A Unique Adoption Story... a must read!

This is my friend Carol, she was 24 years old when she placed her little girl with a loving family. Carol's story is unique, for she is a mother of two other little children and she has placed one child. She didn't want an open adoption at first, but the couple she chose insisted on an open adoption. However her adoption has not been as open as she had understood it would be. This is her story... One night, in late January 2007, my boyfriend (we will call him Bob, the father of my child that I placed) beat me truly bad and broke a lot of my possessions (he was an alcoholic). I cried and cried asking God what to do. I finally got the courage to call the police, but it had to be hidden. I waited for him to go in the garage to smoke. When he finally did, I ran to the phone and quickly dialed 911. I let it ring enough for the dispatch to locate where the call was coming from. (My house). I ran to my room and laid down, nervously shaking trying to calm down to not raise suspicion in him when he returned. He came into my room and started to finally pass out after having a case of beer and vodka to himself. Ten to twenty minutes later, I heard a knock at the door. I thought “Thank God” but I pulled a surprise look on my face so he wouldn’t think I called the cops. He asked “who the heck is that? It’s 3am!” I lied and told him I him I had no clue. I got up to answer the door. The cops were here. I have never been so happy to see policemen in my life. I stepped outside and closed the door to speak with them. I told them what happened. They went inside, grabbed and threw him down and put him in handcuffs. Bob looked at me with surprise and confusion. They took him away and I felt relief. The next few weeks I felt confusion and abandonment. I had a no contact order against him. It was best to have it. About a month after he got out of jail, (March) he called me, telling me he would never do this again and we should patch things up. I, being naïve, thought maybe he is getting help and doing better. I started seeing him against the courts. After a few weeks, the abuse started again and by May 10th I got pregnant by him. I found out late June. I was excited, yet nervous. I was excited about having a baby. I love babies and wanted another one, but not in the situation I was in. I started to realize, no way could I be with Bob the way he is with a baby in tow. I was fearful of him doing more harm and that we would be just another broken dysfunctional family. The best I could do is stay away from him and raise this baby on my own along with my two other children. If I was able to do it for 4 years with two kids, I could do it with another child. My two children were already excited to have a new baby sister or brother. The kids and I planned many things for the new baby; what we would name him or her, what he or she would look like. They both wanted a baby brother or sister for a long time and were happy to have one soon. By late July/August, I cut off contact with Bob. This made him extremely upset. I hid my pregnancy from practically everyone but; my mom, Bob, and a close friend. I was ashamed and alone. Bob started to harass my friends and then me. I called the police a few times and they put him in jail for violation of the no-contact order. By October 31st he called again and harassed me and threatened me extremely. I told him to never call me again. I hung up and called the police yet again. I could not handle this anymore. My children needed me, and no man was to ever hurt us again. The police picked him up and I have never heard from him again. A month later I met a man named Josh. We started off just talking and getting to know each other. He was surprisingly well with the idea of me pregnant with another man’s baby. I thought he was crazy for liking me, though I was pregnant. He is a man of Christ and I needed this. We got to know each other and laid everything out on the table. We were being completely honest with each other. This is a new thing for me, but I was ready for anything the Lord had in store for me. After a few weeks of getting to know each other, I decided to introduce him to my kids. My kids fell in love with him the minute they met him and so did I. God had answered my prayers. A few weeks later my son came up to me and said, “I am glad you chose Josh. I really, really like him. He is good to you and good to us!” I started to cry. This made me so happy. I finally have someone amazingly wonderful in my life and my kids love him. I have never been so happy in my life. I was ready for change. We started going to church together and reading the bible together, along with also praying together and still do. This is what I have been needing my whole life. It took some obstacles to get through in order for me to really appreciate something so beautiful like our relationship with each other and with the Lord. How did you decide to place your child and find peace about your decision? By the end of December 2008, I was at the morning services at church and adoption came to my thoughts. This was the Lord coming through to me. "Adoption?" I said in my thoughts, "WHAT? WHY? That would be way too hard!" I started crying and then I prayed for comfort. I thought about adoption all day long. Over and over it went through my head. It was such a strong feeling, I couldn't ignore it. I spoke with Josh about it and he said he would support me with either decision I made. The next day I went to an adoption agency called the C.A.S.I. Foundation. The lady there was wonderful to me. I felt so much better about the decision more and more. She gave me a group of profiles to take home and look through. I started to think about what I wanted for this baby girl inside me. This baby needed both parents in her life. I also wanted her to have a big family. I had the profiles for two weeks. I went through them over and over, yet nothing seems to click with me. They are all wonderful potential parents, but not for me. I started to get overwhelmed, but knew that this was the only decision I was going to make for this baby. I told a friend of mine I was going to place this baby for adoption and she said that she is on my side. She will support either decision I make. I felt good knowing I had support in this. Later on that week she emailed me, telling me that her brother and his wife are looking to adopt. They have a little boy that is 5 and they now can’t have any more kid’s cause of fertility problems. She told me no pressure but to think about it. She then came over the next week with their profile. I took a look through it. I started to like what I was reading. A few thoughts came across; if I choose them, that means there would be a possibility I may run into them later on, cause of them being related to my friend, or, would it be too hard knowing they have my child and knowing I am friends with her (baby) aunt. I prayed so hard for the Lord to give me all the answers. Yet I couldn’t find any. I got a new batch of profiles from C.A.S.I and went through them. One couple I took interest in, but was not 100% sure. I thought about calling them but held back. There, lying amongst the other profiles was my friends brother and wife’s’ profile gleaming at me. I picked it up once more, staring at it for an hour, going through my pros and cons of this family. I still wasn’t sure. This decision was the hardest of them all I remember I was downtown driving during the day for some reason in mid January. I called up my friend and told her, “So, do you think (Jack and Jill) want to be parents again?” (Jack and Jill is not their real names) My friend started to cry, “Are you serious? Really? This is such great news!” I felt so much peace. This is it, this is my answer. I was told to call LDS services and set up an appointment with the family’s caseworker. I did. A week before I had my baby. Exactly a week later, February 6th, 2009, I got ready and left to the hospital that morning to have the cesarean. Then this baby girl was out and placed on the table about 8 feet from me at 1:20pm. She came out a healthy 8lbs and 1 oz and 20 inches long. My eyes began to flood when I saw and heard her cry. The doctor picked her up, wrapped her in a hospital blanket and placed her next to my face. “She is so beautiful,” I gasped. Her beautiful red hair and gleaming blue eyes..
What were your first thoughts and feelings about open adoption?

What did the couple you chose, tell you about open adoption?
The next three weeks were painful. I cried myself to sleep every night. I missed the feeling of her kicking in my belly. I missed the smell of her new baby smell from when she was born. I missed the feeling of holding her in my arms, while she slept so peacefully. I felt empty. I felt like she was to be here in my bed, in my arms, eating and then falling asleep. Then waking up 4 times in the night, longing for my warmth and attention. None of this was with me. She is with her family and now it is time to adjust. Amazingly, my children did well with knowing that they were not having their baby sister home with us. I explained to them that God have me this baby to give to this family. This is what the Lord wants. Someday, we will have our own little one. But now she is with her chosen family. They grew to understand and love the Lord so much that he can give miracles to people in small packages. I love my two children and wouldn’t trade them for anything else. I am so blessed that the Lord has trusted me to take care of his two little angels that I call Noel and Adrianna. I am so blessed to have my, now fiancé Josh, in our lives. I am so blessed that the Lord has chosen me to go on this journey and have me as a carrier of a miracle for another family. I could not do this without the Lord.
When did your adoption start to feel closed?
The journey has its ups and downs. I have my fair share of ups and downs with it. The family that I chose for this little girl, named her Carlie Jean. I like the name very much so. It has a little bit of remembrance with my name, Carol. She is a year old now and growing so fast. It is hard for me to believe it has already been 1 year. I have had little contact with this precious angel. I saw her once in December, 10 months after her birth. I made a blanket for her for Christmas. As much as I want visits with her, unfortunately I don’t get those as much as I want. I understand that she is with her family and I am not her family anymore.

It leaves me in confusion that I went through all this and it was quite hard for me to make the decision, too little contact. I am blessed that I do get emails time from time and pictures. But the first year is hard, very hard. I know that she is in the best place I could give her. I thank the Lord for giving me this opportunity to give her a better life. I pray for her often. I know that when the time comes, we will meet again.
What do you want hopeful adoptive couples to know?


UPDATE*** Carol has married a wonderful man, and had another beautiful baby girl. ****

Happy Thanksgiving!

I just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I am so thankful to all of you who have shared your stories with us on my blog :) I can't thank you enough! I know each story that is on my blog, touchs so many people!
I am thankful for open adoption and the ability of combining people, even strangers and making them Family!
I wish you all a Very Happy Thanksgiving.
To all my Birth Mom friends, I LOVE YOU! and to all the hopeful adoptive friends I love you too! :)
I am truly blessed because of you all!

Our Precious Olivia

Hello!,
My name is Kelsey I am newly married to my husband Cameron we have been married for over six months and dated for two years on our wedding day.

I met Cameron at Auto Zone because my friend’s car broke down and he was the one helping us at the store I knew it was love at first sight! He was so nervous around me and knocking stuff off the shelf all over the place he asked for my number and from then we dated and the rest is history. We met in June and that November I started acutane( a drug for severe acne and if you become pregnant can be deadly to your unborn child). The dermatologist I had put me on antibiotics to get me ready for the acutane right little did in know or was told that antibiotics weaken your birth control and before you go onto acutane they make you take a blood drawn pregnancy test which came out negative, a month later I was not having my period and thought it would be best to take a pregnancy test just to make sure. That’s when me and my boyfriend Cameron (now husband) found out I was pregnant we were so scared but still told my mom, who took me into my dermatologist to talk about what to do now that I was pregnant. He told me right off the bat that there was a 98% chance that she would have serious retardation or mutation or die before I gave birth to her and that my only choice was abortion. This really upset me because I am so against abortion, so my mom and I went into the abortion clinic to talk to them about abortion and my options. We ended up bawling coming out of the clinic and knew we had to get more opinions. That’s when we went to my family doctor who then told us that the chance of her having problems was much lower around 20% and that we should get an ultrasound to see if she was developing

OK. When me, my husband and parents saw her on the monitor with her little legs kicking and heart beating we knew abortion was not an option. That is when my mom took me and Cameron to LDS Family Services where I met Lani my social worker and one of the most kind and generous people I will ever know. She did not pressure me into making any decisions I did not want to. That is when Cameron and I choose adoption for our daughter. How we found our adoptive parents was really crazy. Me and my husband went through profiles and kept coming back to this couple that just looked so cute but we didn't want to make any decisions on them and they were definitely our favorite. Later that week my mom (who works for the foster care foundation as the area representative) met with a couple that she seemed to recognized that wanted to become possible foster parents she then found out that they were the ones that me and Cameron had decided we liked the best, but she could not say anything because the fact that we had not made up our minds yet. That night my mom called me all exited and told me what happened that is when we knew we needed to stop looking because heavenly father guided us to the most amazing couple we could have ever dreamed of Brady and Deborah.

We met once before we went out to dinner at good wood and had our caseworker Lani come in with a basket of baby girl stuff that my mom and I had gone out to get for her and told them that we choose them to adopt our child it was so amazing seeing them so shocked and so happy it was an amazing moment. For the remaining months of my pregnancy we always invited them to ultrasounds to see how she was looking and for possible signs of brain problems she may have. We became best friends and I feel like Deborah is like a sister and Brady is the cool brother I never had and is a great influence on Cameron. Last June 12th Cameron purposed to me while I was 7 months pregnant it was such an amazing moment. I remember going to meet with different doctors to talk about how my daughter looked and them telling me how horrible I was for even having intercourse while on acutane and how it just made me so mad at myself as well as them for not getting the whole story.

I was due on September 3 but went into labor on the 18th of august when my water broke I can remember crying so hard because I felt that I gotten my precious time taken away from me because after she was born she would be with another family and not with me 24/7 like she had for the past 8 and 1/2 months. My labor lasted 12 hours from 10 pm to 10 am and what was funny was when I was born on august 13th my mom was watching the price is right at 10 am right before I started pushing I was watching the price is right as well. Even though that has nothing to do with what I’m talking about. While I was in labor I had the adoptive parents in the room as well as my mom and Cameron. I was really scared because the doctors told me she was going to have many problems as well as the doctors and nurses they told me as soon as she was born they would be taking her to get evaluated and have an MRI to check her brain for brain damage. It ended up that she was a beautiful 6 lb. 8 oz. 27 in. baby girl named Olivia Kelsey (chosen by the adoptive parents) who had no problems but they wanted to keep her in the NICU to watch her just in case
.


It was amazing to see Brady and Deborah
hold her and feed her they were so exited but scared to be parents. I remember not sleeping the whole time I was at the hospital because I did not want to miss any alone time I could get with Olivia.

My favorite time though was at night when everyone was asleep and I laid in bed holding her shocked at just how beautiful she was.

I believe on the 23rd we were ready to be released and that was the time that we needed to sign the parental relinquishment papers. This was the hardest part of the whole adoption the way those papers were worded made me feel like I was a horrible mother and that I could not provide for my child so I was giving her up for adoption. We had Olivia in the room with us and we were bawling we knew this was the end of being her parents and now being her birth parents. Brady and Deborah’s families were so kind and told us how much they loved us for being so selfless to give them a baby and how grateful they were. When we got home it really hit us like a ton of bricks she was gone and was no longer our baby who we cared for nine months. We laid in bed and just cried did not talk just cried, then we fell asleep for a whole 24 hours. The first month I did not even come out of my house I was so devisted besides going to see how she was which was about every two weeks sometimes more. It was nothing Brady and Deborah did they were amazing and were always making sure we were happy and taken care of. I was so numbed and blamed myself when I found out that Olivia was having eye problems because of the acutane. One of her eyes is lazy and she can’t focus or see very well. Another thing they noticed was the shape of her head which was not due to the acutane but due to the fact that she would lie in one spot in my belly became flat in some spots and made her head odd shaped. One thing that helped me so much were the post placement groups and therapy. It took a whole year to feel somewhat normal again but still to this day I am getting over the whole situation. But continue to grow.



This June me and Cameron got married and Brady was Cameron’s Groomsmen and Deborah was my Matron of Honor and of course Olivia was my flower girl it was truly the best day of my life
.
Because of the adoption I choose to go into working as a social worker in adoption to help girls like me through these tough but amazing situations, and Cameron know owns his own rock chip company and is doing very well. We still see Brady, Deborah, and Olivia every month or so and we talk often, she is now 15 months old still having some developmental problems but her eye is better and she is rolling and starting to try and crawl. Without adoption Olivia would not have the early intervention therapist come in and help her with her development, she would not be sealed in the temple, she would not have parents who could provide all her needs. This adoption I would not change for a thing it has brought me closer to heavenly father, my husband, and provided me with a whole new side of our family, of course a beautiful little girl who I cannot live without, and I would not be in college. Adoption is truly about love!

We've been given an award :)

Check this great blog out! :) http://notjustabirthmom.blogspot.com/
she gave my blog an award. I feel very honored and it really helped me smile!
Thank you!
Another amazing Birth Mom out there and her blog is worth the read :)

Just to let you know...

there has been a death in my family and so I am very busy right now with that, please forgive me for not updating this blog, please just look thru the old ones :) So many great stories. Thank you all :)

Questions and Answers from A Birth Mom and A Adoptive Mom

1. What brought you to adoption?
( Birth Mom)
Well. I was single and pregnant. My mom asked me if I wanted to go to LDS Family Services to talk to a counselor and so I did. And I wasn't so sure on adoption for about the first 4 months of my pregnancy. It was mentioned here and there but it always made mad or sad. I was very closed minded at first. But my heart began to soften as soon as I found out that Valery and Dustinn were looking to adopt.
(Adoptive Mom)

Like many other couples, infertility brought us to adoption.
We had been blessed with one biological son but hoped for more children. Starting the adoption process felt natural and right.

Back in 2004, I was a senior at BYU. I was walking home from class one day and saw a toddler, wearing just a diaper, running back and forth across the street. I carried him to the side of the road and hung out with him until I met his mother. His mother, "N" was in dire straits. "N" and I became friends but even more so, her son "Angel" and I became friends. I'd regularly pick him up to go to the park or McDonald's. Sometimes when I returned with Angel I couldn't find "N" and Angel would stay with me (and my college roommates, haha) overnight.


Dustinn came into the picture and together we continued to visit Angel as "N" hopped from place to place in the Salt Lake valley, and as Angel was in and out of foster care.

In 2008 "N" and Angel moved again, except this time no one knew where they went. I haven't seen or heard from "N" or Angel since. But I miss him. I still keep my eyes peeled for him when we're in Utah. I can't help but think about how old he's turning every December 16th. I wonder what he's like and how he is doing in school. I wonder if anyone is helping him with his homework and reminding him that he is good and smart and important.
Dustinn and I pray that he's okay because we know often he was not.
The moral of this story is twofold:
1. I knew long ago that a child did not have to be biologically mine to love him/her with all my heart.
2. I know what it's like to wonder how a child is doing. We wouldn't ever want Stefanie to feel like that. While we're aware that open adoption isn't for everyone, it was important to us that Stefanie had that option.

2.What do you want out of the adoption relationship with each other.
(Birth Mom) I wanted a really close friendship like BFF's. Someone I can call and talk to even if I was having a bad day and needed a friend. I think our friendship has blossomed more and I think of Val as like my soul sister. :)
(Adoptive Mom) Stef appreciates updates, pictures, visits and generally to have a continuing relationship with Olivia.
We don't have any expectations of things we'd like Stefanie to do for us/Olivia. However, she has done many wonderful and thoughtful things for us. She loves us and Bradshaw. She remembers and cares about important things in our life. She makes us feel special by spending time with us.
Generally, everyone in the adoption triad wants respect, understanding, patience and forgiveness (Dustinn and I are most definitely fallible!)
We are hopeful that an open adoption will help comfort and reassure Stefanie of her choice. We are hopeful that an open adoption will give Olivia answers, confidence and peace.

3.What do you both want for the child that was placed for adoption?
(Birth Mom) I want her to be happy and to know that she's always loved from all different sorts of families. Your blood doesn't define your family. It's those that are closest to you. I want her to WANT to know where she comes from and that it's an awesome thing that she's adopted
(Adoptive Mom)
(Incidentally, prior to Olivia's birth we were on a long car ride with Stefanie and we all took turns making wishes for Olivia.)
Olivia's just a toddler now. We want her world to be warm, welcoming, friendly. We want Olivia to feel safe.
As she grows, we want her to be able to discover her talents and interests and to find joy and fulfillment in using them to help others.
We want her to know that she is a beloved daughter of God. That she is of divine worth.
We want her to know that God was aware of her birth and life. That He will hear and answer her prayers.
We want her to have the confidence that comes from knowing who she is and knowing what life is about.
We want her to know that she is dearly loved by her parents, siblings, birth mom, birth dad, and all of her extended family (birth family definitely included.)
We want her to know being adopted makes her special.

4.How is your relation ship with each other?
(Birth Mom) With Val (the adoptive mom) We're like sisters. With Olivia (birthdaughter) she's only 13 months old. But I know she'll always grow up knowing who I am and that we'll be super close. Not so much a mother/daughter relationship but maybe like an aunt/niece relationship. Sounds weird. I hated that idea at first. But it makes sense.
(Adoptive Mom) Good! Right, Stef?
We communicate primarily via email. Which works really well for me. (While I am not a shy person. I tend to shy away from the phone.)

Stefanie lives in Utah, where a lot of my extended family also lives so we've visited Utah several times in the past year and have typically been able to see Stefanie and her family multiple times each visit. So we've had the chance to meet and get to know her boyfriend/fiance/now husband, to play games (hurrah for Kingsburg!) and catch up in person.

5. What would be advice you would give to other women considering adoption?
(Birth Mom) It's hard and take the time to know you're doing what's best for YOU and for YOUR BABY. You will be affected by it but your baby will be affected more by your choices. I would advise you to do a pro/cons list. Get counseling. Go to groups, if there are any available in your community. Write in your journal. Pray often. Do what it is that will help you.

6. What would be your advice to other hopeful adoptive couples?
(Birth Mom) After having gone through the adoption process and meeting so many wonderful couples. I know that you all have that precious spirit waiting to be born with you. And they're as excited as you are. I know times will be tough and it'll get discouraging but don't lose faith.
My other advice (it's going to be kind of harsh and to the point): Do NOT lead your birthmom on. Do NOT promise her something that you can't follow through with. Do NOT promise her an open adoption with all intentions to close it up after. We canNOT have PEACE without all the PIECES. A birthmom will find you that will fit into your family if that's what you like. Be true to yourself. We made all the promises and followed through with the adoption and gave you what you wanted. All we ask is that you return the favor. If you don't feel comfortable with an open adoption, research it. Find out more about it. You are most likely feeling uneasy because of the unknown. It's a wonderful experience and you would truely miss out and so will your future child.
(Adoptive Mom) Keep a journal! Daily if possible. You will go through the whole gamut of emotions and see miracles that you'll want to remember--and even more so you'll experience things that you'll want to be able to tell your adopted child.
The more you write, the more you'll see.
I would especially note the "warm fuzzies" (such as sweet quotes your child's birth family says, special connections you have with the birth family, first impressions, etc.)
Plus, you never know if something you've written will someday be an answer your child seeks.

7. How open is your adoption? What does OPEN mean to you?
(Birth Mom) I think it's super open. We don't live in the same state. But being as far away as we are, it's still close. We actually knew each other before. Dustinn (adoptive dad) is best friends with my brother in-law. And they found out I was pregnant and looking at options through my sister. I knew they were the perfect family already. Before I had Olivia, I flew out to Virginia and stayed with them for a week. Me and Val would call each other and E-mail. We both blog and she sends me pictures or will tell me something new about Olivia and sends me updates. It's awesome. When they're in town, we see each other. They let me babysit Olivia a few days after I had Olivia.
(Adoptive Mom) I believe it would be labeled as "very open."
We've seen each other many times since Olivia's been born. We've been in each other's homes. We love each other's extended family. We follow each other's blogs. We send pictures and give updates. We talk on the phone but mostly email.

8. What does your Open adoption look like today? Has anything changed? More open? Less open?
(Birth Mom) Today. It hasn't changed much. Except that our schedules are just so busy. She is taking care of two kids. I recently just got married. But when we have time we will E-mail. It's so convient just when you're on the computer and you only have a short amount of time that you can always get back on and E-mail back when you have time. I feel bad if she calls and I can't answer and I don't call back. And I don't want Dustinn or Val to feel obligated that they have to call me back right away and that I'll be angry forever. I know they'll get back to me when they can. They're great. I'm sure we're both nervous about stepping on eachother's toes but nothing too horrible has gone wrong. Haha.
(Adoptive Mom) It's only been a year. I guess the biggest change is my husband is now an MBA student--so we're on a student budget and will be traveling less this year than we did last year. Otherwise nothing has changed.
Equally open.


9. What were your insecurities about placing for adoption and about adopting?
(Birth Mom) I was afraid that Olivia wouldn't know that I loved her or that I didn't know who I was. That Dustinn and Val decided that I was somehow a threat (or a psycho) to her and their family and would cut off all contact. I'm afraid that later on that when Olivia gets older that she will choose on her own that she doesn't want contact with me. I don't want it to be that somehow a huge fight will happen and we won't ever talk to each other again.
(Adoptive Mom) -First we worried that we wouldn't be chosen by a birth mother.
-Shortly after Stefanie chose us, she flew from Utah to Virginia to spend time with us. I was worried if my bath tub was clean. I was worried if my cooking tasted good. I worried whether she was bored. I was worried about what she thought of our parenting. Mostly, I was worried if it was a week long interview. (Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Within hours of Stef arriving, she saw our son's worst behavior. ever. And she still placed with us!!! The week was extremely fun: the highlights being the times she opened up to us regarding what she was feeling and thinking.)
-During Stefanie's pregnancy, we worried about placement HARD. Every woman who goes through that is a superhero in my book.)
-Now, mostly we worry about letting Stefanie down. Not in terms of parenting or who we are. More in terms of maintaining the relationship (ie sending enough/the right pictures, finding the balance between visiting Stefanie without neglecting other relatives we have in Utah, etc.)
(And new worries will likely crop up as Olivia grows up. :)


10. How are you (the birth mom) known to the child? Are you called by name? a nickname? Are you known as the birth mom?

(Birth Mom) I'm just Stefanie. Nothing to special right now just because Olivia is barely one. I'm sure she'll just know me as Stefanie and she'll know that I'm her birthmom. She won't ever call me mom because I'm not raising her, Val is. Val is her mom.
(Adoptive Mom)
Olivia is only 13 months old so she does't talk a lot. :)
Stef and I talked about what she'd prefer. We decided Olivia will call her "Stef/Stefanie" and of course she will know that Stefanie is her birth mother, her angel.


11. Did you both come up with a story together on how the child would know he/she was placed for adoption and why? Or did just the AParent?
(Birth Mom) I haven't even thought about it. Haha. I know that Dustinn and Val will do a great job with that and that I don't really have to worry about it.
(Adoptive Mom) Stefanie made Olivia a beautiful picture album.
With Olivia, there will never be a "big reveal." She will always know that she's adopted, has a birth mother and birth father who love her dearly, and that she came to our family in a very special way.


12.Who named the child?

(Birth Mom) We both sort of did. What happened was that when I was planning on parenting. I was going to name her Olivia Nicole. Nic is the birthfather and so Nicole would be after him. I told Val that after I decided to place. And they decided to keep the first name Olivia and to change her middle name to Kate after Val's great-grandmother and her sister. It didn't upset me. I was kind of unsure about it at first and I didn't know if I liked how it sounded together. But it grew on me. And I look at her and she's DEFINITELY an Olivia Kate. Not an Olivia Nicole.
(Adoptive Mom)We named her together.
It makes me laugh to remember this detail about the night we'd found out Stefanie was placing with us. That day, out of the blue, we'd received a package in the mail. When we opened the package we saw an ultrasound picture and the caption "it's a girl!" Beneath the picture was a letter that started "I wanted to let you know what you're having." (Thinking about it still gives me chills.)
We had company in town so Dustinn and I went out walking in the dark, warm summer night to call Stefanie. After squeals, tears and excitedly talking at the same time, she asked, "so....what are you going to name her?" "Oh Stef, we have no idea! We just found out we're going to be parents a few minutes ago."
We spent the next couple of days thinking about it. Stefanie had told us "if I was keeping her I would name her Olivia" but she in no way pressured us to choose that name. We'd previously planned on giving all our children family names. Then we had this "ah-ha!" moment: Olivia would be a family name--from Stefanie's side. (It also helped that we think Olivia is a beautiful name.)
Olivia's middle name is Kate after my Great Grandmother and my sister. A lot of people don't know their great grandparents very well but that is not the case for me. I spent many summers having sleep-overs at her house, eating her delicious cooking, doing cartwheels in her yard, and eating vegetables straight from their garden. Only after my own bout with infertility were my eyes opened to my Great Grandma's trials with wanting children. She was always cheerful and charitable.
13.Anything else you want to add?
(Adoptive Mom)

Yes! You asked specifically for a birth mom and adoptive parent story combined, so I focused on the relationship between Stefanie and I.
However, Olivia's story is incomplete without her amazing birth dad!
We got to know him and became friends before Olivia was born and continue to communicate and see him often. He loves Olivia very much.
He recently got married and he & his wife are an important part of our lives.

Choosing to be Happy and finding a way to be OK :)

My story starts back in 2007. I was sixteen, and I got my first job at a local amusement park, where I met R. We began dating shortly after meeting, and by the end of the summer, I was pregnant. My cousin found out, and forced us to tell the entire family. We had to sit and make phone call after phone call to all of my aunts and uncles. Needless to say, none of them were very supportive. A lot of my relationships with family members became severely damaged during that time, and remained so for quite a while. It was a rough pregnancy. I was extremely stressed, and I had horrible morning sickness. I couldn’t keep anything down, and I lost a lot of weight. When I was about four months along, I had a miscarriage. My family chose to pretend the pregnancy and miscarriage had never happened.

After the miscarriage, my family forced R and I to break up. R moved to SC, and my family shipped me off to live with relatives in NC. Eventually, we both ended up back in GA, and started secretly hanging out. In fall of ’08, R called and asked me to go out to dinner as “friends”, and I agreed. One thing led to another that night, and a month later I realized I was pregnant again. I told R, but we both chose to ignore it for the most part. As R said, “What’s the point of making any plans? You’ll just have another miscarriage.” After the first pregnancy, I figured he was probably right; especially as I had been told I may not ever have children.

The months passed and I continued to keep it a secret, from everyone. I acted like nothing was happening; I continued hanging out with friends, even going on trips. Eventually I began to realize this pregnancy wasn’t going to end in miscarriage. I began to panic. By this point I was almost 6 months pregnant, with no job, and no plan. I began to talk to R about adoption. I searched on Google and found an agency located in California that did adoptions across the US. I contacted them and they sent me a packet of forms to fill out. I filled it out with R, but didn’t send it back. Something just didn’t feel right… So, I called them and told them we had found a couple on our own.

By this time, my mother had grown suspicious, and one day she finally came right out and asked me if I was pregnant. I said yes, and I told her we were looking at adoption. I explained that since I was 18, I was doing things on my own this time, and I did not want the rest of the family to know. I did not want to deal with everyone else’s thoughts and opinions on my situation. I needed only people who would be supportive. She agreed, and suggested I go to Care Net Pregnancy Resource center for a proof of pregnancy test and counseling.

While I was there we talked about adoption, and they had me watch a video of Mark Shultz’s song “Everything to me”. In the video, he talks about how he is adopted, and how he wrote this song for his birthmother. Songs and movies never make me cry, but this one had tears rolling down my cheeks. I had this overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be OK, and that adoption really was the choice I should make. My counselors came back in and prayed with me, and by the time I left everyone was in tears!

The ladies at Care Net told me there was an ultrasound training happening the next day, and they were doing free ultrasounds. I signed up immediately, and went the next day with my mother (R was out of town). I was SO relieved to find out that the baby was ok and healthy. The ultrasound technician asked me if I knew what I was having, and after telling her no, she moved the scanner over and asked if I could tell. It was obvious, I was having a boy! I started crying as soon as I found out, and I texted R immediately to tell him.

Care Net had given me a list of local adoption agencies, but a few of them had a star by them. I decided to check out the first one with a star, Catholic Charities, and dragged R along with me. We met with Sandy, and at this point I can’t even remember what all we talked about. I do remember that I left feeling at peace, and knowing that this was the agency we would use. We began counseling sessions with Lacell, and she really pushed us to exhaust all resources that could help us parent before we got serious about adoption. Her unbiased counseling is something I have really come to appreciate.

In April, when I was about eight months pregnant, we wrote down a wish list of sorts for what we wanted in our sons’ adoptive parents. The week after that Lacell gave us two profiles to start out with. We didn’t have much to say about the first profile, and before giving us the second Lacell explained they were an interracial couple like us (which is what we wanted), and they had been approved just the week before. As we started reading through the profile, we started grinning from ear to ear. They were everything we wanted. They were perfect. We set up a visit with them and their 3 yr old son J (who had also been adopted and was also a black/white baby) for the next week. The meeting went amazingly well, and as soon as it was over R and I agreed without a doubt that they were the ones.


A few weeks later on May 20th, I had a C-section. There were a few complications and I had to be sedated, so I don’t remember anything after feeling him being pulled out of me and hearing his cries. I had Robbie at 4:53 pm, but because of the complications, I didn’t actually see him until after 9 pm that night. They rolled him into my room and placed him in my arms. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. We spent the next three days in the hospital together; R and I kept him with us the entire time with the exception of when they took him to be circumcised or weighed and measured. We had M and S (the adoptive parents) come to visit only once, for a half hour or so. They gave R a watch, and me a necklace that I wear all the time. They each held Robbie, and S (the dad) fed him. The visit was short and sweet. I believe this is how it should be done, as your time in the hospital is YOUR time, not theirs. It is also the only time you will have to parent your child. Trust me, they have the rest of your child’s life to bond with him/her. You don’t.

The day I was discharged from the hospital, I spent the whole morning holding Robbie. I kept him on my bed with me, holding him close, trying to memorize everything about him. I used that time alone to let myself cry and tell him how much I love him, and that I was sorry. That afternoon I got him dressed in the go home outfit I’d bought him, and took pictures with my family. Once it was time to go, I carried him down to the nursery where the social worker was waiting. After kissing him goodbye and telling him I love him, I placed him in the bassinette and forced myself to walk away. As I started to walk away, he began screaming his head off. It was like he knew what was happening. Let me tell you, signing the papers was a walk in the park compared to walking away from my crying son.

The next few weeks were some of the hardest in my life. I spent most of my time crying in my room or in the shower, wondering if I had made the right decision. My every thought was about Robbie. Where was he? What was he doing? Was he ok? What did he look like now? Does he miss me? I felt so completely numb. My womb was empty, my arms literally ached to hold him, and my heart felt as though it had been ripped from my chest. To make things worse, I experienced “ghost kicks”, where you feel as though there is still a baby kicking you from inside. It was a very painful reminder of what I no longer had.


We received our first email from M just a few days after they had gotten Robbie. She told us all about his first doctors visit, how much he weighed, how long he slept at night, how much he was eating, what his name was, etc. It was so comforting to receive that email. It let me know that they really did want an open adoption. We emailed every week, with M sending us TWO sets of pictures in the first month. After a few weeks of emailing, I hesitantly brought up the possibility of setting up a visit. M agreed right away, and we set up a visit for the first week of July.

I was so nervous and anxious about the visit I didn’t sleep the night before, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t eat ANYTHING the whole day (this happened every time I had a visit, for about six months). The visit was a bit awkward at first, but M and S were so welcoming, that it wasn’t hard to just relax and have fun. R and I ended up spending the entire day with them, staying for lunch and dinner. We spent the day playing with J and Robbie, and just talking and getting to know each other better. I figured I would cry when I had to leave Robbie again, but I was able to leave that visit with a smile on my face and a full heart. Seeing how happy and loved Robbie was helped me to know I had made the right decision.


It’s been 17 months, and things have certainly gotten easier since that first visit. I no longer agonize over what to say in my emails/texts/facebook messages; I am now able to get a full night sleep before each visit, and when I’m hungry, I just open up their fridge and find something to eat! They have truly become extended family to me, and I can honestly say M is one of my dearest friends. We talk about everything under the sun, and some times we meet up and hang out, just the two of us. Our relationship started because of adoption, but it has evolved into so much more than that.



That doesn’t mean our situation is perfect. We’ve had our ups and downs, we’ve had disagreements (though they have been handled respectfully), and there were a few months our contact was limited. I’ve been diagnosed with major depression and slight post traumatic stress disorder. There have been months when I thought things would never get better, and days where I couldn’t get out of bed.

Adoption isn’t rainbows and butterflies. It’s hard, and complicated. You have to be willing to work through things. You have to take the good with the bad, just like with every relationship. You have to choose to be happy. Once you do that, you may just find a way to be OK with everything.