom) We're like sisters. With Olivia (birthdaughter) she's only 13 months old. But I know she'll always grow up knowing who I am and that we'll be super close. Not so much a mother/daughter relationship but maybe like an aunt/niece relationship. Sounds weird. I hated that idea at first. But it makes sense.
(Adoptive Mom) Good! Right, Stef?
We communicate primarily via email. Which works really well for me. (While I am not a shy person. I tend to shy away from the phone.)

Stefanie lives in Utah, where a lot of my extended family also lives so we've visited Utah several times in the past year and have typically been able to see Stefanie and her family multiple times each visit. So we've had the chance to meet and get to know her boyfriend/fiance/now husband, to play games (hurrah for Kingsburg!) and catch up in person.

5. What would be advice you would give to other women considering adoption?
(Birth Mom) It's hard and take the time to know you're doing what's best for YOU and for YOUR BABY. You will be affected by it but your baby will be affected more by your choices. I would advise you to do a pro/cons list. Get counseling. Go to groups, if there are any available in your community. Write in your journal. Pray often. Do what it is that will help you.

6. What would be your advice to other hopeful adoptive couples?
(Birth Mom) After having gone through the adoption process and meeting so many wonderful couples. I know that you all have that precious spirit waiting to be born with you. And they're as excited as you are. I know times will be tough and it'll get discouraging but don't lose faith.
My other advice (it's going to be kind of harsh and to the point): Do NOT lead your birthmom on. Do NOT promise her something that you can't follow through with. Do NOT promise her an open adoption with all intentions to close it up after. We canNOT have PEACE without all the PIECES. A birthmom will find you that will fit into your family if that's what you like. Be true to yourself. We made all the promises and followed through with the adoption and gave you what you wanted. All we ask is that you return the favor. If you don't feel comfortable with an open adoption, research it. Find out more about it. You are most likely feeling uneasy because of the unknown. It's a wonderful experience and you would truely miss out and so will your future child.
(Adoptive Mom) Keep a journal! Daily if possible. You will go through the whole gamut of emotions and see miracles that you'll want to remember--and even more so you'll experience things that you'll want to be able to tell your adopted child.
The more you write, the more you'll see.
I would especially note the "warm fuzzies" (such as sweet quotes your child's birth family says, special connections you have with the birth family, first impressions, etc.)
Plus, you never know if something you've written will someday be an answer your child seeks.

7. How open is your adoption? What does OPEN mean to you?
(Birth Mom) I think it's super open. We don't live in the same state. But being as far away as we are, it's still close. We actually knew each other before. Dustinn (adoptive dad) is best friends with my brother in-law. And they found out I was pregnant and looking at options through my sister. I knew they were the perfect family already. Before I had Olivia, I flew out to Virginia and stayed with them for a week. Me and Val would call each other and E-mail. We both blog and she sends me pictures or will tell me something new about Olivia and sends me updates. It's awesome. When they're in town, we see each other. They let me babysit Olivia a few days after I had Olivia.
(Adoptive Mom) I believe it would be labeled as "very open."
We've seen each other many times since Olivia's been born. We've been in each other's homes. We love each other's extended family. We follow each other's blogs. We send pictures and give updates. We talk on the phone but mostly email.

8. What does your Open adoption look like today? Has anything changed? More open? Less open?
(Birth Mom) Today. It hasn't changed much. Except that our schedules are just so busy. She is taking care of two kids. I recently just got married. But when we have time we will E-mail. It's so convient just when you're on the computer and you only have a short amount of time that you can always get back on and E-mail back when you have time. I feel bad if she calls and I can't answer and I don't call back. And I don't want Dustinn or Val to feel obligated that they have to call me back right away and that I'll be angry forever. I know they'll get back to me when they can. They're great. I'm sure we're both nervous about stepping on eachother's toes but nothing too horrible has gone wrong. Haha.
(Adoptive Mom) It's only been a year. I guess the biggest change is my husband is now an MBA student--so we're on a student budget and will be traveling less this year than we did last year. Otherwise nothing has changed.
Equally open.

9. What were your insecurities about placing for adoption and about adopting?
(Birth Mom) I was afraid that Olivia wouldn't know that I loved her or that I didn't know who I was. That Dustinn and Val decided that I was somehow a threat (or a psycho) to her and their family and would cut off all contact. I'm afraid that later on that when Olivia gets older that she will choose on her own that she doesn't want contact with me. I don't want it to be that somehow a huge fight will happen and we won't ever talk to each other again.
(Adoptive Mom) -First we worried that we wouldn't be chosen by a birth mother.
-Shortly after Stefanie chose us, she flew from Utah to Virginia to spend time with us. I was worried if my bath tub was clean. I was worried if my cooking tasted good. I worried whether she was bored. I was worried about what she thought of our parenting. Mostly, I was worried if it was a week long interview. (Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Within hours of Stef arriving, she saw our son's worst behavior. ever. And she still placed with us!!! The week was extremely fun: the highlights being the times she opened up to us regarding what she was feeling and thinking.)
-During Stefanie's pregnancy, we worried about placement HARD. Every woman who goes through that is a superhero in my book.)
-Now, mostly we worry about letting Stefanie down. Not in terms of parenting or who we are. More in terms of maintaining the relationship (ie sending enough/the right pictures, finding the balance between visiting Stefanie without neglecting other relatives we have in Utah, etc.)
(And new worries will likely crop up as Olivia grows up. :)

10. How are you (the birth mom) known to the child? Are you called by name? a nickname? Are you known as the birth mom?

(Birth Mom) I'm just Stefanie. Nothing to special right now just because Olivia is barely one. I'm sure she'll just know me as Stefanie and she'll know that I'm her birthmom. She won't ever call me mom because I'm not raising her, Val is. Val is her mom.
(Adoptive Mom)
Olivia is only 13 months old so she does't talk a lot. :)
Stef and I talked about what she'd prefer. We decided Olivia will call her "Stef/Stefanie" and of course she will know that Stefanie is her birth mother, her angel.

11. Did you both come up with a story together on how the child would know he/she was placed for adoption and why? Or did just the AParent?
(Birth Mom) I haven't even thought about it. Haha. I know that Dustinn and Val will do a great job with that and that I don't really have to worry about it.
(Adoptive Mom) Stefanie made Olivia a beautiful picture album.
With Olivia, there will never be a "big reveal." She will always know that she's adopted, has a birth mother and birth father who love her dearly, and that she came to our family in a very special way.

12.Who named the child?

(Birth Mom) We both sort of did. What happened was that when I was planning on parenting. I was going to name her Olivia Nicole. Nic is the birthfather and so Nicole would be after him. I told Val that after I decided to place. And they decided to keep the first name Olivia and to change her middle name to Kate after Val's great-grandmother and her sister. It didn't upset me. I was kind of unsure about it at first and I didn't know if I liked how it sounded together. But it grew on me. And I look at her and she's DEFINITELY an Olivia Kate. Not an Olivia Nicole.
(Adoptive Mom)We named her together.
It makes me laugh to remember this detail about the night we'd found out Stefanie was placing with us. That day, out of the blue, we'd received a package in the mail. When we opened the package we saw an ultrasound picture and the caption "it's a girl!" Beneath the picture was a letter that started "I wanted to let you know what you're having." (Thinking about it still gives me chills.)
We had company in town so Dustinn and I went out walking in the dark, warm summer night to call Stefanie. After squeals, tears and excitedly talking at the same time, she asked, "so....what are you going to name her?" "Oh Stef, we have no idea! We just found out we're going to be parents a few minutes ago."
We spent the next couple of days thinking about it. Stefanie had told us "if I was keeping her I would name her Olivia" but she in no way pressured us to choose that name. We'd previously planned on giving all our children family names. Then we had this "ah-ha!" moment: Olivia would be a family name--from Stefanie's side. (It also helped that we think Olivia is a beautiful name.)
Olivia's middle name is Kate after my Great Grandmother and my sister. A lot of people don't know their great grandparents very well but that is not the case for me. I spent many summers having sleep-overs at her house, eating her delicious cooking, doing cartwheels in her yard, and eating vegetables straight from their garden. Only after my own bout with infertility were my eyes opened to my Great Grandma's trials with wanting children. She was always cheerful and charitable.
13.Anything else you want to add?
(Adoptive Mom)

Yes! You asked specifically for a birth mom and adoptive parent story combined, so I focused on the relationship between Stefanie and I.
However, Olivia's story is incomplete without her amazing birth dad!
We got to know him and became friends before Olivia was born and continue to communicate and see him often. He loves Olivia very much.
He recently got married and he & his wife are an important part of our lives.

Questions and answers from a Birth Mom and Adoptive Mom

2011-05-15T06:51:00.001-07:00

Questions and answers from a Birth Mom and Adoptive Mom

2011-05-15T06:51:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTH MOTHERS DAY!!!

2011-05-07T15:05:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to wish all the Birth Moms out there a VERY HAPPY BIRTH MOTHERS DAY! Its today for those of you didn't know. Its the day before Mother's Day, which makes sense... These woman are selfless woman who gave the gift of love, life and family.
Thank you! Thank you!
love to all
Karine (blog Author)
p.s. we are still working on our adoption through the state for the sibling group :) But hopefully this summer or fall!
P.P. S. if you have a Birth Mother, do something special for her. Just show her you care.

Adoption Cards

2011-03-22T05:33:00.001-07:00

spread the word, there is now a place to find cards unique to adoption!
you can thank the wonderful ladies at birthmom buds for this awesomeness!
let all your adoption friends/family know today!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/heartmarkdesigns

Browse it all....

2011-03-01T06:16:00.000-08:00

Feel free to go thru all my old posts. There are many great stories that have been shared. Sorry but life has been keeping me very busy. Enjoy.

Adoption is MORE :)

2011-02-18T06:06:00.001-08:00

Adoption is more
It has been said that adoption is more like a marriage than a birth: two (or more) individuals, each with their own unique mix of needs, patterns, and genetic history, coming together with love, hope, and commitment for a joint future. You become a family not because you share the same genes, but because you share love for each other.

~Joan McNamara

Adoption and Abortion

2011-02-08T13:19:00.001-08:00

A sweet adoption blog I found....

2011-01-28T12:04:00.000-08:00

This is a sweet adoption story. I loved reading this and thought you would too. ;)
Click here

The Voice of an ADOPTED

2011-01-27T08:32:00.001-08:00

This guest blogger is an author of a book, "Someone’s Daughter: She’s adopted, but don’t tell." It shares her unique story and view point on her closed adoption. This is Aurette Bowes
story and her viewpoint. It is long but worth the read and is very insightful. Do you think that knowing your Birth Mother earlier in your life and having an open adoption would of made a difference for you? Meeting my birth mother and learning about half of my biological roots has helped me a lot. Although we no longer have any direct contact I would like to know more about her, as I think the more I know the more healing I will experience – it’s an ongoing process for me. I still feel there is a part of my life puzzle missing, however, because I don’t know my biological father at all, and I often wonder about him. But knowing half your origins is better than not knowing anything at all. So I think yes, an open adoption would have made a difference, as I would have been able to address all my questions to my birth mother along the way, as I encountered them.

When I was a little girl of about six or seven, my mother told me the following story: “Daddy always wanted a little girl with brown eyes and blonde hair. One day, we received a phone call from the hospital. ‘We have a baby girl here with brown eyes and blond hair,’ they said. ‘Do you want her?’ And Daddy said, ‘Wrap her up, we’re coming to fetch her.’”

Although I didn’t realise it at the time, this story was my first clue that I wasn’t my parents’ biological child.

Most children, at some stage during their lives, wonder whether or not they are adopted. The inherent knowledge that they aren’t is probably what enables them to confront their parents and deal with the question once and for all. Although I considered doing this many, many times, I was never able to gather enough courage to actually go ahead and ask, “Am I adopted?” I wrestled with this dilemma for my entire childhood and a large part of my adult life.

I was afraid to ask the question for two reasons: I was afraid of hurting my parents, and I was afraid of what the answer would be. Consequently, I was always on the lookout for clues that would bring me closer to a definite “yes” or “no” answer, and there were many that pointed to “yes”. Eventually, I convinced myself that it didn’t matter who my biological parents were. My mother and father had raised me and they were my parents. Who had given birth to me was irrelevant. I told myself this over and over again and eventually convinced myself that I believed it, that I had “made peace” with the issue and could put it behind me. Thus I pushed all my questions out of my head. I stopped looking for clues.

Psychologists will tell you that if you refuse to deal with any form of trauma or unresolved issue in your life and live in a state of constant denial, it will eventually catch up with you in one way or another. The question I had spent my whole life trying to avoid finally caught up with me when, at the age of 37, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. My counsellor, Fred, believed my failure to deal with the question of my suspected adoption was probably the largest contributing factor to my depression. The problem was I still did not have the courage to face my parents and the mere thought of doing so brought me to tears.

Fred kindly offered to ask the question for me. He called my mother one Friday evening and asked her what I had been too afraid to ask for so long. Later she said that when Fred said he had an important question to ask her, she knew immediately what is was. “It was as if I had been waiting for it,” she said. That’s probably why she didn’t hesitate to answer “yes”.

Fred arrived at my house the following morning to deliver the news.

It’s one thing to suspect you are adopted, it’s quite another to finally have it confirmed. In one word, my entire identity was completely wiped out. Everything I had been brought up to believe about who I was, my ancestral roots, was no longer true. The same thought kept running through my head, over and over again – my mother is not my mother, Dad is not my dad… I wasn’t related to anyone in my family. The only two people I could claim blood ties with were my children. They were my legacy, but my ancestry was a complete blank. I felt as if I were floating in a huge, black vacuum.

Suddenly, where I came from did matter. I had to know who had conceived me and given birth to me? I had to be someone’s daughter, but whose?

At first, my mother didn’t want me to search for my birth-mother. Now that I knew the truth, she wanted me to “forget about it and get on with my life”. She also didn’t want me to talk about it to anyone, not to my husband’s family. Not even my own children. She was afraid that they would no longer think of her as their grandmother. As ludicrous as this may sound, to her it was a very real fear.

I did everything she asked, but my psychiatrist said it would severely inhibit my healing. This is where I began to gain insight into the pain she had experienced and was still experiencing. It took me a long time to fully understand that her need for secrecy was not motivated by any form of selfish spite or malice, but by pain. Once I did – and that took a long time – my anger diffused and forgiveness became much easier.

As all adoptive mothers do, my mother felt threatened by the mere existence of my birth-mother. Like all adoptive mothers, she firmly believed that once I found my birth-mother I would say, “Thanks Mom for all you’ve done up to now, but I’m off to live with my real mother.”

No matter how hard I tried, I could not convince her that nothing was further from the truth. I had no intention of doing anything of the sort. I just needed to establish who I was – biologically.

I prayed long and hard for a resolution to the problem. I desperately wanted to search for my biological mother, but it was important that I had my mom’s blessing, otherwise it would be detrimental to our relationship. God provided resolution, and it came from the most unexpected source.

Just as I could only refer to my adoption as “the A word”, so it was for my mother. Yet she found the courage to write to the Department of Social Services and tell them that her adopted daughter wanted to find her biological parents and could they provide information. They replied that according to the law, only I could request such information. Neither she nor my birth-mother was allowed access to my birth records. All I had to do, they said, was make a request in writing, and include my identity number and maiden name.

She had done all she could. Now it was up to me. I was astounded. I knew only too well how difficult it must have been for her to write that letter, but she was prepared to put her pain aside so that I could have the answers I needed. That spoke volumes of the depth of her love for me. I was reminded of the saying: “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”

So now I had my mother’s blessing to search for my birth mother.

I wrote to Social Development and three weeks later received a letter. It was very brief. It provided the full name of my birth-mother and stated that she had been 19 years old when she had given birth to me and had legally placed me up for adoption about three days later. She had not named my father.

The letter also stated the name she had given me. That was a shock, in fact the biggest one. I never knew that birth-mothers were required to name the baby they intended to give up. I thought that was very cruel, but I learned later that this is done purely for record-keeping purposes.

I read the letter over and over again, especially her name, trying to find some sort of connection. I looked at my birth name and wondered why she had chosen that particular one. Was it a name she had always liked? Was it a family name? Or was it one she had simply chosen at random? Now I had even more questions.

Someone really had given me away. Now I knew who she was, I wanted more than anything to find her.

With the letter had come forms for me to fill in if I wanted Social Development to conduct a search. I filled them in that night and faxed them the following day. Now the big wait would begin and I had no idea how long it would be, or what results it would yield. I had to prepare myself for one of three results – that she would already be dead, or that she would be alive but wouldn’t want to see me. That was her legal right. The third was that she would be alive and would want to see me. Of the two, I feared the first one the most. If she were dead I would never find the answers to all the questions I had. If she was alive but didn’t want to see me, that would be a big blow, but given time she could change her mind. Of course, the best would be that she was alive and wanted to see me.

I hoped that I would not have to wait long than two years for them to find my birth-mother. But when God is involved, things happen differently. Two months after I requested a search I received a phone call from my social worker.

“Mrs Bowes, are you sitting down? I have found your mother, and she wants to see you!”

Tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t believe they had found her so quickly. But it would still be a few months before we would meet.

The social worker asked that I come see her so that she could explain the procedure to me. At our meeting she began by showing me the file of my birth records. It contained several documents, of which the social worker gave me copies. Together they told a story. First there was my original birth certificate with my birth name, the documents my birth mother had signed to give me up. There was also a non-disclosure form in which she agreed not to try to find out the identity of my adoptive parents. Then came my parent’s application for adoption, and the original social worker’s report on them when they had applied.

A brief description of my birth mother followed – that she had fallen pregnant and entered a home for unmarried mothers. Her specific request was that her condition remain a secret. I was to learn later that at the time only her mother and her sister knew of her pregnancy. Her brother only found out about my existence when I contacted her.

There was another document in my file legally placing me with my parents until my adoption was finalised. Six months after my birth I became their legal daughter, and there was a document stating this as well.

The social worker had one more document to show me, but the law prohibited her from making a copy of it, as only the original was allowed to exist. This was the document stating my legal change of identity from my birth name and surname to the name my parents had given me and their surname. My birth identity was crossed out with a large X and my new identity typed neatly next to it.

Many people have since asked me how I knew all these documents were actually about me. How could I be sure a mistake hadn’t been made and someone else’s file sourced. The answer is simple. I recognised my parents’ signatures. My father has a very assertive one and there was no mistaking it.
Social Development is very careful in protecting the identity and privacy of adoptees and their birth parents. Before Dawn and I could meet, we first had to communicate anonymously through the social worker and our respective counsellors. When I was ready I could write her a letter, which the social worker would fax to her and she would fax her response back. This would continue until we were both ready to proceed to the next step – a meeting.

We corresponded in this way for a short while, and eventually we were emailing each other directly. We asked all the questions about family etc. I learned that she was divorced and had brought up her three children alone.

Eventually we arranged to meet. When she saw me for the first time she burst into tears and clung to me for a long time. I was crying too but my tears were for a different reason. I felt no instantaneous connection with her as my mother. She was just another woman. In fact, for the first 20 minutes or so, I wanted to run away to my parents and wished with all my heart that they were there.

We spoke for a long time and I showed her photos of me growing up. She cried when she saw the ones of me as a baby. She answered all my questions, explained that she hadn’t had the financial means to enable her to keep me when I was born, and couldn’t deal with the social stigma of having an illegitimate child. She had named me after her sister and her brother.

She told me that after she told my father of her pregnancy she never saw him again. In those days it was not legally required for the mother to name the birth-father on the birth certificate and as she didn’t want any financial support from him, she had decided not to.

Shortly after this meeting, I became severely depressed to the extent that my psychiatrist told me I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and admitted me to hospital for about two weeks. Everything was simply too much to deal with and I was completely broken. I felt angry, betrayed, worthless.

For a long while I broke off all contact with my birth mother as I tried to heal. It took a very long time but counselling helped me to realise that I was only hurting myself by hanging on to my negative emotions. My birth mother and my parents had made what they honestly believed to be the right decision at the time. Over the years they had come to realise that they had made a mistake and now they were trying to make the decision right. “You can’t change the past,” my counsellor said. “Let it go.”

When I eventually saw the sense of letting go of the past, I was able to forgive and my true healing began. Shortly before my 39th birthday I telephoned my birth mother and told her I wanted to make peace and work at establishing a relationship.

After that we continued to correspond via email, but as time passed I began to realise we had less and less in common. Although she was a good person, essentially we were from two different worlds and had opposing sets of values and principles. The social worker had warned me that this often happened between adoptees and their birth-mothers.

The stress of having two mothers in my life continued to take its toll. My mother was being very brave and trying extremely hard to support me through everything, but I knew she was suffering emotionally. My father was also hurting, as were my husband and children. I felt as if I were constantly being pulled between the two women. Eventually I couldn’t take it any more. I was emotionally exhausted and my family was suffering.

I decided it was time to assert my legal rights. The social worker had told me that I could end the relationship whenever I wanted to and my birth mother would have to accept my decision. I emailed her a letter. She was shocked but accepted my decision.

To say my mother was ecstatic by my decision is an understatement. She had set me free and I had come back to her. I had always known I would, but she hadn’t.

At first I felt relieved that I no longer had to worry about keeping two mothers happy. Then I began to feel cheated. My birth mother had received what she wanted – she had always wondered what had happened to the baby she had given away and whether she was okay and happy – now she knew. My mother had received what she wanted – her daughter that she didn’t have to share with another woman.

But what had I got out of it all – nothing. In fact, I had come full circle – although I had learned the answers to some questions, now there were new ones to deal with, the answers to which I would probably never learn.

I felt like I didn’t truly belong anywhere. I had been conceived in error. I was a mistake. My mere existence was enough to cause others pain. My parents had been so desperate for a child they would have taken any baby, irrespective of whether she was a little girl with brown eyes and blonde hair. How did I know I was truly meant to be with them? How did I know I was even meant to be?

My counsellor took me to the Bible…“I am beautifully and wonderfully made…” “I knew you when you were in your mother’s womb…” “Can a woman forget the baby at her breast? Though she may do so, I will not forget. I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

God doesn’t make mistakes. Romans 8:28 says, “All things work together for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.”

There was this childless couple who loved the Lord. They prayed earnestly for a child and he heard their plea. He saw a woman who was pregnant with a girl who would have brown eyes and blonde hair, and He said: “This baby for this couple.”

And so when I was born I may not have been in control of my destiny, but Someone else was. As the nurses took me from my birth mother and placed me in my mother’s arms, there was another pair of Hands under theirs, directing them – God’s Hands. It did not matter that I had no control of where I was going – He was in control.

When I was in the depths of depression and struggling to come to terms with it all, I used to cry to God: “Why did You let this happen to me?”

Now that the fog has finally cleared from my brain and I am able to place everything in perspective and can see where I am now and where I could have been, I ask God: “Lord, why were You so mindful of me?”

I still have wounds that open up and bleed from time to time. I still flinch when I hear the word “adoption” spoken, in any context. Birthdays are a happy-sad event, because that is the day my birth-mother gave me away. Mother’s Day and special family holidays such as Christmas are also an emotional time for me.

I am a work-in-progress but, thanks to everything I have learned over the past several years, I am better equipped to deal with the fallout as it happens. Most importantly, I have learned to place everything in God’s Hands.

I don’t know whether I’ll ever see my birth mother again before she dies, or whether, if something happens to her, her children will think to let me know, but that is in God’s Hands.

I don’t know whether I’ll ever have the courage to search for my biological father, because if I do I don’t know what I’ll find and whether I will like it. He may not want me to find him. But that too is in God’s Hands.

Having placed everything in His hands, I have peace. Because whatever the outcome is will be what God intended it to be. His Will is always perfect, and what is right for God is ultimately right for me.

A Grandmother's LOVE for Adoption

2011-01-20T13:30:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite people in the World! Her name is Toni Redfern and you all might recognize her from "THE R HOUSE" She is Lindsey's mother in law.
Toni was my young woman's leader when I was growing up. I just love her and she made a huge difference in my life! She is a wonderful and beautiful Grandma too. I asked her if she would share her thoughts on open adoption with us, from a Grandma's point of view. These are her thoughts :)

We have been blessed with 2 grandsons through the miracle of adoption.

Adoption was something I never really thought much about. When my oldest son found out he was unable to have biological children I knew right away we would welcome any child whether it was thru adoption or any other means. I automatically assumed (not even know much about opened or closed adoption) we would know the birth mom and possibly the birth father. It seemed natural, important and in the best interest of everyone. How could a child feel a sense of wholeness without knowing their story? There is a saying that the greatest gift parents can give their children is to love one another. Well, I would add to that the best gift we can give them is to love everyone involved in their life that is healthy for them. Not to say there weren’t some concerns. But in expressing a few concerns to my son... I loved what he said. “They (the birth parents) will be in their life as long as it is healthy for our children”. The children always come first. We have been blessed with 2 incredible birth mothers. One that came into our lives when she picked our kids when she was 7 months pregnant and one we knew for several years before she placed with our son and his wife. They are part of our family. They gave our family a gift that we can never repay.

They (the Birth Parents) are an important part of our grandson’s stories. Their pictures are in their rooms. They will grow up knowing and loving them. One thing I love most is our birth moms have developed a friendship. They have a bond. Their sons are brothers whom love each other. When they send gifts they send them to both boys. What a gift for our grandsons to have so many people who love them. They have grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews. They have more love than imaginable on every side. What a blessing adoption has been in our lives!

As her Mother, I had to choose what was best for her....

2011-01-11T19:54:00.001-08:00

My Adoption Journey

For those of you who have been involved with adoption, in any way, know that it's one of the hardest, most incredible things a person can go through. It’s difficult on all ends of the playing field; for birth parents, birth grandparents, adoptive couples, etc. Well my name is ShaNae, I’m a birth mom, and this is my story.

In August of 2009 I discovered the heart dropping truth of my pregnancy. I have never felt so alone in my life as I did at that moment. The world literally came crashing down and all I wanted was to disappear. The news sent me into a complete whirl pool of emotions. Shame, guilt, disappointment, fear, anger, sadness, excitement, and worry were just to name a few. After disposing of the pregnancy test, I immediately drove to Planned Parenthood. There, I hoped to receive some kind of help or comfort. As I drove up and walked in I remember feeling like all eyes were on me. Like everyone in the room was thinking, "eww, you're just another pregnant, unmarried teen. The world could rid itself of you." However, the nurses were very kind and helpful. They helped me understand my options and move towards the next important step. As shamed as I am to admit it now, I will tell you that abortion was my first choice. I was over come with fear and knew that my pregnancy would be high risk. So, I asked the nurse what needed to be done to receive an abortion. She informed me that because I was under 18, an abortion required parental consent. You can imagine my horror upon hearing that...but needless to say, I nodded my head and said ok. I shook in terror the whole ride home, knowing that I'd have to tell my parents right away. If I was going to get an abortion, I wanted it ASAP. I knew I wouldn't be able to go through with it the second my baby had a heart beat.

I'm going to skip some details, simply for time’s sake. I will include, however, that I told my mom the moment she arrived home that day. Dad found out from mom that night. Abortion remained an option for only about a week after that. I just couldn't do it, it was wrong.

Anyway, at 8 weeks, news of the pregnancy was between me, mom, dad, the birth father, and my bishop. When I was 2 months along, we went to LDS Family services. And that's where my adoption journey really began. I met with my case worker (whose name I will not reveal for her own privacy's sake so we'll just call her Jan) and she put me on the path of options. I began meeting her once a week to help me through my emotions and sort out my problems. She also opened my eyes to every one of my decisions and helped me move toward the one I eventually felt comfortable with.

Now, before I continue, this is why I chose adoption:

After a lot of thought, prayer, and consideration, I knew adoption was the right choice for me. It's not for everyone, but it was for me. There are several reasons for my decision. Some are religious, some financial, some emotional, and some related to circumstance. My top reason, however, will forever and always be this: My daughter is my most precious gift. And I love her unconditionally. I believe that when you love someone unconditionally you put their needs before your own. As a firm member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I know that every child is ENTITLED to certain blessings that come from the sealing covenant. That sealing covenant can only take place when a child has a married, temple-worthy mother and father, a condition that I was unable to offer at the time. As much as my heart yearned to keep her, and raise her, and have her as my own, I would never be at peace knowing I could have given her more. I wanted her to have stability. I wanted her to have a mom AND a dad. Parents who were mature and wise. I wanted her to have a stay at home mom, and younger siblings to love on her to pieces. I couldn't offer those things, and probably never could. I had to listen to my head, not my heart. I gave her more by placing her for adoption than I ever could by keeping her.

On June 1st, 2010,
the most beautiful baby girl entered this world. She weighed 6 lbs 11 oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. She has strawberry blond hair and adorable dimples when she smiles. This precious little girl is my daughter, Sophie. After a long 9 months of anxiously waiting, she arrived right on her due date. Which just goes to show that she's very special, seeing as only 2% of babies come on their due date;). Before I get into the emotional aspect of things I'll give a time line of how things went that day. I went in for an OBGYN appointment at 9:00 that morning. At approximately 11:30, my doctor came in and stripped my membranes. He said that I would feel some pain the rest of the day and then sent me off with a paper telling me to come in Thursday at 7:30 to be induced. Well, I instantly felt crampy and nasty and by noon I was experiencing my first major contractions. I got home by 12:15 and decided to stay home for a couple hours just to make sure I wasn't having false labor. By 2:30 we were out the door, on our way back to the hospital. By 4:30 they had my epidural in place and were wheeling me into a delivery room. Sophie was ready to come by 7:00 p.m. but they waited as long as they could so that her head was really low. She was delivered at 9:08 p.m.

The whole process went so unbelievably well and smoothly. I know it's a miracle (seeing as my pregnancy was high risk and the doctors were sure I was going to die…HA!) and I have the prayers of many to thank for the safe arrival of my little girl. She came by the use of forceps and they hardly left a mark on her tiny little head. It was by far the most amazing, spiritual experience I've ever had. My mom and Rebecca (Rebecca is Sophie’s adoptive mom) were in the delivery room with me. Rebecca cut Sophie's umbilical cord and even kept the bloody shears! haha I told her she should frame them. Sophie cried when she came out, like babies should, but immediately calmed down once placed on top of my chest.

Ok, now for the hard part. I was in the hospital for three days. By noon on Friday, I was released. Once home, I was able to spend a few hours with Sophie before heading to the adoption placement. We took a nap, curled up on my parent’s bed, and then woke to bathe and get dressed. 5:00 p.m. was our scheduled time to meet at LDS Family Services and do placement. We arrived on time and while I was signing paper work, Sophie's birth father was in another room with Sophie and the Adoptive Couple, saying his goodbyes. Once that was over, my parents, Sophie, and I met with the Adoptive Couple in what they call the "group room". We exchanged gifts and spent some time together talking, exchanging memories. Then, I asked to have some alone time with Sophie. Everyone (meaning Troy, Rebecca, my mom and dad, and our case workers) left the room while I shared some final moments with Sophie. I talked to her, I prayed for strength, and I fed her a bottle. After about 20 minutes I was ready to go. I felt like I was dragging out the pain. So I called them back in and handed Sophie to Rebecca, exchanged tight hugs, and left. And that was it. Sophie was gone.

I had spent the past 9 months preparing for that final moment. The moment when I'd literally have to say goodbye and relinquish my parental rights. Well, I can tell you that no amount of counseling could have prepared me for the real thing. It was the most heart breaking moment of my life. Living through that first night without Sophie was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My arms literally ached to hold her in my arms. The memories of her sweet little face and her big beautiful eyes looking up at me caused me so much emotional pain that it actually became physical. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't function. I barely made it through that first night. I was screaming out prayers to just make it through with out going insane. Only two days later it was still extremely hard, but I could already feel Heavenly Father easing my pain. I know that the pain will never fully leave me, but I do know that it will fade to a point where I can start to live again. This whole thing has been really hard for not only me, but my family as well. It's been an amazing, difficult journey for all of us; one that has brought us all closer together.

I want everyone to know how much the adoptive family mean to me.
The adoption itself was/is extremely agonizing and painful, but the Adoptive Couple have made it 100 times easier. They have opened their hearts and arms to me and my family. They text me pictures of Sophie every few hours just to reassure me that she's alive and safe. They allow me any kind of contact I need to fully heal from this experience, and not just me, but my family as well. They have become another branch to our family and because of that, I know that anyone who wants to, can meet little Sophie. She's my little angel, OUR most precious gift. I have entrusted her to a family that can offer her more than I ever could. I've heard several other birth moms say that their adoptions were made easier because they felt like they were carrying some one else's baby. Well, I never felt like that. I have always felt like Sophie was my daughter, fully and completely, and that I was her mother. And THAT is why I had to make the choice. The choice that no one else could that would determine the quality of her future. As her mother, I had to choose what was best, since she lacked the ability to choose for herself. I know that I love Sophie with all my heart. I have never experienced this kind of love before now. It is incredible. And it is because I love her that I was able to let her go. I put her needs before my own, and though extremely painful and heart breaking, it was right. And I know I'll be blessed for it. I can't wait to create more and more memories with her throughout her life. I am so blessed to even have that choice. Thank you Troy and Rebecca. Thank you for taking such good care of her, and me.

If you read this and have any other questions you can visit my blog at shanaemykael.blogspot.com
Thanks for your time, and thank you Karine, for allowing me to share my story.

A must watch 16 and Pregnant

2011-01-04T13:22:00.000-08:00

Click here to see a must watch (I THINK) video of Ashley and her adoption journey. It was really honest. It shows what many birth moms feel, think and possibly go through emotionally while trying to place for adoption. I cried, so get your tissues out.

Questions and answers from a Birth Mom and Adoptive Mom

2010-12-26T07:02:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas Everyone...

2010-12-23T08:35:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! I hope and pray that your holiday seasons are filled with joy and peace. That you are all surrounded by your loved ones.

I hope that everyone remembers their very special birth mother and/or birth family. Do something special to let them know how very special they are to you in your life! :)

To all my birth mother friends, I love you! I appreciate your example of love and faith. Thank you for blessing my life with your friendship and your life lessons.

To all my hopeful adoptive friends, I love you too! For you are a strength to me in my time of need as we are all hoping and waiting together to be blessed with someone special to complete our families.

May you all feel blessed and hope in your lives. May we all recognize the daily miracles that God graces us with. From my Heart to Yours! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!11

A Wonderful Open Adoption Story

2010-12-20T14:48:00.000-08:00

This beautiful young lady is Cami! Her story is very sweet! I love how she feels about adoption!!!
"Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Oliver Goldsmith

When I think over my high school career, one thing stands out the most, Lily's adoption. This marked a struggle, but a changing point in my life and I have been grateful ever since.

During my sophomore year in high school I was making choices that weren't the greatest. But it was a total shocker when I found out I was pregnant. But I knew way before I took that test. I stared at the positive sign thinking, "how did it get this far? It should have never gotten this bad. What happened to my relationship with my Heavenly Father?". I was scared at what laid ahead.

The next few weeks were a blur. I hid it from everyone. It was heart wrenching when I was named cheerleader of the year, knowing I wouldn't be back the next season. It was heart wrenching when I finally told my Dad, knowing I could no longer hide this secret and I needed help. I knew he no longer trusted me, and it hurt. I just wanted to hide in my room and cry. Instead I had to finish the school year facing my peers. Although I didn't come out in say it, rumors were already being spread and it hurt. During this time I could only think about me; How I could not longer cheer, how those around me could no longer trust me, how things in my life were going to change.

My Dad counselled me to go to LDS Family Services. At first I went to make him happy. I listened, but I didn't really feel. My caseworker said one thing that always replayed in my head though, "It doesn't matter what is best for you but for your baby". Or something to that effect. Although during this time, I didn't act upon this, it was a constant reminder in my head.

In July of 2008 things changed. My then boyfriend and I started having more problems and things ended. And my family was in shambles because of other reasons. With my world being thrown up around me, I tried to focus on the one thing I still had, this pregnancy. I wanted to parent this child so badly, but I knew I had to what was best for my child and I was going to do whatever that was, even if it hurt me. I was doing all the necessary steps for adoption but never came out to say I chose adoption. Maybe then I wasn't sure, maybe I just wasn't confident with it yet.

I started looking at couples online. I changed the requirements with every search. But for some reason I always ended up looking at families who already had children. For some reason I was drawn to them. But nothing like when I read and looked at T and B's profile. Their kids I loved by just looking at them. I emailed them for the first time with one line. "how do you feel about openness?" They emailed back and their response to my question just felt right. We started emailing daily. It was the highlight of my day. I would read, reread, and then email back to them. Their children asked me the cutest questions like "what color is your phone?" or "how many trophies do you have?". I fell in love with this family. They felt like my family. The told me about this book called, "For the Love of a Child", I went and got it the next day. I read it all in one night. I cried and had a strong feeling that this was the family.

We agreed to meet for dinner. T & B, my sister, my dad and I all met up at California Pizza Kitchen. They mostly talked as I listened. I was nervous and shy. With a little push from my dad I asked the one question I had been longing to ask, "Will you adopt my baby?". They said yes. We hugged and took pictures. We agreed to meet up again, this time with the kids.

Our next visit was at the park. The kids brought me a stuffed bear with their voices recorded telling me they loved me. We played. C (their youngest), tried to lift up my shirt to see baby Lily. I loved them.

The next few weeks went by fast. They were getting ready for the new baby, and I was looking forward to holding that little angel in my arms. My due date came and went. No baby. A few days later I was induced. The next day at 8:30 pm, my angel was born. They laid her in my arms and I just stared. She was beautiful, and I was in love. I called T and B to tell them she was born and they were excited. They and the kids visited me the next day. Holding Lily and loving her. I also felt the love they had for me.

I took Lily home to spend a few days with her. I wanted to spend time and love on her. I held her, kissed her, and told her how much I loved her. The last night she was visiting my home, I held her all night. We both slept through the night cuddling. It was amazing. I met up with her parents in the morning to take pictures (courtesy of Lily P. Photography). And we agreed to meet that afternoon for placement.

We left my house late and arrived at the agency to T & B, and my caseworker already waiting. I held Lily as I signed the adoption papers. I wanted that reminder why I was doing this right there in my arms. I knew she deserved a two-parent home, parents who prepared and planned for her, the opportunity to be sealed, and a life I couldn't give her. I am grateful for T and B being there and being ready for her. We walked to the car together, I buckled her in her car seat and I gave her a million kisses. I hugged Tand B. We said our goodbyes. The car ride home was the worst. Were Lily once sat, I now sat. My sisters on both sides of me holding my hands. I knew it would be ok, but right then it hurt so bad. I spent the evening with one of my best friends. We watched movies, played games, and ate yummy chocolates Lily's family had brought me in the hospital. All while I laid around in my pajamas. T and B surprised me with pictures that night of Lily and her siblings. I loved them.

This family has become some of my greatest friends, and support. They not only love Lily, but they love me, and there is never a doubt in my mind about this. We have hung out many times since placement. Each time I was grateful that this family was ready for Lily and that I was led to them. There is not one thing i would change.

Adoption has helped me become a better person. It is a huge part of my life. I often feel the blessings adoption brings to my life. I cherish the visits, and the friendships I have developed from Lily's entire family and extended family, adoptive parents, birth parents, and so many other people. I love all of them. I feel blessed to be apart of adoption, especially an open one. I often feel like I am apart of special group of people. I am thankful for my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and how much he has brought me up in my hard times. Adoption isn't always easy, but it's well worth it.

Birth Mothers 4 adoption did it again...

2010-12-13T17:52:00.001-08:00

Check out this blog post from Birth Mothers 4 adoption. I love these ladies and I saw this and just had to share! :) A MUST READ! LOVE YOU DESHA AND JESSA :)

Lindsey's Hope

2010-12-13T05:57:00.001-08:00

This is Lindsey, many of you know her as Mrs. R.
I asked Lindsey if she would like to share with us how adpotion is blessing her life. This was her reply...

There were several years when i would wake up every morning and convince myself that the life I was leading was enough for me. I would go through the motions--pressing snooze on my cell phone and shoving it under my pillow just to have it wake me up again 7 minutes later. (Repeat 4-5 times.) Getting ready for work in the bathroom, racing the clock, racing to work ...and watching everyone else's children file into my third grade classroom. Some days I totally had myself convinced that that was the life that I was always destined to lead. After all, I loved being a third grade teacher. I loved the times table songs, the cursive (no, that's a lie. i hate cursive.), the literature, the rising independence, the hugs, the drawings, the student council I helped with and above all--I loved the creative writing. Oh the things these little minds would come up with! And the illustrations! I was in teacher heaven. Except when I wasn't.

After years of trying to conceive and feeling like a failure, I remember going to work one day and just feeling defeated. (A dangerous emotion of a leader of 30 9 year olds.) Sitting at my desk, I encouraged the kids filing in to put their backpacks away and get busy on the self-starter activity on the board.

One of those little gems walked over to me and handed me a black box. My heart jumped a little as I gave them a squeeze and said thank you. I didn't open it right then as someone needed my help and it sat on my desk until lunch time.

During those dark years of suffering silently with infertility, I often ate lunch in my classroom away from the other teachers whom I didn't really know all that well--probably because I ate lunch in my classroom! I opened the little black box and read the card that accompanied a beautiful sterling silver necklace. Reading that card changed my life. It was a definition of hope and a necklace with hope engraved in it. That gift gave meaning to a word that I was starting to forget the meaning of but needed now more than ever.

\hōp\ vb hoped; hop-ing: to desire with expectation of fulfillment; n: 1: TRUST, RELIANCE 2: desire accompanied by expectation of fulfillment; also : something hoped for 3: one that gives promise for the future 4: Considering something possible, combined with a desire for it. A wish or longing for something that seems impossible.

My morning routine has changed dramatically since those teacher days. I never set an alarm. Every morning around 7 am, I hear 2 sets of feet toddle into my room, dragging the blankets that we had made for them (and a matching one for their birth mothers). The oldest set of feet go over to my husband's side of the bed. "Daddy, can I play the big iPod?" He asks. Laughing, my husband makes him say good morning and give him a kiss before signing off on the early morning game playing.

The other set of feet come to my side of the bed--his head and shoulder barely visible above the mattress. "Mommy!" he cheers as though he hasn't seen me in ages. I giggle every morning as I watch him struggle to hoist those little legs up over the collection of blankets and snuggle next to me on my pillow. Every morning I am amazed by how soft his cheeks are.

I still have to coax myself to get our of bed, but it is usually with some prodding from a little that needs "appa jus."

Every morning it is the same thing.

And every morning I don't need any convincing that the life I am leading is enough. It is more than enough. It is more that I ever thought we would be able to experience. Every morning, at some point, I realize that I am living what was once thought impossible. Every morning I am grateful for every morning I get to be a mother.

Taren, a Birth Mom, in the newspaper

2010-12-11T16:08:00.000-08:00

You all have to check out Taren! She is on my Birth Mom panel and she is amazing! She is in the Twin Falls Paper...

Link to this..... share
http://www.magicvalley.com/lifestyles/faith-and-values/article_948cd2ac-9250-5d76-b763-ab178efaae02.html

Its a wonderful article! I am so excited for her and she did an amazing job sharing her adoption story! :) GO TAREN!!!!1

Kristi's Story

2010-12-09T06:06:00.000-08:00

I am Kristi. I placed my daughter Jenna on July 14th 2005.The placement is very open. She lives down on the West Coast of Florida and I get visit twice a year, phone calls, and pictures by email. I also was placed but mine was an International Placement from DRC Africa in 1982. I was only two and came to America with an American family. I did not know my biological father. My biological mother passed away when I was one. So I was with my family and relatives but they wanted more for me and gave me to an American family and they ended up getting me in 1982.
I am 28 years old and I have another daughter Whitney is 11 years old. My hobbies are travelling, surrfing the web, and collecting postcards. I have over 2,000!

Thanks for reading my story!

Kristi’s Story:

At the end of November 2004 I was late. I did not think I was pregnant but I did take a pregnancy test. My due date was July 15th, 2005 but I actually delivered on July 13th, 2005.

I started working on the placement from the week of Monday March 7th.My dad found out I was pregnant in March and said he knew a couple that were looking for a placement again. He gave them a call. So they decided to do it then and I went though a private lawyer. So he met with me on June 30th. I was really coming to reality before I was too but not as much as that day. I did get a worksheet with things to fill out. I also met with a placement specialist and even went to a support group twice before I placed my daughter.

Finally on July 13th I had my midwife and nurse and doula there. I arrived at the hospital at 9: 45 am. At 11:55 AM Jenna Aariah was born. The family arrived as did a few close friends who were allowed to visit. I received roses and Jenna and I were each given the exact same teddy bear so that I can always be with her in thought.

When Jenna left with the adoptive parent that was hard to see her go. Nine days later on July 24th they stopped by heading back from Northern Indiana.

I did not see her again until Thanksgiving 2005. She was already 4 months then. I saw her a year from that November 25th, 2006. I also saw her again on January 4th 2008. My placement is very open. They have my address, email address, and phone number. I also talk to Jenna on the phone. She has great conversational skills for being 3 years old.

The days also do get easier. I still get pictures of her. I also get DVD pictures of her. Jenna has 3 sisters. The adoptive parents have girls from China and she has another sister because I have a 11 year old daughter named Whitney that is her half sister. Jenna also has a new cousin from China that is not even two years old. She is not the youngest one anymore. She also has a sweet cousin from China name Leeanna. She sees her sister Whitney when she comes, that is about 4 times. She has been in Florida since July 2005.

I do miss her but she is in great hands. That is my story. You can contact me via email. kikizulu@hotmail.com I would love to hear from you all at there who we shared the same experience!! Thanks!!

Adoption and Abortion

2010-12-05T09:35:00.000-08:00

Pieces of the Puzzle...

2010-12-05T08:23:00.000-08:00

Check out this blog, http://makingitnotfakingit.blogspot.com/ its a blog that I made to help me focus on the positives in my life.

I love the picture and the saying that I posted on it. It talks about how everyone who is on this earth is meant to be here. Along with that, I believe that everyone who is on this earth is meant to be here and God has a plan purpose for us all.

I believe sometimes that plan and purpose is to be a Birth Mother. I believe these women were chosen from God to help make families. Which is a pretty amazing thing. Its right up there next to God's job, making people and families! That is how much respect I have for Birth Mothers. These women are amazing! You ladies are NOT FORGOTTEN! At least not with me or the people that support this blog! We adore you! We respect and honor you! We are in AWE over who you are and the great example of what LOVE is. Thank you for being in my life... for being so many other's lives. I know you make a lasting impression on us all that I believe can and does change us to try to be better people.

Anyhow, check out the blog picture. I like it and had to share it. I felt like it fit for this blog. A Birth Mother/Father sometimes are the missing piece in all our lives. God Bless!

Leesa's Story (from birth mom panel)

2010-12-03T15:10:00.001-08:00

Leesa is a Birth Mom and I met her on a Birth Mother panel one night at Lds Family Services, where she shared her story with all the hopeful adoptive couples there. Leesa wrote her story for me to share with all of you. It is very detailed and worth reading. Leesa is also one of our Birth Moms on this Birth Mom panel. Enjoy!

My story started when I was 8 months pregnant. I hid my pregnancy for 8 months from my family, and I lived with them. This also proved that I was not ready to be a mom. It all kind of started one Sunday when my Young Women’s leader (I was no longer in Young Women’s) came up and confronted me saying that she knew what was going on. I tried to deny what she was accusing, but then all I could say was, “I haven't told my mom". She was just letting me know that she was there for me since the spirit told her that I was alone.

Then that following Friday, my cousin was getting his baby blessing for his name, and after that had happened my Bishop pulled me to the side and had a talk with me. He didn't give me a chance to deny that I was pregnant, he asked. "When are you going to tell your parents?" I told him that I planned on telling them that coming weekend. He said okay, and then proceeded to give me his counsel. He counseled me that I should place my child for adoption and that it would bless a families life. He also said that he supported me in whatever choice I made and wanted me to pray about it.

Later, that night I told my mom in a store that I was pregnant, she was somewhat shocked but she had an idea. Then, I told my brother he was not at all thrilled. I then had to call my dad to tell him, because he was down in Idaho, because he had a job there in Idaho and we were all going to be moving after my brother graduated. I started to try and tell my dad but all I could do was cry, so my mom told him for me. She then passed the phone to me and my dad asked " Does ***** know?" I told him that the birth father didn't know. Then, after I got done talking with my dad, I went downstairs to go to bed; my brother came in to my room and talked to me. He was talking to me about adoption; of course I started crying my eyes out, because my heart knew that adoption was the right choice. I had no job, no one to truly help me raise this child and my brother pointed out these key points. Also, he knew I didn't want to deal with the birth father and if I had kept the baby I would have been stuck with the birth dad for the rest of my life. After my brother and I had gotten done talking, I cried myself to sleep since I had so much on my mind.

During the course of that week I was writing a paper, because I was in College. The paper was on how I was against abortion, and while I was looking up stuff to use for my paper, I kept coming up with links that had to do with adoption. So of course, Heavenly Father has a sense of humor, and I knew he was directing me to honestly think about adoption. I know during that course of that week, my Bishop came by to give me LDS Family Services phone number. I didn't really want that number, because at the time I was still thinking I was going to keep the baby.

I had my first doctor’s visit, and I brought my mom with me, and it was definitely an emotional time. My mom was crying, and I was crying while the ultra sound was happening. I got to hear the baby’s heartbeat, and I then found out that the baby I was carrying was a little boy. I was so happy that he was a boy, because I only want little boys. My doctor then asked what I planned on doing, keeping the baby or adoption. My first thought was to say, “Of course I am keeping the baby." Instead I said that I wasn't sure of what was going to happen. The doctor then said that she would get me some profiles to look at. I wasn't at all entirely thrilled, but I said okay.

During that week, I called LDS Family Services, and said “I am thinking about placing my baby for adoption." The lady then transferred me to my social worker Tawnia. She was the most helpful lady ever; she asked questions, she let me know that she was supporting me in whatever decision I chose. I knew, as soon as I called her that I had somewhat made up my mind about adoption. I was afraid, because I wanted to be able to see him grow up, I couldn't just walk away and never hear about him again. I didn't know what I could do about having that ability to see him grow up. I also wanted him to grow up with the Gospel in his life. As, I was talking with Tawnia I found out that there was open adoptions, and that there were couples that were willing to send pictures and send updates.

I eventually started to look on LDS.org about adoption, and I looked at one profile, and I wasn't at all sure about that couple. So, the second profile I looked at was the most amazing profile I had ever found. I read their letter to an expectant birth mom, and I was balling my eyes out. I loved what they had to say and they were also willing to share the baby’s life with whoever chose them. They already had one little boy who they had adopted about a year and half before I found them. I still looked at a couple files after but I kept comparing them to the couple that I had found. I knew at this point that this was the couple that I wanted to raise my son. I still hadn't told the couple but I had talked with Tawnia about the couple that I had found, but not to let them know, because I was still thinking about adoption. One day I was driving home from getting food for my family and the spirit prompted me to tell Tawnia to tell that couple that they were going to be parents yet again.

Tawnia called me the next day and asked if I was sure this was what I wanted to do. I was to shy to email them myself, so I had Tawnia do it for me and give them my email and my number. I immediately got a response from the adoptive mom; she emailed me her gratitude for me choosing her family. Through the course of the next couple months we emailed back and forth, we also texted each other also. I fell in love with this family so much more as I got to know the couple more and more.

At one point, the birth father did find out that I was pregnant. I started to stress and get irritated because I felt like the adoption wasn't going to go through because I was afraid that the birth father was going to fight the adoption. Tawnia heard some rumors from the grandmother stating that the birth father was going to fight it. Later down on the road the birth father agreed with the adoption.

While that had happened, the adoptive couple had come up to Alaska, a couple weeks before the due date of April 29, 2009, and we had met for the first time. My first impression of them was that I knew who they were as soon as we got out of the car and met each other. I knew their laughs their smiles, everything. They took me to IHOP, and we had breakfast and just sat down and talked for while. It was so nice just sitting there and talking to them. I invited them both to a doctor’s visit that was coming up, the adoptive mom was up for it, and the adoptive dad just said that he would let me and the adoptive mom share that moment together. Well, the doctor visit came but I was overly late and had to have it rescheduled for a week after my due date. So, we went to the doctor on May 7, 2009 and there was no ultra sound but I was on a monitor, and the adoptive mom was by my side and got to hear her son’s heartbeat and see him move while I laid there. She was so amazed by all of it.

We came up with a name for the baby before he was born and it was Henry James. I love how we came up with the name together, because I was unsure of who named the baby so I asked them, and they said they had some names swirling around and she asked what name I was thinking. I was thinking Henri, and the adoptive mom told me that that was the first name on their list. They stuck with the name Henry ( instead of with the i) and they came up with the middle name themselves. I just knew it had fit for him.

Well, that same doctor’s visit the doctor looks at me and says “You are going to have a baby today." Of course I get quiet and processing through what she says, and I couldn't believe that all of this was going to happen. The adoptive mom is standing on my side and I think she was thinking through the exact same things. Well, the doctor just kept talking and eventually told me to go home eat a good meal and then go to the hospital where they were going to start me on petosin (worst thing ever).

The adoptive mom and I leave the doctors office, she calls the adoptive dad to let him know to come get her and I called my mom. I also called some other women that I wanted to be there for me, my Young Women's leader and a teacher that I had in Young Women’s. I also called my dad to let him know what was going on. My mom and I met at the house, I got my backpack, and then made a sandwich and we were on our way to the hospital.

I got admitted into a room, I stayed in a trauma room since all the other places were taken up for the time being. I stayed there for a while, while they monitored my blood pressure. It was terribly high, and they treated me as a preeclampsia patient. I got a blessing from two brethren from my ward, and my Bishop came and visited me in the Hospital. It was so nice seeing him there, especially since he was letting me know he was supporting me in what I had chosen. The adoptive couple came in and met my mom for the first time, and we all sat around and chatted, of course by then I was feeling contractions and it was miserable. My brother was of course called to let him know what was going on, but he didn't want to go to the hospital, but when he did come, I started crying, because I was so happy to see that he had come to the hospital.

Eventually, everyone had to leave the room other than my mom, because my blood pressure was way too high, and I needed to relax. So, that entire time, I was in pain and I was irritated because I couldn't move to alleviate the contractions. My mom stayed by my side the entire time, she held my hand and she was also trying to sooth me since it was pretty rough. The adoptive couple was actually given a room at the hospital, I was so glad, because I really wanted them to experience the excitement of waiting for their baby. Eventually through all of the pain and contractions, I opted for an epidural about 2-3 hours before Henry was born.

Eventually at 4:04 in the morning Henry James was born on May 8, 2009. He was screaming as soon as he came out, and I was overly thrilled that he was screaming.

I do remember at one point I thought my mom was caressing my face and when I opened my eyes my mom was actually sitting down. I knew it was my Heavenly Father saying, "Good job, you did it!" I was so comforted to know that he was there for me especially at this moment in my life
Eventually, I got to hold Henry first, before his mom and dad, and the nurses laid him in my arms and he looked straight at me and his eyes said, ”Finally, I get to see who you are." I know I cried a bit when I saw the look on his face. He was so beautiful, and so full of life. I passed him to my mom so she could hold him. Then my mom handed Henry back to me, and I held him for a few more moments, and then my adoptive couple was brought in. I looked at them smiling and they looked at me smiling too. I then said, “Do you want to hold your son?" The adoptive mom asked, “Are you sure?" I nodded my head;

I then let her know that I wasn't able to lift my arms, so she picked up Henry for the first time. I passed out after that and some other times. I know Henry's mom asked if I wanted to feed him, but I let her have that moment with her son.

Eventually, Henry went with his parents to their room, because I wanted him to start bonding with his parents not me. I remember the adoptive dad asking if I wanted to watch the first meeting between Henry and his big brother, I said yes, and I do remember passing out. The next day I woke up early, and the nurse came in, and of course I wanted to see Henry. His mom had just fallen asleep, and I was still bed ridden, because of my blood pressure. I don't remember when I finally saw Henry or his parents, I was in and out. I do remember the meeting between Henry and his big brother, and it was so cute and amazing. My mom came back to the hospital after she went home and had some sleep. She brought my brother along with her and I was just happy to see my family.

The following day, we got to do a little dinner in the hospital, and the adoptive couple and I swapped gifts. That was a very touching moment, and I loved how the spirit was there acting as a witness of what was happening in the room. The following day Henry was discharged before me, so I walked him and his mom out so they could go back to the hotel as a family. I was at peace watching them drive away with Henry. I didn't get discharged till the following day, which was Mother's Day. I wanted to get out of the hospital so my brother picked me up before church. I went to church 45 minutes after I had just gotten out of the hospital. I was sitting next to my mom and I tried singing the first hymn and I just started bawling my eyes out. I couldn't stop crying, everyone in my ward that knew what was going on was worried about me. I eventually stopped crying. At the end of the meeting there were flowers being passed out to Mothers, but the Bishop made sure that all women in Relief Society got flowers. My brother gave me the flowers, and then another young man, looked at me and asked with his eyes if I had gotten flowers. Later on that same young man gave me a hug. I was so thankful that the ward was so loving and caring.

That following Monday was a little stressful, because the birth father was signing his rights away. The adoptive couple and I were hanging out before the birth father showed up and my brother met the couple. because I brought him with me. Then, while the couple and I drove to my home from the hotel, we got a call saying that the birth father wanted to meet the couple. We prayed together about the meeting that was going to happen and were at peace that all would go well. I hopped in to my truck and followed the couple back to the hotel so that the birth father could meet them. The birth father and I hadn't seen each other in months since I had broken up with him, so I was way nervous about seeing him again, the reason I went was so he knew I was proud of my decision about my couple and that I loved them with all my heart. When the couple and I got there they went in first and shook hands with the birth father and then I was going to just walk in and sit down, but he didn't let me go in until he got a hug. I started crying when he gave me the hug, and I don't know why. Eventually I went and sat on the bed and he sat on a chair opposite of me and the couple.

There was at one point that the birth father was offered to hold Henry, the adoptive mom looked at me first seeing if it was okay and I nodded. The birth father go to hold Henry, there were pictures of the birth father take while holding Henry, but eventually I ended up holding Henry. After he passed Henry back he signed his rights away. I thought that he had already signed them away before he had come, so I was a little surprised that he was signing them while we were there. The birth father and I had 10 days to change our minds about the adoption; of course we never changed our minds, since Henry is still with his mom and dad now. After that meeting with the birth father, the adoptive parents went back to their hotel and I went home.

That following week, the adoptive couple went back home, and our goodbye on Monday was good for me since we would be seeing each other in a year. After all of this, a month after I had placed Henry with his mom and dad I moved down to Idaho with my dad, waiting till my mom moved down after our home sold. Those few months after Henry was born were the hardest, but now I am doing well. I am working, I plan on starting college again this coming fall, and I am moving out. These things I wouldn't have been able to do if I had kept Henry. Placing Henry was the best decision that I had ever made, he is happy and seeing his family with him is amazing. It was the hardest choice for me to make but it was well worth it, because his parents give him everything I could never have given him. I love adoption and it's truly changed my life and it's been a very long journey, but a journey that really showed me how strong I truly was.

I get updates about Henry every Sunday, and I get pictures once a month, because that's what I asked. I am so thankful to watch Henry grow up and know what is going on with him in his life. Open adoption has really helped give me some closure on knowing that Henry is doing well. Not that he wouldn't have been if I was given the updates, but it's still nice to see him happy and have that confirmation more and more. I am just excited to see how much more he will change and I am so thankful to have the opportunity to see him grow up.

TWO WOMEN

2010-12-03T06:24:00.000-08:00

Once there were two women
Who hardly knew each other
One you do not remember
The other you call mother
Two different lives shaped to make yours one
One becoming your guiding star
The other became your sun
The first gave you life
And the second taught you to live in it
The first gave you a need for love
And the second was there to give it
One gave you nationality
The other gave you a name
One gave you the seed of talent
The other gave you an aim
One gave you emotions
The other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile
The other dried your tears
The age old questions through the years;
Heredity or environment -
which are you the product of ?
Neither my darling - neither
Just two different kinds of love!
Author Unknown

A give away from my friend Kelsey

2010-12-02T10:21:00.000-08:00

Kelsey Snyder Stewart
Hello and Happy Holidays!
I am currently doing a giveaway on my blog for three signed copies of The Best For You. I sure would appreciate your help in spreading the word, or if you do not have a copy yet I would love for you to enter! Feel free to share with your friends or on your pages, tis the season for giving and I feel like GIVING!!!

Thanks,
Kelsey
A Birth Mother Voice: Holiday Adoption Book GiVeAwAy!!!!
thebestforyoubook.blogspot.com
Adoption is about love for the child, not that the child was not wanted. This heart warming book is aimed to help children and parents understand what one birth mother was thinking when she decided to adopt. Written in her perspective, she tells her child the reasons why she chose adoption for her

To enter go to this sight : http://thebestforyoubook.blogspot.com/2010/12/holiday-adoption-book-giveaway.html

A Unique Adoption Story... a must read!

2010-11-28T07:52:00.000-08:00

This is my friend Carol, she was 24 years old when she placed her little girl with a loving family. Carol's story is unique, for she is a mother of two other little children and she has placed one child. She didn't want an open adoption at first, but the couple she chose insisted on an open adoption. However her adoption has not been as open as she had understood it would be. This is her story... One night, in late January 2007, my boyfriend (we will call him Bob, the father of my child that I placed) beat me truly bad and broke a lot of my possessions (he was an alcoholic). I cried and cried asking God what to do. I finally got the courage to call the police, but it had to be hidden. I waited for him to go in the garage to smoke. When he finally did, I ran to the phone and quickly dialed 911. I let it ring enough for the dispatch to locate where the call was coming from. (My house). I ran to my room and laid down, nervously shaking trying to calm down to not raise suspicion in him when he returned. He came into my room and started to finally pass out after having a case of beer and vodka to himself. Ten to twenty minutes later, I heard a knock at the door. I thought “Thank God” but I pulled a surprise look on my face so he wouldn’t think I called the cops. He asked “who the heck is that? It’s 3am!” I lied and told him I him I had no clue. I got up to answer the door. The cops were here. I have never been so happy to see policemen in my life. I stepped outside and closed the door to speak with them. I told them what happened. They went inside, grabbed and threw him down and put him in handcuffs. Bob looked at me with surprise and confusion. They took him away and I felt relief. The next few weeks I felt confusion and abandonment. I had a no contact order against him. It was best to have it. About a month after he got out of jail, (March) he called me, telling me he would never do this again and we should patch things up. I, being naïve, thought maybe he is getting help and doing better. I started seeing him against the courts. After a few weeks, the abuse started again and by May 10th I got pregnant by him. I found out late June. I was excited, yet nervous. I was excited about having a baby. I love babies and wanted another one, but not in the situation I was in. I started to realize, no way could I be with Bob the way he is with a baby in tow. I was fearful of him doing more harm and that we would be just another broken dysfunctional family. The best I could do is stay away from him and raise this baby on my own along with my two other children. If I was able to do it for 4 years with two kids, I could do it with another child. My two children were already excited to have a new baby sister or brother. The kids and I planned many things for the new baby; what we would name him or her, what he or she would look like. They both wanted a baby brother or sister for a long time and were happy to have one soon. By late July/August, I cut off contact with Bob. This made him extremely upset. I hid my pregnancy from practically everyone but; my mom, Bob, and a close friend. I was ashamed and alone. Bob started to harass my friends and then me. I called the police a few times and they put him in jail for violation of the no-contact order. By October 31st he called again and harassed me and threatened me extremely. I told him to never call me again. I hung up and called the police yet again. I could not handle this anymore. My children needed me, and no man was to ever hurt us again. The police picked him up and I have never heard from him again. A month later I met a man named Josh. We started off just talking and getting to know each other. He was surprisingly well with the idea of me pregnant with another man’s baby. I thought he was crazy for liking me, though I was pregnant. He is a man of Christ and I needed this. We got to know each other and laid everything out on the table. We were being completely honest with each other. This is a new thing for me, but I was ready for anything the Lord had in store for me. After a few weeks of getting to know each other, I decided to introduce him to my kids. My kids fell in love with him the minute they met him and so did I. God had answered my prayers. A few weeks later my son came up to me and said, “I am glad you chose Josh. I really, really like him. He is good to you and good to us!” I started to cry. This made me so happy. I finally have someone amazingly wonderful in my life and my kids love him. I have never been so happy in my life. I was ready for change. We started going to church together and reading the bible together, along with also praying together and still do. This is what I have been needing my whole life. It took some obstacles to get through in order for me to really appreciate something so beautiful like our relationship with each other and with the Lord. How did you decide to place your child and find peace about your decision? By the end of December 2008, I was at the morning services at church and adoption came to my thoughts. This was the Lord coming through to me. "Adoption?" I said in my thoughts, "WHAT? WHY? That would be way too hard!" I started crying and then I prayed for comfort. I thought about adoption all day long. Over and over it went through my head. It was such a strong feeling, I couldn't ignore it. I spoke with Josh about it and he said he would support me with either decision I made. The next day I went to an adoption agency called the C.A.S.I. Foundation. The lady there was wonderful to me. I felt so much better about the decision more and more. She gave me a group of profiles to take home and look through. I started to think about what I wanted for this baby girl inside me. This baby needed both parents in her life. I also wanted her to have a big family. I had the profiles for two weeks. I went through them over and over, yet nothing seems to click with me. They are all wonderful potential parents, but not for me. I started to get overwhelmed, but knew that this was the only decision I was going to make for this baby. I told a friend of mine I was going to place this baby for adoption and she said that she is on my side. She will support either decision I make. I felt good knowing I had support in this. Later on that week she emailed me, telling me that her brother and his wife are looking to adopt. They have a little boy that is 5 and they now can’t have any more kid’s cause of fertility problems. She told me no pressure but to think about it. She then came over the next week with their profile. I took a look through it. I started to like what I was reading. A few thoughts came across; if I choose them, that means there would be a possibility I may run into them later on, cause of them being related to my friend, or, would it be too hard knowing they have my child and knowing I am friends with her (baby) aunt. I prayed so hard for the Lord to give me all the answers. Yet I couldn’t find any. I got a new batch of profiles from C.A.S.I and went through them. One couple I took interest in, but was not 100% sure. I thought about calling them but held back. There, lying amongst the other profiles was my friends brother and wife’s’ profile gleaming at me. I picked it up once more, staring at it for an hour, going through my pros and cons of this family. I still wasn’t sure. This decision was the hardest of them all I remember I was downtown driving during the day for some reason in mid January. I called up my friend and told her, “So, do you think (Jack and Jill) want to be parents again?” (Jack and Jill is not their real names) My friend started to cry, “Are you serious? Really? This is such great news!” I felt so much peace. This is it, this is my answer. I was told to call LDS services and set up an appointment with the family’s caseworker. I did. A week before I had my baby. Exactly a week later, February 6th, 2009, I got ready and left to the hospital that morning to have the cesarean. Then this baby girl was out and placed on the table about 8 feet from me at 1:20pm. She came out a healthy 8lbs and 1 oz and 20 inches long. My eyes began to flood when I saw and heard her cry. The doctor picked her up, wrapped her in a hospital blanket and placed her next to my face. “She is so beautiful,” I gasped. Her beautiful red hair and gleaming blue eyes..
What were your first thoughts and feelings about open adoption?

What did the couple you chose, tell you about open adoption?
The next three weeks were painful. I cried myself to sleep every night. I missed the feeling of her kicking in my belly. I missed the smell of her new baby smell from when she was born. I missed the feeling of holding her in my arms, while she slept so peacefully. I felt empty. I felt like she was to be here in my bed, in my arms, eating and then falling asleep. Then waking up 4 times in the night, longing for my warmth and attention. None of this was with me. She is with her family and now it is time to adjust. Amazingly, my children did well with knowing that they were not having their baby sister home with us. I explained to them that God have me this baby to give to this family. This is what the Lord wants. Someday, we will have our own little one. But now she is with her chosen family. They grew to understand and love the Lord so much that he can give miracles to people in small packages. I love my two children and wouldn’t trade them for anything else. I am so blessed that the Lord has trusted me to take care of his two little angels that I call Noel and Adrianna. I am so blessed to have my, now fiancé Josh, in our lives. I am so blessed that the Lord has chosen me to go on this journey and have me as a carrier of a miracle for another family. I could not do this without the Lord.
When did your adoption start to feel closed?
The journey has its ups and downs. I have my fair share of ups and downs with it. The family that I chose for this little girl, named her Carlie Jean. I like the name very much so. It has a little bit of remembrance with my name, Carol. She is a year old now and growing so fast. It is hard for me to believe it has already been 1 year. I have had little contact with this precious angel. I saw her once in December, 10 months after her birth. I made a blanket for her for Christmas. As much as I want visits with her, unfortunately I don’t get those as much as I want. I understand that she is with her family and I am not her family anymore.

It leaves me in confusion that I went through all this and it was quite hard for me to make the decision, too little contact. I am blessed that I do get emails time from time and pictures. But the first year is hard, very hard. I know that she is in the best place I could give her. I thank the Lord for giving me this opportunity to give her a better life. I pray for her often. I know that when the time comes, we will meet again.
What do you want hopeful adoptive couples to know?

UPDATE*** Carol has married a wonderful man, and had another beautiful baby girl. ****

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-23T12:34:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I am so thankful to all of you who have shared your stories with us on my blog :) I can't thank you enough! I know each story that is on my blog, touchs so many people!
I am thankful for open adoption and the ability of combining people, even strangers and making them Family!
I wish you all a Very Happy Thanksgiving.
To all my Birth Mom friends, I LOVE YOU! and to all the hopeful adoptive friends I love you too! :)
I am truly blessed because of you all!

Our Precious Olivia

2010-11-16T06:26:00.000-08:00

Hello!,
My name is Kelsey I am newly married to my husband Cameron we have been married for over six months and dated for two years on our wedding day.

I met Cameron at Auto Zone because my friend’s car broke down and he was the one helping us at the store I knew it was love at first sight! He was so nervous around me and knocking stuff off the shelf all over the place he asked for my number and from then we dated and the rest is history. We met in June and that November I started acutane( a drug for severe acne and if you become pregnant can be deadly to your unborn child). The dermatologist I had put me on antibiotics to get me ready for the acutane right little did in know or was told that antibiotics weaken your birth control and before you go onto acutane they make you take a blood drawn pregnancy test which came out negative, a month later I was not having my period and thought it would be best to take a pregnancy test just to make sure. That’s when me and my boyfriend Cameron (now husband) found out I was pregnant we were so scared but still told my mom, who took me into my dermatologist to talk about what to do now that I was pregnant. He told me right off the bat that there was a 98% chance that she would have serious retardation or mutation or die before I gave birth to her and that my only choice was abortion. This really upset me because I am so against abortion, so my mom and I went into the abortion clinic to talk to them about abortion and my options. We ended up bawling coming out of the clinic and knew we had to get more opinions. That’s when we went to my family doctor who then told us that the chance of her having problems was much lower around 20% and that we should get an ultrasound to see if she was developing

OK. When me, my husband and parents saw her on the monitor with her little legs kicking and heart beating we knew abortion was not an option. That is when my mom took me and Cameron to LDS Family Services where I met Lani my social worker and one of the most kind and generous people I will ever know. She did not pressure me into making any decisions I did not want to. That is when Cameron and I choose adoption for our daughter. How we found our adoptive parents was really crazy. Me and my husband went through profiles and kept coming back to this couple that just looked so cute but we didn't want to make any decisions on them and they were definitely our favorite. Later that week my mom (who works for the foster care foundation as the area representative) met with a couple that she seemed to recognized that wanted to become possible foster parents she then found out that they were the ones that me and Cameron had decided we liked the best, but she could not say anything because the fact that we had not made up our minds yet. That night my mom called me all exited and told me what happened that is when we knew we needed to stop looking because heavenly father guided us to the most amazing couple we could have ever dreamed of Brady and Deborah.

We met once before we went out to dinner at good wood and had our caseworker Lani come in with a basket of baby girl stuff that my mom and I had gone out to get for her and told them that we choose them to adopt our child it was so amazing seeing them so shocked and so happy it was an amazing moment. For the remaining months of my pregnancy we always invited them to ultrasounds to see how she was looking and for possible signs of brain problems she may have. We became best friends and I feel like Deborah is like a sister and Brady is the cool brother I never had and is a great influence on Cameron. Last June 12th Cameron purposed to me while I was 7 months pregnant it was such an amazing moment. I remember going to meet with different doctors to talk about how my daughter looked and them telling me how horrible I was for even having intercourse while on acutane and how it just made me so mad at myself as well as them for not getting the whole story.

I was due on September 3 but went into labor on the 18th of august when my water broke I can remember crying so hard because I felt that I gotten my precious time taken away from me because after she was born she would be with another family and not with me 24/7 like she had for the past 8 and 1/2 months. My labor lasted 12 hours from 10 pm to 10 am and what was funny was when I was born on august 13th my mom was watching the price is right at 10 am right before I started pushing I was watching the price is right as well. Even though that has nothing to do with what I’m talking about. While I was in labor I had the adoptive parents in the room as well as my mom and Cameron. I was really scared because the doctors told me she was going to have many problems as well as the doctors and nurses they told me as soon as she was born they would be taking her to get evaluated and have an MRI to check her brain for brain damage. It ended up that she was a beautiful 6 lb. 8 oz. 27 in. baby girl named Olivia Kelsey (chosen by the adoptive parents) who had no problems but they wanted to keep her in the NICU to watch her just in case
.

It was amazing to see Brady and Deborah
hold her and feed her they were so exited but scared to be parents. I remember not sleeping the whole time I was at the hospital because I did not want to miss any alone time I could get with Olivia.

My favorite time though was at night when everyone was asleep and I laid in bed holding her shocked at just how beautiful she was.

I believe on the 23rd we were ready to be released and that was the time that we needed to sign the parental relinquishment papers. This was the hardest part of the whole adoption the way those papers were worded made me feel like I was a horrible mother and that I could not provide for my child so I was giving her up for adoption. We had Olivia in the room with us and we were bawling we knew this was the end of being her parents and now being her birth parents. Brady and Deborah’s families were so kind and told us how much they loved us for being so selfless to give them a baby and how grateful they were. When we got home it really hit us like a ton of bricks she was gone and was no longer our baby who we cared for nine months. We laid in bed and just cried did not talk just cried, then we fell asleep for a whole 24 hours. The first month I did not even come out of my house I was so devisted besides going to see how she was which was about every two weeks sometimes more. It was nothing Brady and Deborah did they were amazing and were always making sure we were happy and taken care of. I was so numbed and blamed myself when I found out that Olivia was having eye problems because of the acutane. One of her eyes is lazy and she can’t focus or see very well. Another thing they noticed was the shape of her head which was not due to the acutane but due to the fact that she would lie in one spot in my belly became flat in some spots and made her head odd shaped. One thing that helped me so much were the post placement groups and therapy. It took a whole year to feel somewhat normal again but still to this day I am getting over the whole situation. But continue to grow.

This June me and Cameron got married and Brady was Cameron’s Groomsmen and Deborah was my Matron of Honor and of course Olivia was my flower girl it was truly the best day of my life
.
Because of the adoption I choose to go into working as a social worker in adoption to help girls like me through these tough but amazing situations, and Cameron know owns his own rock chip company and is doing very well. We still see Brady, Deborah, and Olivia every month or so and we talk often, she is now 15 months old still having some developmental problems but her eye is better and she is rolling and starting to try and crawl. Without adoption Olivia would not have the early intervention therapist come in and help her with her development, she would not be sealed in the temple, she would not have parents who could provide all her needs. This adoption I would not change for a thing it has brought me closer to heavenly father, my husband, and provided me with a whole new side of our family, of course a beautiful little girl who I cannot live without, and I would not be in college. Adoption is truly about love!

We've been given an award :)

2010-11-15T06:09:00.000-08:00

Check this great blog out! :) http://notjustabirthmom.blogspot.com/
she gave my blog an award. I feel very honored and it really helped me smile!
Thank you!
Another amazing Birth Mom out there and her blog is worth the read :)

Just to let you know...

2010-11-10T07:54:00.000-08:00

there has been a death in my family and so I am very busy right now with that, please forgive me for not updating this blog, please just look thru the old ones :) So many great stories. Thank you all :)

Questions and Answers from A Birth Mom and A Adoptive Mom

2010-10-29T20:43:00.000-07:00

Adoption is bitter/sweet...

2010-10-26T07:09:00.001-07:00

My name is Meghan.
I bought these awesome jeans at the local mall. Size zero, just like always.
I got back home and tried them on.
They were way too small. I couldn't even zip the zipper!
I thought to myself 'I don't gain weight'. I have weighed 95 pounds for the past three years of my life!
I knew something was wrong.
I had no other symptoms.
No nausea.
No morning sickness.

I had to get a pregnancy test.
I dragged a friend along and bought three pregnancy tests from the dollar store.
We arrived at her house and I was eager to find out so I took them, all three of them.
Positive.
I just stood in that bathroom and stared. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
My emotions were so stirred up that I had no clue how to act.
I walked into her living room and she asked what the results were..
I said 'Yep, I'm pregnant'.
The friend started freaking out and all I could do was laugh.
I was freaking out so bad that all I could do is laugh!
Once I had calmed down a little bit I decided that I should go to the store and buy an expensive, legit pregnancy test.

Both of those were positive too!
I still couldn't comprehend so the next day I bought one more test.
It was positive.

February 12, 2010 I found out that I was pregnant.

I was dating someone at the time so naturally I assumed the child was his.
He ignored me for a couple of days until I showed up on his doorstep on Valentine's Day.
I told him that I really was pregnant and that I needed him to be there for me.
We held each other and sobbed.
He told me it would all be okay and that I would not have to go through it alone.

We didn't talk much after that.
When I was four months pregnant he moved in with my mother and I.
Our relationship was super rocky and we fought almost constantly.
I was so stressed out over everything.
He had brought up the option of abortion before but I am strictly against that so now he was bringing up adoption.
I was completely against that also.
This is MY baby. I want it. I want to see its first crawl, hear its first chuckle, and take it to its first day of school.
I was scared.

I went to my first ultrasound when I was five months pregnant. They told me it was a boy!!
I was much further along than I had thought.
I thought I was only three months along, when in fact I was five.
We were not together when my baby was conceived.
I freaked and had no idea what to do.
I didn't tell him because I was in denial.

A month passed and we got in an intense heated argument.
The next day he moved back to Arkansas.

I was left alone to deal with this so all of the possibilities of the future came rushing into my mind.
I googled a few adoption agencies and was sent a packet from two of them.
I carefully scanned through each profile that I was sent but nothing felt right.
The people in the profiles were fake to me.
They looked like they were acting like they were perfect in the pictures to try and persuade me to pick them.
I didn't want that nor did I want someone in a completely different state who I didn't know to have my baby.. so I put all of that on hold.

My stepsister introduced me to a lady named Erin.
She lived in the same town and already had two children.
Her husband had already gotten a vasectomy and she just wanted one more.
I thought that I would give it a shot although I wanted my baby to be the first child joining the couple.
We talked for a week or so and everything was moving way too fast.
She had already gotten an attorney, wanted to go shopping for him,
and sent me a text that said 'I am paying the attorney so you better not change your mind.'

That was it for me. I was not comfortable.
The next day after the text I called her and gently told her that I was not comfortable and that I needed to explore my options.
She was very rude to me after that.
I am glad that she was rude because I knew I didn't like her for some reason and she showed it by getting angry and saying nasty things to me.
So once again, I put it all on hold.

One day I went to work and my boss asked me what my plans were for the baby.
I said that I had thought about adoption and parenting but that I was not having any luck finding a good family.
She told me that her niece had a syndrome known as Turner's syndrome.
She was told she couldn't have children when she was eight years old and that her and her husband would love to adopt.

I didn't know my boss well but I decided to give it a chance.
She gave me her niece's phone number and about a week later I finally got the nerve to call her and her husband.
Her voice was so warm and inviting, I had talked to her for twenty minutes and instantly felt I could trust them with everything.

They already had a planned trip to the town I lived in to see family so we decided that when they came we would meet.
The following weekend I met them at a park and was instantly convinced they would be perfect for my child.

Throughout my pregnancy I called them after every doctor's appointment and every counseling appointment.
I knew this was going to be great.

After a long conversation with my mother I decided it was time to tell my old boyfriend that I had not conceived when we were dating.
I was scared to do this but I did.
When that was over with I decided to confront the real father via text message.
I didn't know how else to do it.
He didn't say much, just that he had figured the whole time that the baby was his.
We didn't talk after that.

In August I went to my check up for the last time.
My doctor informed me that I would be induced the following Monday.
I called the adoptive mom and told her.
She started to cry and told me that the date I am being induced was her grandmother Rosaline's birthday.
This was so significant to her because her grandmother had raised her and had passed away.
After I heard that I knew I was doing the right thing.
Everything was so perfectly falling into place.

The last week of my pregnancy I was so excited to see my baby and so happy to give them the greatest life.
I couldn't wait to see their faces when he arrived.

August 09, 2010 I awoke and got ready to go to the hospital.
I was being induced at 5 a.m.
I had never been more anxious or scared in my entire life.
Labor lasted 13 hours but thanks to the epidural I barely felt any pain.
At 6:40 PM my baby GIRL was born.

I looked at the nurses that were cleaning her off and they said 'It's a girl!'
I thought I was hallucinating.
Sure enough it was.
We decided to name her Madisyn Rosaline DeeAnn
(DeeAnn is my middle name!)

When I looked at that little girl my heart raced.
I had never felt anything more intense and amazing.
She was the most beautiful little thing I had ever laid eyes on.
I never knew what love was until I held her for the first time.

Later on that night the adoptive parents came by my hospital room for a short visit.
I did not sleep that night, or the next night, I didn't want to miss anything!
I knew that the time I was in the hospital was my time to bond with my little girl.
I knew it was the most time I would get alone with her for a long time.

My doctor told me I could go home on the second day but I stayed another night.
I was not ready to let go of her, not just yet.

The day it was time to leave came faster than I thought it would.
The adoptive parents, my mother, Madisyn, and I all gathered in the hospital room for pictures and the goodbyes.
I put her in her car seat and carried her downstairs to their car.
It was so hard putting her in their car when my car was parked right next to theirs.
We took a few more pictures and went our separate ways.

I was so numb when I left the hospital, I barely showed any emotion.
My face was blank and I didn't know what to say.

Luckily, they stayed in town for the next couple of weeks waiting for all of the papers to be finalized.
I visited Madisyn every other day until they went home.

My sister gave birth to her daughter the day Madisyn left.
The hardest thing to do was watch her take her daughter home.
When I held my niece all I could think about was Madisyn.

It has been two months now! I take life one day at a time and try not dwelling on the fact that I gave my daughter away.
It helps to think about her future and how happy she will be thanks to my decision.
Also, I am able to go back to school and make something of myself.
I want her to grow up and think of me as an amazing woman.
I want her to know that I chose adoption because I was only eighteen years old, I had no money, I had barely any support.
I want her to know that it was the best possible option and that when I met her adoptive parents I fell in love.
They are everything I was looking for.
We have a VERY open adoption. I can call, text, email whenever I need to and we are visiting for the first time since they have been home in the next month or so!
As for the birth father and I, we have reconnected and talk often.
Although he was not a part of my pregnancy or the birth of our very beautiful daughter he tells me all of the time that I did the right thing.
He will be joining me on my trip to see Madisyn and I can not wait for the two of them to meet.

Adoption is a very tough decision, but you just need to hang in there.
It is the most bittersweet feeling that you could EVER feel.
I am so blessed to still be apart of her life.

Choosing to be Happy and finding a way to be OK :)

2010-10-21T19:13:00.000-07:00

My story starts back in 2007. I was sixteen, and I got my first job at a local amusement park, where I met R. We began dating shortly after meeting, and by the end of the summer, I was pregnant. My cousin found out, and forced us to tell the entire family. We had to sit and make phone call after phone call to all of my aunts and uncles. Needless to say, none of them were very supportive. A lot of my relationships with family members became severely damaged during that time, and remained so for quite a while. It was a rough pregnancy. I was extremely stressed, and I had horrible morning sickness. I couldn’t keep anything down, and I lost a lot of weight. When I was about four months along, I had a miscarriage. My family chose to pretend the pregnancy and miscarriage had never happened.

After the miscarriage, my family forced R and I to break up. R moved to SC, and my family shipped me off to live with relatives in NC. Eventually, we both ended up back in GA, and started secretly hanging out. In fall of ’08, R called and asked me to go out to dinner as “friends”, and I agreed. One thing led to another that night, and a month later I realized I was pregnant again. I told R, but we both chose to ignore it for the most part. As R said, “What’s the point of making any plans? You’ll just have another miscarriage.” After the first pregnancy, I figured he was probably right; especially as I had been told I may not ever have children.

The months passed and I continued to keep it a secret, from everyone. I acted like nothing was happening; I continued hanging out with friends, even going on trips. Eventually I began to realize this pregnancy wasn’t going to end in miscarriage. I began to panic. By this point I was almost 6 months pregnant, with no job, and no plan. I began to talk to R about adoption. I searched on Google and found an agency located in California that did adoptions across the US. I contacted them and they sent me a packet of forms to fill out. I filled it out with R, but didn’t send it back. Something just didn’t feel right… So, I called them and told them we had found a couple on our own.

By this time, my mother had grown suspicious, and one day she finally came right out and asked me if I was pregnant. I said yes, and I told her we were looking at adoption. I explained that since I was 18, I was doing things on my own this time, and I did not want the rest of the family to know. I did not want to deal with everyone else’s thoughts and opinions on my situation. I needed only people who would be supportive. She agreed, and suggested I go to Care Net Pregnancy Resource center for a proof of pregnancy test and counseling.

While I was there we talked about adoption, and they had me watch a video of Mark Shultz’s song “Everything to me”. In the video, he talks about how he is adopted, and how he wrote this song for his birthmother. Songs and movies never make me cry, but this one had tears rolling down my cheeks. I had this overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be OK, and that adoption really was the choice I should make. My counselors came back in and prayed with me, and by the time I left everyone was in tears!

The ladies at Care Net told me there was an ultrasound training happening the next day, and they were doing free ultrasounds. I signed up immediately, and went the next day with my mother (R was out of town). I was SO relieved to find out that the baby was ok and healthy. The ultrasound technician asked me if I knew what I was having, and after telling her no, she moved the scanner over and asked if I could tell. It was obvious, I was having a boy! I started crying as soon as I found out, and I texted R immediately to tell him.

Care Net had given me a list of local adoption agencies, but a few of them had a star by them. I decided to check out the first one with a star, Catholic Charities, and dragged R along with me. We met with Sandy, and at this point I can’t even remember what all we talked about. I do remember that I left feeling at peace, and knowing that this was the agency we would use. We began counseling sessions with Lacell, and she really pushed us to exhaust all resources that could help us parent before we got serious about adoption. Her unbiased counseling is something I have really come to appreciate.

In April, when I was about eight months pregnant, we wrote down a wish list of sorts for what we wanted in our sons’ adoptive parents. The week after that Lacell gave us two profiles to start out with. We didn’t have much to say about the first profile, and before giving us the second Lacell explained they were an interracial couple like us (which is what we wanted), and they had been approved just the week before. As we started reading through the profile, we started grinning from ear to ear. They were everything we wanted. They were perfect. We set up a visit with them and their 3 yr old son J (who had also been adopted and was also a black/white baby) for the next week. The meeting went amazingly well, and as soon as it was over R and I agreed without a doubt that they were the ones.

A few weeks later on May 20th, I had a C-section. There were a few complications and I had to be sedated, so I don’t remember anything after feeling him being pulled out of me and hearing his cries. I had Robbie at 4:53 pm, but because of the complications, I didn’t actually see him until after 9 pm that night. They rolled him into my room and placed him in my arms. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. We spent the next three days in the hospital together; R and I kept him with us the entire time with the exception of when they took him to be circumcised or weighed and measured. We had M and S (the adoptive parents) come to visit only once, for a half hour or so. They gave R a watch, and me a necklace that I wear all the time. They each held Robbie, and S (the dad) fed him. The visit was short and sweet. I believe this is how it should be done, as your time in the hospital is YOUR time, not theirs. It is also the only time you will have to parent your child. Trust me, they have the rest of your child’s life to bond with him/her. You don’t.

The day I was discharged from the hospital, I spent the whole morning holding Robbie. I kept him on my bed with me, holding him close, trying to memorize everything about him. I used that time alone to let myself cry and tell him how much I love him, and that I was sorry. That afternoon I got him dressed in the go home outfit I’d bought him, and took pictures with my family. Once it was time to go, I carried him down to the nursery where the social worker was waiting. After kissing him goodbye and telling him I love him, I placed him in the bassinette and forced myself to walk away. As I started to walk away, he began screaming his head off. It was like he knew what was happening. Let me tell you, signing the papers was a walk in the park compared to walking away from my crying son.

The next few weeks were some of the hardest in my life. I spent most of my time crying in my room or in the shower, wondering if I had made the right decision. My every thought was about Robbie. Where was he? What was he doing? Was he ok? What did he look like now? Does he miss me? I felt so completely numb. My womb was empty, my arms literally ached to hold him, and my heart felt as though it had been ripped from my chest. To make things worse, I experienced “ghost kicks”, where you feel as though there is still a baby kicking you from inside. It was a very painful reminder of what I no longer had.

We received our first email from M just a few days after they had gotten Robbie. She told us all about his first doctors visit, how much he weighed, how long he slept at night, how much he was eating, what his name was, etc. It was so comforting to receive that email. It let me know that they really did want an open adoption. We emailed every week, with M sending us TWO sets of pictures in the first month. After a few weeks of emailing, I hesitantly brought up the possibility of setting up a visit. M agreed right away, and we set up a visit for the first week of July.

I was so nervous and anxious about the visit I didn’t sleep the night before, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t eat ANYTHING the whole day (this happened every time I had a visit, for about six months). The visit was a bit awkward at first, but M and S were so welcoming, that it wasn’t hard to just relax and have fun. R and I ended up spending the entire day with them, staying for lunch and dinner. We spent the day playing with J and Robbie, and just talking and getting to know each other better. I figured I would cry when I had to leave Robbie again, but I was able to leave that visit with a smile on my face and a full heart. Seeing how happy and loved Robbie was helped me to know I had made the right decision.

It’s been 17 months, and things have certainly gotten easier since that first visit. I no longer agonize over what to say in my emails/texts/facebook messages; I am now able to get a full night sleep before each visit, and when I’m hungry, I just open up their fridge and find something to eat! They have truly become extended family to me, and I can honestly say M is one of my dearest friends. We talk about everything under the sun, and some times we meet up and hang out, just the two of us. Our relationship started because of adoption, but it has evolved into so much more than that.

That doesn’t mean our situation is perfect. We’ve had our ups and downs, we’ve had disagreements (though they have been handled respectfully), and there were a few months our contact was limited. I’ve been diagnosed with major depression and slight post traumatic stress disorder. There have been months when I thought things would never get better, and days where I couldn’t get out of bed.

Adoption isn’t rainbows and butterflies. It’s hard, and complicated. You have to be willing to work through things. You have to take the good with the bad, just like with every relationship. You have to choose to be happy. Once you do that, you may just find a way to be OK with everything.

Hopeful Adoptive Couples....

2010-10-15T08:10:00.001-07:00

The Bulgaria government is trying to "get rid of" their handicapped
orphans. Cost of ADOPTING one of these children is just $8k and it only
takes 4 months. Some handicaps are as minor as a crossed eye, club foot,
hair lip, cleft palate-
...Expenses are 100% tax deductible. Call One Heart Bulgaria’s Adoption
Support Specialist, Janet Peterson, @ 435-752-7638.
This is the ONLY INFO I WAS GIVEN! SORRY. YOU MUST CALL TO FIND OUT ANYTHING ELSE! GOOD LUCK ALL!

Thankful for God's Hands in my Adoption...

2010-10-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

I had just move out to Arizona from Oklahoma where I grew up (had left bible college behind..which I regret screwing up)..the only person I knew there was my aunt..I had a great job at a mortgage company and my very first apartment..I was 20 and loving life on my own. I had came from a very sheltered life style and was so innocent, until my cousin came into state from Cali…with his stripper girlfriend. She just moved her self into my place and took over..ugh..I started partying a little but never went out with them..I was too young… my cousin introduced me to a friend’s friend. This guy’s name was Dave..Dave was super sweet and calm..he was a good family oriented guy I could tell right away… I definitely wanted to get to know him better… we hung out a few times went on dates… he was soo funny… an all around good person. Then after a few months. 2 days before my 21st birthday I found out I was pregnant… ooooh man! Was I ever scared! I was scared to tell Dave. I had no idea how he would react. Well, he was shocked but decided to stay with me and we decided to raise this baby together.. his family is catholic and he did NOT want to tell his parents (I didn’t want to tell mine either)… he suggested we get married… I told him no, I just wasn’t ready for that (or a baby really but I was against abortion and adoption) so I knew I was going to have the baby and glad he decided to stay.

We both ended up telling our families, and of course everyone was shocked and a lil upset… but they came around. I was an emotional wreck while pregnant… I had no control over my feelings it was very strange for me. I would cry all the time… then laugh cause I had no idea why I was crying... Dave wasn’t very considerate of my feelings all the time.. or so I thought.. so I cried more.. lol and around 7 ½ months my boss decided to fire me!
For no reason… I was GREAT at my job…. even winning awards the months before and getting a promotion! He did not like pregnant women on his “team” I had heard him say that a few times to others… he told me I HAD to quit cause if he fired me it would look bad being I was pregnant and it was 2 days before Christmas… I felt I had no choice… so I quit with the promise that he would pay me for the next month.

So there it was… I was very pregnant and job-less and Dave had been throwing around the word adoption for a month before that… after losing my job, I lost my apartment and felt that Dave would be gone next… I couldn’t raise a baby alone and I was now living with that stripper friend of my cousins. I hated it and knew I couldn’t bring the baby back there. I had nowhere to go and no family to help (I don’t have a mom or dad) I thought about moving in with Dave but he had a roommate and his roomies girlfriend lived with them. They didn’t want a baby there... so I felt like I had no choice. I brought up adoption to Dave and that week we had found an agency and everything happen so quick after that. I just wish I had more time, that’s all I needed…

Dave and I had looked through some hopeful parents files and had narrowed it down to 2 couples. Man was that a hard decision... both couples deserving and how hard was it to turn down one. I had my family pray about it and friends and they had people praying too Everyone got a copy of the 2 files and everyone came to a decision on the same ones that me & Dave picked out. Jennifer and Jason were the new parents of “Ethan Daniel/Michael” couldn’t decided on a middle name yet. I couldn’t wait to tell them. I was excited to make them happy. This would be their first child and mine too. It was hard to see them so happy though, because I wanted to be them. I wanted to have him and be happy, but I knew it wasn’t going to work that way so right at a month after telling Jen and Jason that we had chose them, I had my baby boy. Man it was an amazing feeling holding him for the first time..Dave cried like a baby... so did I. My aunt was also there and my grandma. Everyone supported our decision. I cried the whole time I was in the hospital. I couldn’t stop! I held him and kissed him and prayed once more that God would show me I made the right decision. On the night before we left, Dave was going to go home and get rest before he left the 3 of us laid in the hospital bed and cried and hugged each other(geez, im crying now)
He asked me if we could keep him lol as if he were a puppy. I had been wanting him to say that for so long... as if I needed his approval. My first thought when he asked this was on Jennifer, Ethan’s new mom, I could just see how crushed she would be if I had changed my mind and I didn’t need to give it a second thought. I told Dave NO WE CAN'T KEEP HIM. We already promised Jennifer and Jason a baby, there was no turning back. I felt good about saying that but was angry with him for now bringing this up sooner. This next part is hard to share. I’m crying just thinking about that day I left the hospital without him.

So…the next day around noon Ethan’s parents came to pick him up..I did ok, until we got out the door and they had to take him to put him in their car.I DID NOT want to let go.I wasn’t ready.I WASN’T READY!
We were all crying. I don’t remember who took him out of my arms, but I remember how it felt. My heart broke into a million pieces! I felt like I was dying! I wanted to die. I wasn’t ready to let him go. He was MY baby... I wanted him! On the way home Dave and I didn’t talk. I was thinking in my head how angry I was at him. I felt like it was his fault... like he should have never mentioned adoption to me, like he should have manned up and said NO we are keeping our baby, but he didn’t and I was too weak to. So Dave dropped me off at my empty apartment (I had sold everything but my mattress to pay rent) I was all alone. No job, no baby, and I had found an eviction notice that my roommate had on the counter. Could life get any worse??? I knew me and Dave would come to an end. I don’t know how we could stay together. I was starting to resent him. Sure enough 6 weeks later. I had nothing! I was days away from being homeless and still crying every night over my baby. I tried to commit suicide. I wanted to die sooo bad but I just couldn’t do it, because I didn’t want my son to grow up and not know me. Hes the only reason I stuck around…

Jennifer and Jason are sooo perfect for him! I am soo thankful that God picked them to be his parents. They ended up naming him: Zachary Ethan.
I am extremely thankful that they chose open adoption and have allowed me to visit. I can’t get enough pictures of him. I love seeing how happy he is and while it was a rough start 5 ½ years later..it’s a little easier and I am completely confident in my decision! I just wish I lived closer so I can visit more. They adopted a baby girl in august of 08.

When I started the adoption process I was terrified I had no idea what adoption was like? I had no knowledge of open adoption and I knew I couldn’t live without knowing if he was ok. I know this was all in God’s hands... he led us to the right place and to the right parents for our child and for that I am very thankful….sad, but thankful.
Since my adoption, I have married and have a beautiful daughter, Abbey.

Dave also married and this is him and his wife.

Live Chat for Birth Moms :)

2010-10-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

BirthMom Buds Chat tonight at 10 pm eastern in the chat room. We have a new & improved chat software so it will look different but it will be the same log in and everything as before. http://www.forum.birthmombuds.com/ Look for "live chat" in the board index.

A Journey Angels did attend...

2010-10-11T12:43:00.001-07:00

This beautiful story is from Andee.... I love the details in it! It really touched me! Especially at the end where she felt angels attending all that she did!

It was valentines day.
(I bought a box of pregnancy tests earlier that week because, after the terrible day we made the mistake, I had been paranoid about being pregnant. which is wierd since we only messed up once. once.)

While I was getting ready I was thinking about the pregnancy tests. At this point I had taken one and it had come back negative, so I was sure I wasn't but I wanted to be absolutely positive. I grabbed one of them, looked at Kris and told him I was going to take it just to stop me from stressing out so much.
I took the test, and about 3 minutes later looked at it and I only saw one line.
I walked out, told Kris it was negative, and proceeded to get ready.
I don't know why, but I didn't throw the test away. So when I went back into my room to change my clothes, I glanced back down at the pregnancy test.
next to the 1st line was a really light pink line. I had to double take at first and when I saw the line I yelled for Kris to come look.
"does that look like another line to you?" I asked him. I was starting to panic.

His eyes got really big and he looked at me. "go take the other one." he said. I ran to the kitchen, drank a huge glass of water, and within 15 minutes I was able to take the other test.
It felt like centuries to get the results from this test.
Sure enough, there was a light pink line next to the first again.
"these lines are too light" I told him "this isn't good enough. maybe the test is just broken"

Our Dinner reservations were in a half hour. "let's just go to dinner." he said. "we'll buy another test afterwards." I agreed but wasn't sure how I was going to make it through all of dinner.
I can honestly say that I don't remember what I ate, or even what the restauraunt looked like. I was too stressed out. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. Buying another test was the only thing on my mind, and it wouldn't subside.

When dinner was finally over, I pretty much ran to the car. We drove straight to Albertsons, and bought a different brand of pregnancy tests this time. This box had two in it.
I ran to the bathroom, and took another test.
I waited for what seemed like an eternity, and looked at it.
the + sign was really really light again.
This was not good enough. Unless the line was dark, I wasn't going to believe the stupid thing.
"Just wait until tomorrow Andee. It might just be too soon to tell." said Kris. "fine." I said. "but I'm buying this one too." I grabbed the test that actually says "pregnant" or "not pregnant" digitally. That way I wouldn't have to play games with the tests anymore.

Kris brought me back to my apartment, I said bye to him and went straight to bed. I couldn't sleep that night...When I woke up, I immediately took the last test from the + or - box.
the + sign was darker than the 3 previous tests, but not dark enough for me.
I left for class and hardly made it through my first one. I was not going to go through the rest of my classes like this. I skipped my others, and went home. I was taking this last one and it was digital so I would know for sure. It was the moment of truth.

I got home, grabbed the test and headed straight for the bathroom. After taking it I sat there staring at the hourglass on the test. please be negative. I thought. PLEASE.

I put my face in my hands and said a quick prayer.
this can't be positive.
When I looked down, my stomach twisted and I felt as if I was going to throw up. My eyes became blurry with tears as I read the word "pregnant" on the test.
this cannot be happening to me!! no!

I began sobbing. I went to my room, laid on my bed and cried and cried. About a half an hour later I called the clinic behind my apartment.
"I think I'm pregnant. I need to come in to confirm it."
"have you taken a pregnancy test?"
"yes. five."
"were any of them positive?"
"yes. all of them."
"wow. okay, well you're pregnant. There is no need to come in. Is this a good or a bad thing?"
"it's bad."
I couldn't stop crying. I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare.
I hung up the phone and called Kris. After telling him the news, I grabbed my keys and went to my car. I had to get out of my apartment.

That night, my mom called me. 30 seconds into the conversation she could tell something was wrong. I got off the phone with her before she could ask anymore questions. I was not ready to tell her.

not even five minutes later, my dad texted me telling me he had a bad feeling about something and that I needed to be completely honest with him. I didn't reply. I didn't know what to say. I was at my aunts house babysitting. The kids were in bed and Kris was there talking about what we should do. That was when my dad called.
He asked me what was going on. I could barely talk.
he began asking me a bunch of questions, that of which I did not respond to because I was sobbing and couldn't control my voice.
"Andee if you get pregnant!...." he began to say.
"I am pregnant dad!" my crying was now very noticable.
silence.
"she's pregnant" he said to my mom. "we're coming over"
Within minutes they were at the front door. They came in and told Kris that he better leave. My mom pushed him out the door and slammed it shut.

That was when they turned to me. They yelled for about 10 minutes. They told me how irresponsible this decision was, and asked me what I plan on doing. Then my mom told me she was staying with the kids until my aunt came home and to go home with my dad.

I got in his car and it was almost completely silent on the way home. He asked me two questions. One was what I was thinking of doing. When I responded marriage he asked me why I loved him. I then tried to think of reasons why I loved him....I tried.
When we pulled into the garage, I followed my dad to the bottom of the stairs. He stopped when we got there, turned around, and started crying. That was the worst part. I wished so badly he were still yelling. I would have rather him been yelling. He never cries.
He then grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. All I could say was I'm sorry. I said it over and over as we stood there and cried. We then went to their room and talked about my options. My Dad told me that he was going to tell me his opinion, and what he thinks I should do, then after that he wasn't going to say a word. He explained that he thought I should place for adoption. But that was it.

For the first few weeks I decided that I wanted to get married. I wanted to keep the baby. it was my baby. I bought a dress, but was not excited. I was in a bad mood all of the time and was not ever happy. I kept praying for an answer. I WANTED marriage to be right. I wanted things to work out. I wanted it so badly that I refused to listen to my answer. For weeks I ignored my feelings, but I continued praying for an answer. I was becoming so frustrated. One day I finally Knelt down and said a prayer asking that if marriage was not the right thing, then to give Kris the second thoughts that I had the entire time.
He had been all for marriage from the beginning and never showed any sign of second thoughts.

A couple days after I prayed for that answer, we were driving home from getting our marriage license. When we were almost home, Kris explained that we needed to talk. He said that he had been thinking a lot lately and he wanted to talk. We pulled into his driveway and parked the car. He started explaining that he wasn't sure this was the right thing. He then went on to tell me things I had never heard before. He told me things that I had asked him about before I even discovered I was pregnant. He had obviously not been honest with me.

I sat in shock the entire time. I could not believe what he was telling me. I began to cry, took the ring off my finger and gave it to him. "so should we think about this for a while?" he asked. "yes." I said. I had already made my decision. Kris was having second thoughts. It was an answer to my prayers. The minute he got out of the car, I received a text from my mom "do you need me?" I was confused as to how she knew what was going on, and when exactly to text me. "yes" was my reply.
She called me right after that. She was crying, and I was crying. She told me to meet her at the park. We got there around the same time, and her and my dad walked up to me and gave me a hug.
After asking my mom how she knew, she told me that Kris had gone to her before he came to me. He told her all his second thoughts.
My mom KNEW that once he told me, it would be a deal breaker.

We sat on the bleachers, my dad wrapped a blanket around me and they both sat down and hugged me. I knew what this meant. I had received my answer, but it wasn't the answer I wanted. It wasn't the answer I was hoping for. This was my baby. I wanted to raise my baby. It was my baby. Mine.
We talked for an hour. I explained to them that I didn't want to make ths little baby suffer from my mistakes. I didn't want to make my child go between parents every weekend. I wanted it to have a mom and dad that loved eachother.

I was going to place for adoption.
The next few days, I had a hard time getting up in the mornings. I had to force myself to go to work everyday. I just wanted to stay in bed. I was so depressed. Everyday my mom would tell me that I needed to start looking at profiles. She kept saying
"the sooner the better. The sooner you find someone, the easier things will be."
Every time she would say that I would think "yeah right! once I find someone, it will mean that I really am placing this baby. it will be even worse." I cried myself to sleep every night, and every night my mom would come lay next to me, talk to me about my situation and tell me that I would feel better after finding the adoptive couple.

A couple days after I called off the wedding, we met with LDSFS to start the adoption process. My case worker asked me to write a list of the kind of family I wanted my baby to go to. I remember writing a huge long list. I wrote in many different ways that I wanted them to be in love.
I wanted my baby to be loved unconditionally.

I wanted the adoptive couple to love each other unconditionally.

My mom kept telling me that I needed to be realistic, and that what I was writing was not realistic, because I wrote a lot of really picky things. But I knew what I wanted, and they were out there. It was just hard to put it in words on paper.

After meeting with my case worker, I finally decided that I needed to start searching for the perfect couple. I got on itsaboutlove.org and started looking through the thousands of families looking to adopt. for the first couple of days, I wrote down every couple that I liked and that impressed me. I probably had at least 50 written down. About three days later, I decided I needed to start narrowing it down. This took hours to do, but I finally narrowed it down to my top five favorite. These 5 couples were all amazing and their profiles really impressed me.

After that I set the list aside, and didn't look at it for a couple of days.

About 2 days after I wrote my list, my mom received a phone call from one of her close friends sisters, Lisa. Lisa told her that she knew a couple that was trying to adopt and that she felt impressed to tell us. My mom received calls like this every day, so she didn't think much of it. But when Lisa told her that I could look up their profile on itsaboutlove.org, and that their names were D & A it caught her attention.

My mom had heard their names before. After getting off of the phone with Lisa, she went to look at my list. D & A were my number 2. My mom couldn't believe it.

When I arrived home from work that day my mom told me the story. The second she said D & A I became excited. I knew I liked them.

The next day I met with Melissa and brought my list with me. I told her that I wanted to set up an appointment to meet with both D & A and my #1 couple. She agreed and told me she would call me when she had a date and time set up.

The next day Melissa called me and explained that she had gotten ahold of D & A immediately and that I was to meet with them Tuesday April 15th, at 6:00 pm. She then went on to tell me that she could not get ahold of the first couple, but that she would try again after I met with D & A.

I agreed and was really excited, yet really scared to meet them. I arrived at the agency at 5:30 to meet with Melissa first. She asked me if I had come up with any questions I was going to ask them. I had thought about it, but I mostly just wanted to get to know them. I wanted to know about them.
At 6:00 D & A's case worker Pam, walked in and said they were there. I felt this overwhelming feeling of comfort. My whole body relaxed as I walked into the room we were going to meet in and sat down on the couch.

About a minute later I saw a beautiful girl walk past the room. I stared at the door. I knew that was her. Sure enough she turned around and walked into the room. She was holding a bouquet of flowers and had the sweetest smile on her face I had ever seen.

The second she stepped into the room I felt the spirit overcome me. I stood up and hugged her. "Hi, I'm A." she said.

It's hard to put in words the way I felt after that. I knew her from somewhere. I felt like we had been lifelong friends.

I knew her.

She gave me the flowers and sat down on the couch next to mine. Just seconds after that D walked in. I knew I had seen him before as well. He gave me a hug, said "Hi I'm D" and sat on the couch next to A. I stared at both of them in amazement.

This was the couple I had been searching for.

The conversation began flowing, and continued to the entire time. We talked , laughed and shared interests. They told me everything I wanted to know about them, not only by words but by the way they presented themselves. You could tell they were absolutely amazing people by just looking at them. I could tell they were truly in love; Best friends.

When what seemed like minutes, an hour had gone by. Our caseworkers told us it was time to wrap things up. Melissa asked D and A to write their email address down in case I had anymore questions and that we would let them know when I made my decision.

Once she said that I realized that no one knew I had already made my decision. The moment they walked into the room I had made my decision.

There is nothing I can say that could describe the overwhelming feeling I felt. There are not words that will emphasize how much I knew this couple was my babys parents.

I just knew.

I looked at Meilssa, then back at D and A. A (adoptive mom to be) was writing their email address on a piece of paper. "Actually." I said "I already made my decision." She ( A) looked up from writing and sat back. Dustin looked at her and then they both looked back at me. "can I tell you my decision now?" I asked Melissa "oh yeah of course." she said

I didn't know how to say it. D and A were just staring at me. I couldn't read the emotion in either of their faces. "I want you guys to be the parents." I said as tears filled my eyes. It was all I could get out.

A (Adoptive Mom to be) covered her mouth with her hands and started crying. D just stared at me I could now see emotion in his face.

I couldn't stop staring at either of them. I was looking at the parents of my child. I don't remember what was said after that. all I remember was there was whole lot of hugging and many tears. Happy tears.

That night, I received an email from them. I was so excited and immediately emailed them back. I asked them if they wanted to go to Dinner that weekend, and that I wanted to bring my parents so that they could meet them. Sure enough we set up a day and time and we met at Olive Garden. The meeting went well and we talked non-stop the entire time. They gave me their phone numbers as we were leaving, and D texted me while we were on our way home.
"I just wanted to let you know that I always told A(adoptive Mom to be) that when she got pregnant, I would get her anything she was craving at any time of night. The same goes for you."

I laughed, and thanked him.
These really were some AMAZING people.

A couple of days later, I asked them if they wanted to come to the Doctor Appointments with me. I wanted it to seem like (A) was the one pregnant. I wanted her to experience the pregnancy with me. It made things easier for me. It helped me feel that she would bond with the baby as much as me. It made it easier for me to call her the mom and not me. So they did. I was only 14 weeks along when we met, so they only missed the very first appointment. When we got to the hospital, and went back into our room, our nurse told me that we were going to hear the heartbeat. I was So excited. When the doctor came in and put the monitor on my stomach, it became silent.

He moved it around for a while and we kept hearing little thuds. "Do you hear that?" said Dr. Terry. "That is the baby kicking." I was speechless. This was so wierd! he moved it around a little more and stopped. "There's the heartbeat" he said.

A (adoptive Mom to be) and I both looked at eachother and smiled. W O W.

We listened for about 15 seconds, and the doctor started talking again. "Well, from the sound of the heartbeat, I predict it's a girl!" I laughed. "How often are you right?" He looked at me and smiled. "About 50% of the time".

A week later, we decided to go to Fetal Foto to find out the sex of the baby. They said that they could find out as early as 15 weeks, so we went as early as possible. That's the most exciting part of a pregnancy! My mom came with me to this, as well as D & A(of course). When the Ultrasonographer put the camera on my stomach, and I saw the profile on the screen in front of me, I stared in shock. Up on that screen was a baby. a baby! It had not actually hit me that I was having a baby until that moment
As she went on to look at the profile of the baby, my throat became really tight. I could not believe that there was a little child inside of me. I looked at Dustin and Andrea, and their eyes were fixed on the screen. They were seeing their baby for the very first time. All of the sudden the Ultrasonographer said

"okay it looks like you're having a little girl."

My head spun around to look at her. "what?" I asked. "look" She said, pointing at the screen. I looked back at D and A and they were grinning. I was so happy for them, but at the same time I ached. I LOVED girls. I wanted this baby! I felt a stabbing pain in my chest. I wanted her. I smiled at them. It took everything in me to hold back tears throughout the rest of the ultrasound. I looked at my mom and she was looking at the screen. I couldn't read her expression but I knew she was feeling the pain as well. I looked back at D and A and they were staring at me. I smiled at them again and then quickly looked back at the screen to hide the tears in my eyes.

When we were done, we went back to the waiting room while they created the video and printed off the pictures. I sat on the couch. A (adoptive mom to be)sat next to me on one side and my mom on the other. "how are you doing?" my mom asked. That was it. I couldn't hold it in anymore. "This sucks." I said as I burst into tears. A (adoptive Mom to be) began to cry as well and put her arm around me.
She hugged me.

I couldn't stop crying. I tried as hard as I could to stop. I didn't want them to worry about me. They were supposed to be enjoying the moment. They had just found out they were having a girl. I didn't want to ruin the moment.

"I hope she looks just like you" said D.

I looked at him and smiled. "thanks." I said. Here they were trying to make me feel better. They didn't have to do this. I wished I could stop. I didn't want to make them feel like they couldn't be excited. They needed to be excited.

When they finally brought the pictures and video out, we walked out the door. A (adoptive Mom to be) hugged me again and we stood there for a while. I was crying. She was crying. These people were amazing.

When I got in the car I looked at my mom. I knew she was trying to be strong for me. We both began to cry and gave eachother a hug. My mom is a strong person.
As the weeks went by, we saw each other more and more.

I worked at eBay, and after about a month, D and A started bringing me dinner. They did this almost every night. We talked about everything during these dinner breaks, and learned so many things about each other. These were amazing people.
(did I mention that these are AMAZING people?)

One day I was sitting at work and texting them. I was talking to D (adoptive Dad to be) and I asked him if they had decided on what they were going to name the baby yet. When he texted me back I was not expecting the tears that came after I read it. He told me that they had decided on the name Avery Leigh.

Leigh is my middle name.

He said that they wanted to give meaning to her name, and they wanted her to remember her birth mom. I didn't know what to say. All I could do was thank both of them through text, and cry.

The months went on, and by the time I was 9 months along I was ready to have the baby. I was getting so anxious, and felt as ready as I would ever be. My due date was October 25th. I got to my weekly checkups, and everytime I would leave in a bad mood. Every appointment they would tell me that nothing was happening. I hadn't even started thinning.

Let's just say, the people that I came in contact with the last few weeks of my pregnancy... I owe each and every one of them an apology.

I was in a bad mood everyday.
I didn't know why this baby wasn't coming. I was an emotional wreck.
I felt fat,
I wasn't dilated or even THINNED,
every doctors appointment was bad news,
I was WAITING to go through something I was not looking forward too when I would rather get it over and done with,
and
on top of all that
my best friend had just died.

I felt like It would be easier to cope if I could deal with all of it at once; especially when I knew I was going to have to soon.

October 25th came and nothing.

was I ever going to have this baby?

On October 26th, I am pretty sure I cried all day long. I wanted to have this baby more than anything.

Why wasn't she coming?
Why was she taking so long?

That night, while I was laying next to my mom and complaining, (this had been a regular occurrence lately) She got up and said "I'm hungry. Let's go to Mcdonalds" I looked at her, confused. "Okay..."
she then told me to put on some tennis shoes because we were walking there.

Normally I would have been against this little idea, but I knew that it would have to do SOMETHING for me to walk that far. It was at least 3 miles away.

We walked all the way, my mom was so patient with me. I complained about my situation the whole way there and cried. She simply just listened and talked to me about it.

That day, I came to the conclusion that my mom is truly my best friend. No one else would have put up with me like she was.

When we got to McDonalds I had blisters on my feet. My mom called my dad & had him pick us up so that we didn't have to have to walk all the way home.

The next day, D & A and I decided to meet for dinner and then go to my house afterwards to play games. We did this every week. For dinner, we decided to go to the little Chinese restaurant by my house.

While we were eating I had my first real contraction.

I wasn't sure if I should get excited or not because I had been getting contractions for weeks and nothing was happening.

On the way back to my house I had another one. These contractions were all a lot more intense. When we arrived at my house, we started setting up the game. This was when I started having them close to 5 minutes apart.

My mom kept saying that I was faking it. I began trying to convince her that I really was having them. "you told me earlier today that you were going to fake it." she said.

That was true. But I wasn't faking it.

My Dad on the other hand said he believed I was going to have her by the next day. My mom decided that we would go for a walk in the park, and if I was still having them we would go to the hospital.

D and A pulled out their camera and started taking pictures. They didn't want to miss anything if this was for real.

We walked to the park and back. Sure enough, I was still having them. The feeling that surrounded us was so intense. You could feel every one's excitement, and anxiety.

When we finally decided to go to the hospital, D and A followed behind us all the way there. At one point they called and asked if we thought this was really it.

When we arrived, the nurse checked me and announced that I was dilated to a 1 and 70% effaced. I was SO HAPPY. Even though it was only a 1, at least it was something! She then proceeded to tell me that if it's not a three, they have to get permission from the Doctor to keep me there.

We were so anxious. I was praying that they would admit me. It was 11:00 pm, so they had to ask the doctor working the graves that night.

When he finally came in,
he said that because I hadn't been thinned at all at my last appointment,
he would admit me and start me on medicine to speed up the process.

I looked over at D and A. I couldn't help but feel excited for them. They were grinning. I couldn't believe that it was finally here!

The Doctor proceeded to tell D and A that it would be a while until I had the baby, and recommended that they go home and get a good nights rest, because it would probably be their last. They gave me a hug, wished me luck, and left.

That night was painful. The medicine they gave me was definitely making my contractions extremely painful. I couldn't sleep. My mom was there with me sleeping on the little bench by the window. I tried really hard to be quiet because I knew that she needed her sleep, but I was in pain. I cried a lot. I wanted the epidural, but every time the nurse would come in and check me, she would say that nothing had changed. I had to be dilated to a 3 in order to receive an epidural.

at around 7 am, they checked me again and told me that I was dilated to a 3 and that my doctor would be there in an hour. what?? no I wanted the epidural NOW.

They explained that before I received my epidural, my Dr. had to check me and approve.

It was the longest hour of my life.

Once he came he checked me, and confirmed that I could proceed with the epidural. Within minutes the anesthesiologist was in my room.

The second the pain was gone, I wanted to hug him.
I thanked him, and fell right to sleep.

I was in and out of consciousness the whole day. I was so tired, but D and A were there, and so was my family. I didn't want to just sleep. At 2 pm, the nurse came in and checked me. She told me that I was dilated to a 9!

yay!
I was so excited!
The nurse got my doctor and for the next few hours they worked on turning her around. They thought they had gotten her turned, and by about 5:00, the doctor came in and she had flipped back around completely. Finally he just turned her really quickly, and then left to go help perform a c-section.

About a minute later, he came running back into my room and said "Her heart rate is dropping, it's baby time."

I wanted D and A there to see their daughter born. They stood up by my head and watched as Avery was born. It was the most spiritual experience I have ever had in my life.

It all happened so fast.

I remember looking over at D and A as they walked in. Within minutes Dr. Terry held up a beautiful baby girl, and she started crying.

Avery Leigh.
born at 5:17 pm, on October 28th 2008.

I sat in awe and stared at her. She had ten fingers. Ten toes. She had 2 arms and 2 legs. What a miracle she was.

They then laid Avery on my chest. I held on to her. I couldn't stop crying, or staring at her. D and A cut the chord and the nurse wrapped her in a blanket. I immediately pulled her to my chest. I couldn't stop staring at her. Her beautiful eyes.
I didn't ever want let her go.

I looked up for the first time since she was born. D nd A were standing there with tear stained faces just staring at her. I looked at my mom. She was crying.
I asked A(adoptive Mom to be) If she wanted to hold her. "no, you can hold her." she said. I could tell she was just aching to hold her daughter. I looked down at my beautiful Angel again, and then gave her to A(Adoptive Mom) "You can hold her."
Watching A (Adoptive MOm) gently take her from my arms and hold her for the first time was amazing. I will forever remember that moment. She was so in love with this little Angel. This was her daughter.

A(adoptive Mom) and Avery both just stared at each other the whole time. The spirit was so strong. We all just sat and watched this tender moment.

The next person to hold her was D. If anyone has ever seen a new father hold his little girl for the very first time, you can comprehend maybe a little as to how touching this was. What an amazing father D was. They stared into each others eyes forever. Avery knew this was her dad.

They placed her back in my arms after this, and I just stared at her again. She was beautiful.
The next day, exactly 24 hours after Avery was born, I signed relinquishment papers. Normally you do this when you are placing her, but because of issues with the birth father, I didn't want to risk anything. I signed them as soon as possible.

This was the hard part. Listening to every word they would read, and signing all of those papers killed me. I held Avery in my arms while I did this. I never wanted to let her go. They read every word out loud. They said things like,
"After signing these papers you will no longer have any rights to this child."

and
"Signing these papers indicate that you will no longer be her mother."
and
"This takes every right you have to this baby away"
and
"All your rights will be terminated. Relinquished."

It was like they were looking for every word they could possibly think of that would rip my heart out. It killed me. At the very end, they asked me to explain why I was doing this. are you serious? I thought. "Is that really necessary?" my dad asked. They explained that it was because I had to show that I was not being coerced into doing this.

I was crying, bawling. I could hardly talk and they wanted me to explain to them why I was doing this!? All I could say was, "Because I love her. and I want her to have a mom and a dad that love each other." I hugged her tighter.

Once that was over I took a deep breath. Considering the situation, I could not believe how calm I felt. I knew what i was doing, but it was okay. I knew without a doubt that this was the right thing. I didn't have any second thoughts. Not at all. I couldn't believe it.
The next day I had all to myself. I asked that I have no visitors. I wanted to spend time with her. Just me and Avery. I wanted to hold her and be her mom for one day. I can honestly tell you that I hardly slept the entire time I was at the hospital. I probably had about 3 hours of sleep all together. I didn't WANT to sleep.

I wanted to look at her.

Play with her.

Sing to her.

Hug her.

Hold her.

Feed her.

I didn't have time to sleep. I could hardly tell that I was even tired.
On October 30th, 2008 at 5:00 pm, D &A Arrived to pick up their baby girl.

I felt at peace with all of it. I was so calm. There were tears throughout my entire hospital stay, yes. But when it came the time for me to give her to them, I was okay. I was at peace. The Spirit was Strong. I felt Angels surrounding all of us.

Watching her mom and dad hold her the day we left was even more comforting.
They loved her so much. I Knew she was in the best hands, and would be loved unconditionally, just like I had hoped for.

About an hour after they arrived, I gave Avery another big kiss and huge hug, and placed her in A's arms.

A put her in her car seat. I stood up gave both her a D a huge long hug, and sat in the wheelchair outside my door.

On the car ride home, I cried. I cried for days. But I never second guessed my decision. From the moment I met D &A I knew she was theirs. From the moment she was born, I knew she was theirs. I love Avery more than I thought I could ever love someone. She is my little Angel. She has truly changed my life for the better.

These things that have happened to me are pieces of me. They have made me who I am today.

I am truly blessed to have met such amazing people. I am so happy to have found the perfect couple for Avery. I am so happy that through adoption, I have a relationship that will last forever

D and A are not just friends. They are like family.

I am so grateful to them for being so willing to have an open adoption with me.
It's so wonderful to always know how Avery is doing. It's so great that I can watch her grow up. She is truly my Angel sent from heaven, and the most loved and spoiled little girl I know.

I want to hear from YOU!

2010-10-04T07:50:00.000-07:00

Do you know anyone who wants to share their story? Please have them contact me :)
I would love to do a birth mom and adoptive parent story combined. Would you be willing to team up and do that? Share both your thoughts to the same questions? I think it would be really interesting to read.
Please email me at crazy7bunch@cableone.net if you would like to share your story or know someone who would :)
Thank you!

Some Blogs I love to check...

2010-09-27T08:10:00.001-07:00

I love to read blogs, here are some of my favorites... check them out :)

http://meghanloveskayden.blogspot.com/ A Mother’s Love

http://anickelsworthofcommonsense.blogspot.com/ A Nickel's Worth of Common Sense

http://mamamem.blogspot.com/ Adoption and Foster Care my Personal Experience

http://becauseadoptionmatters.blogspot.com/ Adoption… Changing lives from beginning to end

http://birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com/ Birth Mothers 4 Adoption

http://mamavalerius.blogspot.com/ From Another Mother

http://ldsadoptioncouples.blogspot.com/ LDS Adoption Connection

http://diaryofabirthmom.blogspot.com/ My Adoption Journey

http://shanaemykael.blogspot.com/ My Adoption Journey (A different one)

http://etropic.blogspot.com/ Neither here, nor there

http://notjustabirthmom.blogspot.com/ Not Just A Birth Mom

http://sisterhoodofthematernitypants.blogspot.com/ Sisterhood of the Maternity Pants

http://stefaniejinelle.blogspot.com/ Stefanie Jinelle’s Journey

http://birthmom-buds.blogspot.com/ Birth Mom Buds

Get out your tissues...a beautiful Birth Mom kept, then placed...

2010-09-23T05:57:00.000-07:00

This is Jill's story... Here is her blog
http://www.thehappiestsad.com

I never, ever wanted to be a birth mother.

I always thought that a birth mother was a woman who had a baby she wasn’t ready to parent, and I think I was born ready. People would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and while I had an answer for them (which changed with my age), I always thought, what a stupid question. I am going to be a mommy when I grow up.

Adoption itself I was familiar enough with. My mother was adopted at birth and although her family’s a little crazy, she had a perfectly happy growing up, and she always knew without a doubt that she was loved. I thought of my mom’s birth mother only to wonder if it was she who was responsible for my height, or my nose, or my bosom, and to wonder if she was any less crazy than my maternal grandmother. But I was grateful for her. Because of her, my mom has an eternal family, and she grew up with a strong testimony and everything a birth mom could want for her child.

As for me, I never felt that I had it in me to be that selfless, that noble. When I love, I love deeply and with my whole soul. I didn’t think that I could ever give up a child I grew and carried and birthed. Of course, I never thought it would be an issue for me. At the age of 24, I’d never been on a date. When church leaders spoke of chastity, all I could think was how nice it would be to be in a position to worry about keeping the law of chastity! I’d all but given up.

Then I met H. We met in March, on MySpace. How embarrassing is that? But I didn’t mind. H was clever and charming and funny and he told me I was beautiful. I decided I was in love with him. I knew what I had been taught, but I think I always believed that H was my one and only chance at any kind of relationship, and I let things go too far for fear of losing him.

Things inevitably ended. H dumped me at the end of July, and I was completely devastated. He said he still wanted to be friends. I cried for weeks. I was inconsolable. Then came the news that my father’s brain cancer had returned, and he would have, at most, six months. I was fired from my job two weeks later. Insult, meet injury. Despite his promise, H kept his distance, and I tried to persuade myself that it was for the best. I spent time with my father and I am so glad I did. Six months became two weeks, and my dad died on September 9th.

I heard from H off and on. He seemed to be considering a relationship again, or at least that’s how it seemed to me. I was grieving the loss of my father and I sought comfort where I could. I mistook H’s sympathy for affection. I found out I was pregnant two days after I turned 25.

I was horrified and ashamed and frightened. It seemed too much to deal with. I didn’t pray, but I shouted and railed at God. “I get it, okay? I screwed up. Fine. Message received. Now make this go away.” At first I only told my mother and my bishop. But a few weeks later I tired of bearing my burden alone. I told H.

I had hoped that the news might scare H into growing up, growing a spine, growing a brain. He’d been immature and unreliable, and I knew that had to change if he was going to be in my life now.

He didn’t change. I saw him last in November of 2008.

I considered adoption. I browsed profiles on the LDSFS website. I found three couples I like. I met with two of them and decided a third choice would be too much for me. I liked both couples immensely and felt that they would be wonderful parents. I wished I could give each of them a baby – a baby, but not my baby. I knew it, I thought to myself. I just can’t do this. I’m too selfish.

I decided to plan on single parenting. I bought a crib, a car seat, diapers, Onesies. Adoption was ever present in the back of my mind, but I pushed it away. I wanted my baby. I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life. I spent hours every day staring at my ultrasound pictures, rubbing my belly and talking to my baby, impatient for the moment when I would finally meet my baby and hold her in my arms and be her mommy.

The moment came later than I’d planned, after 36 hours of labor followed by an emergency c-section. She was the most perfect, amazing little person I had ever seen. Weeks before the birth, I’d told myself that if adoption was the right call, I’d know when the baby was born. What a stupid thing to think! As soon as I saw her, some deep, primal part of me said she was mine, and that was that. The decision was made.

Being a single mother was hard work, exhausting and unforgiving. I loved it, though. And I loved my baby girl. She was my entire world. I thought she was absolutely perfect, probably the most perfect baby to ever be born. She was calm and happy, rarely fussing, and she slept and ate well.

But I couldn’t get adoption out of my head. It had taken root in my brain months before and wouldn’t loosen its grip. If I had a free minute or two, I was on-line, looking at adoption websites and profiles and blogs. I cried as I browsed. What a horrible mother I was! I had the most beautiful, most perfect baby in the world, and I was trying to find a couple to pawn her off to. What was wrong with me? And yet I couldn’t stop. I spent hours on-line, scratching my adoption itch.

I loved my baby more deeply and completely than I’d ever loved anyone in my life. But I had moments when I was holding her or feeding her or bathing her and I felt that I was living someone else’s life. That I was raising someone else’s baby. I hated those thoughts, and when they came I held my baby a little tighter, worried about my sanity and my fitness as a mother.

H made another appearance in mid-August via late-night e-mail. He’d sort of internet-stalked me and found out I’d kept the baby. He wanted his rights and threatened all sorts of nasty legal action. He implied that he would seek full custody.

I panicked.

I called my caseworker at LDSFS and arranged to meet with her on Monday. I had notions in my head of having his rights legally terminated, of restraining orders and court orders and a police-enforced safety net. H had shown his true colors during my pregnancy, and I knew that I didn’t want him in my baby’s life. I was terrified of what influence he would have on her, what he would teach her and expose her to, and I was convinced that if he had custody he would corrupt her, confuse her, and turn her against God.

I wasn’t going to let that happen. She was innocent and sweet and pure, fresh from Heaven. I was determined to keep her safe. Once again I looked at couple profiles on-line. I liked several but none really stood out. One couple sort of did – their profile was well-written, sans spelling or grammatical errors, and their picture was charming – they’d adopted a beautiful little girl 18 months ago. But they didn’t meet the criteria I had in my head. I wanted baseball fans and they watched ASU football. I wanted people with educational experiences like mine, and they were both overeducated. He reminded me a bit of my oldest brother, but in my mind, they simply wouldn’t do. So I moved on.

Or at least, I tried to. God had other plans. The names of that couple came to me over and over again. Every time I saw a list of couples hoping to adopt, there they were. I swore their names were boldfaced on one list I saw, but closer inspection showed their names in the same type as the other 30 or so couples listed. And there they were on another page. On another blog. On another list. And another, and another. I shut my computer off, thinking that I needed a break, as I was clearly losing my mind.

I prayed, not for the first time, to know what to do. I hated the answer. I was not placing my baby for adoption. “Well, Heavenly Father,” I said, “That’s nice. But you gave me agency. So … yeah. I’m keeping her.”

My baby woke from a nap and I fixed her a bottle. As I fed her, as I burped her, as I changed her diaper and rocked her to sleep, the names of that couple came to me over and over again, steady and strong as my beating heart.

This went on for two days. When I met with my caseworker on the third day, I begged her to help me sever H’s rights. She explained that would be a difficult thing to do. She asked me if I’d considered adoption. It was then, I think, that my heart accepted what my spirit had known all along. My baby wasn’t supposed to be mine.

She was seven weeks old. I was her mommy. How was I going to do this? My caseworker promised she’d help me find a couple willing to be very, very open. She mentioned the names of a few couples, but as she spoke, I made a connection that I should have been smart enough to make days ago.

“I know exactly where she belongs,” I said, looking down at my sweet baby napping in her car seat. I told my caseworker the name of the couple that had been haunting me for days. A phone call was made, and I arranged to meet the couple on Thursday.

I was more nervous about meeting them than I had ever been in my life. But I knew as soon as I entered the room that they were my baby’s parents. My baby knew it, too. I handed her first to her daddy. My little girl had a very expressive face, and while I could get smiles out of her, she most often looked puzzled or thoughtful. Not now. This newborn baby, this tiny girl, looked right into her daddy’s eyes, and she gave him the biggest smile I’d ever seen. She was enchanted. It was as if she’d said, “Oh, Daddy! There you are! I’m so happy to meet you at last!” I took a picture of my little girl with her new mommy and daddy. I had the most amazing peace. For the first time in over a year, everything in the world felt right.

When you are a mother, you have this innate awareness of your baby. Your baby is … well, yours. She belongs in your arms. I let friends and relatives hold my baby, of course, but when I did so my arms felt empty. I was on the alert, making sure the baby was comfortable and happy, her head supported, her limbs arranged just so. I was attuned to her so completely, I could hear her squeak or grunt from across the room. I could never relax when anyone else was holding her.

When I handed my baby to her mom and dad, something very curious happened. My mommy radar went away. My arms didn’t feel empty. I was at peace. I relaxed for the first time she the baby had been born.

I decided to place her in two weeks, on September 9th – the first anniversary of my father’s death. I decided that, that way, I’d have one day a year to be miserable, and I could be happy the other 364 days. Those two weeks were the shortest of my life. I had to fit a lifetime of memories into fourteen days. I took more than a thousand pictures. I skipped naps and meals so I could hold my baby as she slept. I whispered things to her, that I loved her so very much, that her mommy and daddy loved her already, and that she was going to have the most amazing life. And then on the 9th, I signed a sheet of paper that said I wasn’t her mommy anymore, and I handed her over to the woman who was.

The drive home was surreal, short and brutal. I’d been a mommy for nine wonderful weeks, and now my baby was gone. I wanted nothing more than to die. I missed my baby so much that I thought the pain would rip me apart. I felt like I’d been poisoned and I was dying slowly, the very fabric of my being dissolving and disintegrating from the inside out.

The first two weeks were without a doubt the worst in my entire life. I don’t actually remember them very well. Then came the first visit with my baby and her family. And it was wonderful! It was amazing, and comforting, and happy. My baby didn’t feel like mine anymore. She was theirs, as she was always meant to be. I knew on a cellular level that this little girl was where she belonged, in the home that Heavenly Father intended for her.

I love that little girl more than I have words for. She stole my heart. I miss her every day. But I would place her again in a heartbeat. She has the most wonderful parents and big sister that a girl could ask for. She was sealed to them in the temple in December. She is healthy and smart. She is the happiest baby I have ever seen. She seems to have an innate knowledge of just how deeply she is loved, and it gives her this magical, peaceful quality I can’t quite name. I’ll say it again: She has amazing parents. They can give her everything in the world she could ever want or need. The only thing they couldn't give her was a body, and I am so thankful that my Father in Heaven trusted me with that awesome responsibility. Her parents love her, and they love me. Because of my decision, both of our lives are forever changed for the better, and I am forever grateful.

A Wonderful Open Adoption Story...

2010-09-16T16:44:00.001-07:00

An Adopted Linebacker With an Unlikely Story

2010-09-10T06:41:00.000-07:00

Found this at : http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703453804575479752667612216.html?mod=wsj_share_facebook

By ADITI KINKHABWALA
Bryan Kehl leans back, smiles and says his dad has always been a "storyteller."

He wraps exaggerated finger quotes around that last word to make it clear the stories his father tells aren't always rigorously fact-checked.

Six of Gary and Nancy Kehl's nine children were adopted, including Bryan. As a rule, there were never any distinctions made about whose genes came from where: Everyone was to be treated equally. But there was always one exception—and it always involved Bryan.

Emile Wamsteker for The Wall Street Journal

Giants linebacker Bryan Kehl, above after a preseason win against the Patriots, was adopted. He didn't find out until last year that his father was NFL journeyman running back Maurice Turner.
.In one of those yarns that his dad was so fond of telling, Bryan's biological father was an NFL running back. "I wasn't sure it was true," he says. "Like I said, my dad tells stories.''

The first time Bryan touched a football, however, out in the family's backyard in Salt Lake City, he decided to play running back. All through youth football and until he went to high school, he was a running back. Now, some 20 years after that first run, he thinks his fondness for carrying the ball was influenced by family lore. "I'm sure that had something to do with it. My brothers all played defense."

Mr. Kehl is a strapping 26-year-old linebacker entering his third season for the New York Giants. He's no longer a running back. He plays defense like the rest of the Kehls.

But when it comes to his path to the NFL, there's something basic that Bryan Kehl doesn't know—whether his athletic talent was something bred into him by his parents, his siblings and his Utah childhood, or whether it was coded into his DNA.

Emile Wamsteker for The Wall Street Journal

Kehl with his adoptive parents Gary and Nancy, and his wife Jessica.
.Unlike most people, whose sense of their origins grows deeper as the years go by, Bryan Kehl's has moved in the opposite direction. The mystery of who he is, and exactly how he got there, is still a deep one.

Nancy Kehl had three children when she decided she wanted a fourth—a half-white, half-black baby girl the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints' adoption program couldn't place.

Mrs. Kehl says she found out soon after the adoption why that might have been the case: Her neighbors told her that her children could no longer come over. Still, four years later, there were three more biracial Kehls: Bryan, Kortney and Ed. The first three arrived as infants while Ed came as a 12-year-old.

Kehl Family

Bryan Kehl with his biological father Maurice Turner.
.The Kehls were a rambunctious and athletic lot, but Bryan's supposedly special "background" still earned notice. There were times when Bryan would juke a defender or make a great run and the neighborhood kids would say: "Yeah, his birth dad's an NFL player."

The years passed. Bryan never searched any NFL rosters. He didn't go look at old college media guides, either. To him, it was just a story. And besides, he knew who his parents were.

Meanwhile, up in the St. Paul, Minn., suburb of Shoreview, Maurice Turner would catch a college football game, hear the surname "Turner" and stop for a second, wondering if that was his son, the child his long-ago girlfriend Amy had put up for adoption. His other two sons, with wife Keren, played football.

"I knew that the child's name wouldn't be Turner, but the thought runs through your mind," he said.

Keren hadn't dated Mr. Turner for two weeks before he told her that he had a son. That son's birth date was etched first in Mr. Turner's dog-eared Bible, above where his marriage to Keren and the birth dates of their other children, Maurice Jr. and Billy, eventually went. "Our boys never felt cheated," Mrs. Turner says. "It was just something we all always knew—that one day we would find him and our family would be complete."

The Turners searched for the baby over the years, even calling the LDS church. But Mr. Turner never knew where the child was born and he couldn't get comfortable with broaching the one tenuous connection he had: As college students at Utah State, he and Amy had set up one of his friends with one of hers and that couple had married.

Amy—now Amy Smith—was in Utah, too, and raising five kids with her husband, Brian.

She had once loved Mr. Turner. She had ignored that he was black and Catholic and that she was white and Mormon, even as her parents pulled her out of Utah State because they couldn't ignore it. She cajoled her way back to campus, where she and Mr. Turner reunited. Later, he graduated and she found out she was pregnant. She thought they would get married; he said it wouldn't work. She said she would put the baby up for adoption. He begged her not to, pleading that he would raise the child.

"I didn't like that idea, either. I felt the baby deserved a family, to have a mom and dad that were stable," Mrs. Smith says. Then, more quietly: "Twenty-five years later, I have found out how much that affected him. I really didn't think he cared that much."

Bryan Kehl certainly didn't care. Not at BYU, not on his LDS mission in Toronto and not even when he was drafted in 2008. Then a Giants physical found he had a sickle-cell trait, and head trainer Ronnie Barnes asked for a family medical history. "I had no idea," he remembers.

Turns out Mr. Barnes was adopted, too, and Mr. Kehl felt a seed of curiosity. That seed sprouted last fall, when on a random November night he decided to see if a 1983 draft list lived on the Internet.

There it was, in the 12th round to the Vikings, a running back from Utah State named Maurice Turner.

Mr. Turner, who had spent five years bouncing around the NFL, was listed at 5-foot-11 and 200 pounds. In high school, Mr. Kehl had found an old form in a filing cabinet listing his birth parents' races, ages and personal traits. The mother was smart and good-looking. The father was gregarious, 6-feet-tall and weighed 200 pounds. "Honestly, I still thought it was a coincidence," he says.

Still, he casually mentioned it to his mother at Thanksgiving. The next week, while in California, Mrs. Kehl told her girlfriends and suddenly these Utah housewives had a case to crack. One friend started Googling Mr. Turner, another found a number and Mrs. Kehl dialed it.

Is this Maurice Turner? Did you play football at Utah State? Did you give up a child for adoption 25 years ago?

"He said, 'I have waited 25-plus years for this phone call,' " Mrs. Kehl remembers. "He was so humble, so sweet. He was awesome. But why wouldn't he be? Bryan is, too."

She gave him her son's number—their son's number—and minutes later, on Dec. 3, Mr. Turner and Mr. Kehl started what would become a two-hour conversation. They talked about life, family and faith with voices that sounded eerily similar. Mr. Turner cried. Their wives emailed pictures as they talked and the two men knew: This was real. "He right away let me know that he felt he had a great life, that he had been loved, that he had been very well taken care of. There's a sense of relief that he had not been abused," Mr. Turner said. "At the same time, there's a sense of anger: Those same things, I could've given him."

As Bryan and Maurice talked, Mrs. Kehl put off telling her husband, calling various children first. Until she called Ed, who, ever-conscious of their dad's feelings, scolded her.

"I was blindsided," Gary Kehl says. But with a cheer his children say is characteristic, he adds, "That's my wife, full-steam ahead."

As fate had it, the Giants closed their season at the Vikings on Jan. 3. The Kehls flew out from Utah, the Turners met them in the team's Minneapolis hotel and Bryan's wife, Jessica, said hugging Mr. Turner "felt familiar."

Surreal, awe-inspiring, indescribable—the Kehls and Turners run through a litany of adjectives trying to explain that first meeting. "You don't want this person to have a negative impact on your son because you've worked so hard to raise him this way," Gary Kehl says. "That was solved as soon as we met him. I started telling him about Bryan, he got emotional and I knew then. I put my arm around him and I said, 'Hey, I understand.' "

The Giants wrapped up their ignominious season in Minnesota and a few days later, Bryan and Jessica flew to Utah. In mid-December, Mr. Kehl had reached Amy Smith through the wife of that old friend of Mr. Turner's, and now he wanted to meet her, too. "If it's sitting right there, you want to know," he says.

The easy familiarity took longer with Mrs. Smith. She'd never considered that the baby would find her, and she still harbored shame from the out-of-wedlock pregnancy all those years before. She prayed and she worried, and it took one stilted meeting, one better lunch and six weeks before she told her kids.

She invited Bryan and Jessica to her home, she called her parents and six siblings and the ice officially broke when her 11-year-old son, Max, not realizing Mr. Kehl is biracial, said, "Wow, he's been in the sun."

One of her sisters bawled when she saw him, her father kissed him and Amy's brother John, a monstrous BYU fan, insisted he'd always felt some sort of inexplicable affinity for Mr. Kehl. "Everything about this story is crazy," Mr. Kehl says.

Crazy and inspiring and wrenching, too, Mrs. Smith says.

"Maurice had been praying for this for 25 years. I hadn't," she says. She uses the words "grateful" and "blessed" to describe meeting Mr. Kehl, and she expresses happiness that he is in her life. But she also says she felt more in control before, and this "is a little tricky."

There's no guidebook on how any of this works. Mrs. Smith doesn't know how often to call. Mr. Turner can't call enough. Mr. Turner always said he had three sons. Mrs. Smith is bothered when someone refers to Mr. Kehl as her son. "That's for who raises you," she says.

So what about the old "story" Gary Kehl used to tell his son that his birth father was an NFL running back?

Mr. Kehl says he remembers someone at the adoption agency telling him that, although he can't remember the details and never saw any paperwork. His wife, Nancy, still suspects that her husband made the whole story up.

Either way for Bryan Kehl, whether the story is true or not and whether he owes his talent to nature or nurture, it's all the same. "I went to two parents who love me and were the best parents that a kid could ever have and I was born to two parents who are awesome parents," he says. "I know I'm lucky. This could be a very different story."

A Grandmothers LOVE for Adoption

2010-09-08T19:01:00.000-07:00