MY ADOPTION JOURNEY :)

My husband and I had talked about adopting for years, since we dated and I was 16 actually. We always knew adoption would be apart of our life. Little did we know it would be such a great blessing and that instead of one child there were three for us.
I am a person that believes in help from God or God's hands are in our lives if we so allow them to be. I am also a person who believes in "Sign" or "revelation" .
As I said before we had always known we wanted to adopt and would need to adopt to complete our family but MONEY was always the factor keeping us from that dream. Let's face it, it can cost a pretty penny to adopt a child in the United States and even more outside of it.
Well, in Jan 2009 I had a dream, and this was no ordinary dream. A friend of mine who had just died came to me in this dream.

(this is my friend and her little girl, she is dead now, but she is who came to me) She was dressed in all white... beautiful and perfect looking. She came to me in my dream in a 15 passenger white van. I looked at her and was so happy to see her again. I kept thinking about how she had such a beautiful brilliant glow about her. She looked at me and smiled and then reached down and picked up an infant. All I saw of the infant was it was in a cream color sleeper and the back of its head. I had no clue if it was a girl or a boy. My thoughts and what I said to her was,"Did you adopt?" and then I saw the back of the head of the baby and I said to myself," that looks like one of my babies" and the thought was she was bringing me my baby. As I jumped up to run and hold the baby, I jumped up in my bed for real and woke straight up. The dream left me excited and over anxious. When I shared that dream with my husband he too knew that it was time to adopt. We both felt like the child was already born or going to be any day. The over anxious feeling of not getting adoption ready fast enough was overwhelming... We will come back to this part in a little bit so you can see where it all fits in my eyes as God showing me what was meant to be.

So we signed up with LDS FAMILY SERVICES for two reasons, we are of that faith and because its only 10% of your yearly income to adopt. Which seemed possible for us to be able to do. It all started for us in Feb 2009. We were actually online on our 19th wedding anniversary :) June 23rd. That was something to celebrate, even though we started the process immediately in Jan.

Through out this "WAITING and HOPING" process to be "CHOSEN", I met some of the most AMAZING women in the world. BIRTH MOTHERS! OH my gosh how I fell in love with each one I came across. How I was so deeply moved and touched by each unique story as to how they became birth mothers. How incredibly moved I was because they inspired me to want to be a better person! How Selfless and full of love and hope these woman were and are! To obtain half the faith, courage and strength they each possessed was incredible to me. These woman changed my life and perspective on what ADOPTION was and how it SHOULD look. They changed my mind from wanting a closed adoption to wanting and advocating OPEN ADOPTIONS! This is how my blog came about, from meeting these amazing woman. I just wanted to do more and to help others the way they had. (I know this blog is not much but it was what I felt inspired to do and all I knew I could do)


Ok so back to my journey.

We were chosen "twice" and each time the birth moms lost the baby. The wait was killer! To say Killer is such an understatement! You really put your heart out on your sleeve. You try not to but every little piece of hope or news of someone who knows someone who might want to consider placing with you or is even pregnant and considering adoption, really tends to make you over focus on that one hope. To the point it almost takes over your whole day or life. I am not kidding! This was how it was for me anyhow. You hope and you pray... You constantly look for new ways to get your family's profile seen. You start handing out adoption cards with your family's blog or info on it to everyone... Friends, Family, your hair dresser and yes even in your bills! You become this WHO ELSE CAN I GET THIS CARD TO PERSON! Because when we were with our agency they told us, " YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHEN A FRIEND OF A FRIEND KNOWS SOMEONE." You look at Internet sites about adoption, you make video's and post them. You leave your info or blog site on your emails and on your face book page. And YES, I did all these things and more to make sure I did my part in finding my child or Birth Mom that we had prayed for and dreamt about.

Through out this journey, I started to feel prompted to go towards foster care. I was not even open to that idea when it first came to me. My husband and I felt like, NO WAY! We want and know we are meant to have a baby! But after time, God has a way of slowly helping you to see the "LIGHT" and the way HE wants you to go when its needed. And that is exactly what he did for us. I kept thinking about foster care, it just kept coming back to my mind and would happen at all sorts of time. My friend was doing foster care and had already adopted one child.

(they adopted one and will be adopting two more and amazing people in our lives) So I asked her a lot of questions, sometimes repeating myself at different times on the same questions.
Then one day I asked my husband if he would consider fostering to adopt. He said he would consider it... Over a period of 6 months we both started to feel strongly that fostering to adopt was what we should do. It was weird how you go from feeling so strongly about one thing to another. But for record, we DID need to sign up with our adoption agency and would never had if we had gone with the original idea of fostering to adopt. :)
So I had called Health and Welfare and started to put in our adoption profile papers with all them around us. But that wasn't enough. I knew it and felt it. We even tried for a child from Wednesday Child, got to be one of the final three families and did not make it to adopt that child. (that is a whole different story and it was hard, but not meant to be and I know that and see that now) Anyhow so I felt like we didn't get that child because we didn't have our PRIDE classes done. SO I signed us up in November for Pride classes. They were booked out until Feb of 2011. These are 6 week classes that you have to take in order to become licensed foster parents.
This is where it gets good! GREAT EVEN! One day in late November, I felt discouraged and lost. Directionless, so I got on my knees and poured out my soul to God. I told him my hopes and dreams, my hurts and desires. I thanked him for everything so far we had been blessed with and I asked flat out for direction. I told him I signed up for Pride and that they were booked out till February. I asked if Fostering to Adopt was really the way we were suppose to go and I added I felt old! That this journey was becoming long and I was not getting any younger.
Well, about 2 hours later from praying I received a phone call from a lady in Health and Welfare, she said a class that weekend was opening up (with pride) that it was a 3 week coarse instead of 6 and that OUR NAMES JUST CAME TO HER! She also said THIS NEVER HAPPENS! So I said YES!! and we took the 3 week coarse and became LEGAL LICENSED FOSTER PARENTS WITH THE ABILITY TO ADOPT RIGHT AWAY because all our stuff was ready through our agency.
THIS CLASS ENDED A COUPLE DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS and the whole time we took the coarse they warned us that we could get "THE CALL" to foster anytime. I then started to pray that the Lord would wait till the new year before placing with us any child, foster or to adopt because I don't do well with last minute changes and holiday stress. And that is what the Lord granted me :)
Jan 5th I was walking into the movies, I wanted to see Life as we Know it. And as I walked in I heard in my head," You are going to be called as soon as the movie starts with YOUR children" I kinda laughed at myself and said,"YEAH RIGHT" And then that is what happened. So I had to walk out of the movie, get my money back and rush home to prepare for THREE little children.
Three beautiful little children.

One boy who was 4, one girl who was 3 and one other little girl who was 2. The little boy turned 5 a week later the 3 yr old turned 4 at the end of that month. (JAN 2011) As my husband and I were instantly consumed with three little children who had very big needs at first... we were over whelmed. We were told that these children will need to be adopted at some point soon. They placed these children with us because we had the space and ability to adopt them. We were not sure about it all. But then little "SIGNS" happened for me to see the "LIGHT" and to know in my heart that these are indeed the children that God had chosen for us. Meant to bless us :)
One was my dream.... My baby girl who is 2 was born in December and my dream that I mentioned in the beginning was exactly 2 years from when she was born. I had told the Lord that we would need a bigger vehicle, because I have 5 children and then 3 more, someone was always being left behind or had to go in a separate vehicle. So with that prayer came an answer and one day I looked at my husbands computer and he was looking into 15 passenger vans. Which we did buy :) at an auction. :)

Things have been provided for these children. Its been amazing how so many people are behind us and helping us. From giving me breaks with the kids to giving me things that I didn't have... toys and clothes. To always encouraging me to continue on when days have been hard. Even food, 3 more just placed after I spent our very budgeted food budget on groceries left us tight and me worried. How would I feed them? And God once again answered my prayers and inspired a friend of mine to share that with us. She brought us by 300 dollars worth of food and told us her pantry was already full . So to say were blessed is an understatement. I am thankful she felt the promptings of the holy ghost and acted up on them! So blessed she did!

These children complete our family in every way. 10 is enough for sure!

( there is one extra in this picture, my second daughter's boyfriend but he is so apart of our family so its all good!) I have been excited to share my adoption journey with everyone and now I can. :) So there you have it... Our little story of how we all came to be. There is a lot of healing happening in our house for these three. The trauma they have been put thru has been heart breaking. The neglect they have suffered has been awful… but I “THEIR MAMA” can say they are all caught up on shots, healthy and all the procedures they have needed (dental.. Jesse had 8 cavities and had to be put to sleep to have them fixed and capped, Ellie had no shots since 6 months old and just got tubes in her ears) are done! They are to the point where healthy is a normal for them. They came to me so sick too. Took over a month to get them healthy! The doctor that Jess has seen told me all the goals she had for since she knew him in 3 years were met in the three months I had him. That is so cool to me ;)
Anyhow… wanted to share our joy. Thank you for your support. THEY ARE OFFICIALLY OURS TODAY! IN THE SUPREME COURT! :) 11/18/11! We are very happy and excited! They will have new names. They came to us with nicknames because calling them by their real names upset them. Bella she is 4 and we are renaming her ISABELLA MAXINE, Ellie will be renamed ELIZABETH MALENE (after my dead sister) and Jesse is Jesse but he wants to change his middle names LEE GILBERT to MICHAEL.
We feel very blessed!

Our Adoption Day...

Just wanted to share our joy with all the readers... our ADOPTION DAY IS NOVEMBER 18th 2011 :) We are super excited! Soon I can post our adoption story and how we ended up with three children! ;) So excited!

The Family that felt like "HOME"

My family taught me to love deeply and with all my soul, and I took that lesson to heart. I knew I wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I knew my children would be my life, and that I would love them just as deeply as my mother loved me. I never realized that loving someone could mean giving up everything I wanted.
I met J. in high school, we had met in passing a few years before when he moved into town and then quickly moved away again. We started dating in December 2001; in late June 2002 I found out I was pregnant. I was barely 16.
I was exstatic, knowing I would finally be a mother as I had always dreamed of being. My parents were wary, supporting me while still trying to make me understand the gravity of the situation. I walked on a cloud of euphoria for 2 months or so, and when J. proposed to me I said “yes”. My sister was the first to suggest adoption, during a visit with her in Utah during that time. She berated me for not thinking of the well being of my child over my own, and I was angry at her for not being more understanding. I was offended at the thought of “giving up” my baby. I would find out later that she was struggling with infertility, and I don’t know how she found the courage to even talk to me. My other sister was also pregnant and due a week or so after me, talk about a double blow.
I moved forward with my plans for our lives, getting secondhand baby clothes and accessories from friends and dreaming of my baby boy. We picked a name for him, Dawson, and we thought of all the wonderful things he would be and do. We wondered if he would have my red hair, or J.’s athletic build, we waxed romantic about our future marriage and the baby that would make it all happen. Then on a warm day in September, J. told me he had made a mistake. He had cheated on me with one of my best friends a few weeks earlier while we were all at my house; I had been asleep at the time. We fought, and I gave his ring back, only to accept it once again when he apologized. I couldn’t tell my parents, couldn’t trust my friends, and couldn’t believe what had happened. I tried to move on, but J. disappeared too much, wasn’t as interested in me or the baby anymore, even threatened to break up with me. One morning I woke, stressed from a night of wondering where he had gone, knowing in my heart it was not good. I felt the baby kick furiously, then go still, I didn’t feel him again for a few hours and I was freaking out. My mom drove me to the Doctor and we found that I was in pre-term labor. I would need to be on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy, taking drugs to stop the contractions and getting periodic ultrasounds.
It was at this point that I realized what was at stake. Not just my own life, my own heart, but also the well being of this tiny boy inside my belly. I sat on my bed that day, stroking the bulge in my abdomen, talking to my Dawson and asking him what I was supposed to do. The answer came, but not from my belly, just a whisper in my head that said “What about adoption?”. I was about 7 months along, giving me 2 months (if that) in order to make my decision. I thought about my relationship with J. and how he would react, I thought about my parents, but mostly I thought about this beautiful boy I loved more than my own life. I knew that if he stayed with me, he would watch me break under the infidelity in my relationship. He would see how his father treated his mother, he would learn from that one way or another. When we broke up, he would have to deal with separate parents, each struggling to get by without an education or any resources. We would have to rely on our parents, probably living with them while we tried to provide for him. I knew what I wanted for his life: a mother and father who loved each other, who knew how to respect one another, and would provide the loving home he deserved. I knew I wanted him to learn to be a man from someone who knew what that meant. I wanted him to have a mother who could be with him, rather than working to make ends meet. I had to admit that I was unable to provide any of that…
So I made a choice that would change the course of many lives, and a choice that would forever alter who I am. I talked to J. and told him what he needed to hear to agree with me. I searched through what felt like hundreds of packets, birth mom letters, pictures, stats of families whose faces blurred in my mind. None felt right, but I found one couple that was what I thought I wanted. My LDSFS caseworker contacted them, arranged a meeting, only to find out last minute that they had moved. I would have to wait, possibly months, until after the baby was born. I knew I couldn’t do that, if he came home with me he would be with me forever. So we moved on, searching even more packets. I stopped reading letters, simply looking at faces and stats, then placing each family in the “No pile” or the “Maybe pile”. One day in the midst of this process I came across one group of pictures that popped out at me. A lovely couple with one biological daughter who was 8 years old. Their pictures were vibrant, their smiles inviting, and their love seemed to explode off the black-and-white photocopy. I did not read the birth mom letter; I simply set the packet aside. I realized later that this had become my “Yes pile”. We arranged a meeting, and just 2 weeks before my due date we met. At that moment I felt a tug in my heart, and I could not question that this was my baby’s family. They felt like home to me.
The last week in January came, my sister had her baby boy a bit early, and my due date came and went. Two days after he was due to arrive, Dawson entered the world just before noon on January 29th. He was a whopping 10 pounds 11.5oz, healthy and beautiful.
I had 3 cherished days with him. I can recall almost every moment. Friends and family came and went, but I only had eyes for one baby boy. On February 2nd, I woke knowing these were my last hours with my baby. Those hours flew by; we dressed him and readied ourselves for the ordeal ahead. We cried a lot, told him how much we loved him, gave him a few last gifts, then placed him in a bassinet and rolled him down the hallway to a small meeting room. There was his family; his mother’s tears seemed like small echoes of my own. I picked up my baby one last time, kissed him and handed him to his mother.

I don’t remember what was said after that, my mind was preoccupied with the screaming pain in my heart. I remember being numb, and the trip home from the hospital is a blur. I watched a lot of TV that afternoon, but I don’t remember what was on. That night I broke down when my Dad hugged me good night. I felt broken for quite a long time after that. J never did mend his cheating ways, but I clung to him as the one person I felt could understand my grief. We stayed together and just after Dawson’s first birthday we had a visit with him. His name was different, and he was not my little baby anymore, bursting my little bubble of grief-filled memory. I think that was the first time I felt like I was healing. I saw his happiness as permission to have my own, and a few months later J. and I broke up for good. I moved on to other relationships and other life lessons. I had my heart broken, and my life changed in ways I never imagined. I moved away from my home state, toward better opportunities. I also grew much closer to Dawson’s family, I have come to love them and think of them as my family as well. I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to have them in my life, and each time I see them I love them even more.
That baby boy is long gone, and the little man he has become is just as I would expect him to be. I still get a little sad thinking of the things I have missed, but I have never doubted that he is where he belongs. I have a child of my own now, and she fills my life with light, but he will always be my first love. I am still in awe of him, and he will always be my baby, but I am not his mother. I was never meant to be.

A must READ...

Carol, on my birth mother panel, came across this and thought I would like to share this story with you all. Take a moment and read it. SO SWEET!
Thanks CAROL !!!
Click HERE

Questions and answers from a Birth Mom and Adoptive Mom

1. What brought you to adoption?
( Birth Mom)
Well. I was single and pregnant. My mom asked me if I wanted to go to LDS Family Services to talk to a counselor and so I did. And I wasn't so sure on adoption for about the first 4 months of my pregnancy. It was mentioned here and there but it always made mad or sad. I was very closed minded at first. But my heart began to soften as soon as I found out that Valery and Dustinn were looking to adopt.
(Adoptive Mom)

Like many other couples, infertility brought us to adoption.
We had been blessed with one biological son but hoped for more children. Starting the adoption process felt natural and right.

Back in 2004, I was a senior at BYU. I was walking home from class one day and saw a toddler, wearing just a diaper, running back and forth across the street. I carried him to the side of the road and hung out with him until I met his mother. His mother, "N" was in dire straits. "N" and I became friends but even more so, her son "Angel" and I became friends. I'd regularly pick him up to go to the park or McDonald's. Sometimes when I returned with Angel I couldn't find "N" and Angel would stay with me (and my college roommates, haha) overnight.


Dustinn came into the picture and together we continued to visit Angel as "N" hopped from place to place in the Salt Lake valley, and as Angel was in and out of foster care.

In 2008 "N" and Angel moved again, except this time no one knew where they went. I haven't seen or heard from "N" or Angel since. But I miss him. I still keep my eyes peeled for him when we're in Utah. I can't help but think about how old he's turning every December 16th. I wonder what he's like and how he is doing in school. I wonder if anyone is helping him with his homework and reminding him that he is good and smart and important.
Dustinn and I pray that he's okay because we know often he was not.
The moral of this story is twofold:
1. I knew long ago that a child did not have to be biologically mine to love him/her with all my heart.
2. I know what it's like to wonder how a child is doing. We wouldn't ever want Stefanie to feel like that. While we're aware that open adoption isn't for everyone, it was important to us that Stefanie had that option.

2.What do you want out of the adoption relationship with each other.
(Birth Mom) I wanted a really close friendship like BFF's. Someone I can call and talk to even if I was having a bad day and needed a friend. I think our friendship has blossomed more and I think of Val as like my soul sister. :)
(Adoptive Mom) Stef appreciates updates, pictures, visits and generally to have a continuing relationship with Olivia.
We don't have any expectations of things we'd like Stefanie to do for us/Olivia. However, she has done many wonderful and thoughtful things for us. She loves us and Bradshaw. She remembers and cares about important things in our life. She makes us feel special by spending time with us.
Generally, everyone in the adoption triad wants respect, understanding, patience and forgiveness (Dustinn and I are most definitely fallible!)
We are hopeful that an open adoption will help comfort and reassure Stefanie of her choice. We are hopeful that an open adoption will give Olivia answers, confidence and peace.

3.What do you both want for the child that was placed for adoption?
(Birth Mom) I want her to be happy and to know that she's always loved from all different sorts of families. Your blood doesn't define your family. It's those that are closest to you. I want her to WANT to know where she comes from and that it's an awesome thing that she's adopted
(Adoptive Mom)
(Incidentally, prior to Olivia's birth we were on a long car ride with Stefanie and we all took turns making wishes for Olivia.)
Olivia's just a toddler now. We want her world to be warm, welcoming, friendly. We want Olivia to feel safe.
As she grows, we want her to be able to discover her talents and interests and to find joy and fulfillment in using them to help others.
We want her to know that she is a beloved daughter of God. That she is of divine worth.
We want her to know that God was aware of her birth and life. That He will hear and answer her prayers.
We want her to have the confidence that comes from knowing who she is and knowing what life is about.
We want her to know that she is dearly loved by her parents, siblings, birth mom, birth dad, and all of her extended family (birth family definitely included.)
We want her to know being adopted makes her special.

4.How is your relation ship with each other?
(Birth Mom) With Val (the adoptive mom) We're like sisters. With Olivia (birthdaughter) she's only 13 months old. But I know she'll always grow up knowing who I am and that we'll be super close. Not so much a mother/daughter relationship but maybe like an aunt/niece relationship. Sounds weird. I hated that idea at first. But it makes sense.
(Adoptive Mom) Good! Right, Stef?
We communicate primarily via email. Which works really well for me. (While I am not a shy person. I tend to shy away from the phone.)

Stefanie lives in Utah, where a lot of my extended family also lives so we've visited Utah several times in the past year and have typically been able to see Stefanie and her family multiple times each visit. So we've had the chance to meet and get to know her boyfriend/fiance/now husband, to play games (hurrah for Kingsburg!) and catch up in person.

5. What would be advice you would give to other women considering adoption?
(Birth Mom) It's hard and take the time to know you're doing what's best for YOU and for YOUR BABY. You will be affected by it but your baby will be affected more by your choices. I would advise you to do a pro/cons list. Get counseling. Go to groups, if there are any available in your community. Write in your journal. Pray often. Do what it is that will help you.

6. What would be your advice to other hopeful adoptive couples?
(Birth Mom) After having gone through the adoption process and meeting so many wonderful couples. I know that you all have that precious spirit waiting to be born with you. And they're as excited as you are. I know times will be tough and it'll get discouraging but don't lose faith.
My other advice (it's going to be kind of harsh and to the point): Do NOT lead your birthmom on. Do NOT promise her something that you can't follow through with. Do NOT promise her an open adoption with all intentions to close it up after. We canNOT have PEACE without all the PIECES. A birthmom will find you that will fit into your family if that's what you like. Be true to yourself. We made all the promises and followed through with the adoption and gave you what you wanted. All we ask is that you return the favor. If you don't feel comfortable with an open adoption, research it. Find out more about it. You are most likely feeling uneasy because of the unknown. It's a wonderful experience and you would truely miss out and so will your future child.
(Adoptive Mom) Keep a journal! Daily if possible. You will go through the whole gamut of emotions and see miracles that you'll want to remember--and even more so you'll experience things that you'll want to be able to tell your adopted child.
The more you write, the more you'll see.
I would especially note the "warm fuzzies" (such as sweet quotes your child's birth family says, special connections you have with the birth family, first impressions, etc.)
Plus, you never know if something you've written will someday be an answer your child seeks.

7. How open is your adoption? What does OPEN mean to you?
(Birth Mom) I think it's super open. We don't live in the same state. But being as far away as we are, it's still close. We actually knew each other before. Dustinn (adoptive dad) is best friends with my brother in-law. And they found out I was pregnant and looking at options through my sister. I knew they were the perfect family already. Before I had Olivia, I flew out to Virginia and stayed with them for a week. Me and Val would call each other and E-mail. We both blog and she sends me pictures or will tell me something new about Olivia and sends me updates. It's awesome. When they're in town, we see each other. They let me babysit Olivia a few days after I had Olivia.
(Adoptive Mom) I believe it would be labeled as "very open."
We've seen each other many times since Olivia's been born. We've been in each other's homes. We love each other's extended family. We follow each other's blogs. We send pictures and give updates. We talk on the phone but mostly email.

8. What does your Open adoption look like today? Has anything changed? More open? Less open?
(Birth Mom) Today. It hasn't changed much. Except that our schedules are just so busy. She is taking care of two kids. I recently just got married. But when we have time we will E-mail. It's so convient just when you're on the computer and you only have a short amount of time that you can always get back on and E-mail back when you have time. I feel bad if she calls and I can't answer and I don't call back. And I don't want Dustinn or Val to feel obligated that they have to call me back right away and that I'll be angry forever. I know they'll get back to me when they can. They're great. I'm sure we're both nervous about stepping on eachother's toes but nothing too horrible has gone wrong. Haha.
(Adoptive Mom) It's only been a year. I guess the biggest change is my husband is now an MBA student--so we're on a student budget and will be traveling less this year than we did last year. Otherwise nothing has changed.
Equally open.


9. What were your insecurities about placing for adoption and about adopting?
(Birth Mom) I was afraid that Olivia wouldn't know that I loved her or that I didn't know who I was. That Dustinn and Val decided that I was somehow a threat (or a psycho) to her and their family and would cut off all contact. I'm afraid that later on that when Olivia gets older that she will choose on her own that she doesn't want contact with me. I don't want it to be that somehow a huge fight will happen and we won't ever talk to each other again.
(Adoptive Mom) -First we worried that we wouldn't be chosen by a birth mother.
-Shortly after Stefanie chose us, she flew from Utah to Virginia to spend time with us. I was worried if my bath tub was clean. I was worried if my cooking tasted good. I worried whether she was bored. I was worried about what she thought of our parenting. Mostly, I was worried if it was a week long interview. (Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Within hours of Stef arriving, she saw our son's worst behavior. ever. And she still placed with us!!! The week was extremely fun: the highlights being the times she opened up to us regarding what she was feeling and thinking.)
-During Stefanie's pregnancy, we worried about placement HARD. Every woman who goes through that is a superhero in my book.)
-Now, mostly we worry about letting Stefanie down. Not in terms of parenting or who we are. More in terms of maintaining the relationship (ie sending enough/the right pictures, finding the balance between visiting Stefanie without neglecting other relatives we have in Utah, etc.)
(And new worries will likely crop up as Olivia grows up. :)


10. How are you (the birth mom) known to the child? Are you called by name? a nickname? Are you known as the birth mom?

(Birth Mom) I'm just Stefanie. Nothing to special right now just because Olivia is barely one. I'm sure she'll just know me as Stefanie and she'll know that I'm her birthmom. She won't ever call me mom because I'm not raising her, Val is. Val is her mom.
(Adoptive Mom)
Olivia is only 13 months old so she does't talk a lot. :)
Stef and I talked about what she'd prefer. We decided Olivia will call her "Stef/Stefanie" and of course she will know that Stefanie is her birth mother, her angel.


11. Did you both come up with a story together on how the child would know he/she was placed for adoption and why? Or did just the AParent?
(Birth Mom) I haven't even thought about it. Haha. I know that Dustinn and Val will do a great job with that and that I don't really have to worry about it.
(Adoptive Mom) Stefanie made Olivia a beautiful picture album.
With Olivia, there will never be a "big reveal." She will always know that she's adopted, has a birth mother and birth father who love her dearly, and that she came to our family in a very special way.


12.Who named the child?

(Birth Mom) We both sort of did. What happened was that when I was planning on parenting. I was going to name her Olivia Nicole. Nic is the birthfather and so Nicole would be after him. I told Val that after I decided to place. And they decided to keep the first name Olivia and to change her middle name to Kate after Val's great-grandmother and her sister. It didn't upset me. I was kind of unsure about it at first and I didn't know if I liked how it sounded together. But it grew on me. And I look at her and she's DEFINITELY an Olivia Kate. Not an Olivia Nicole.
(Adoptive Mom)We named her together.
It makes me laugh to remember this detail about the night we'd found out Stefanie was placing with us. That day, out of the blue, we'd received a package in the mail. When we opened the package we saw an ultrasound picture and the caption "it's a girl!" Beneath the picture was a letter that started "I wanted to let you know what you're having." (Thinking about it still gives me chills.)
We had company in town so Dustinn and I went out walking in the dark, warm summer night to call Stefanie. After squeals, tears and excitedly talking at the same time, she asked, "so....what are you going to name her?" "Oh Stef, we have no idea! We just found out we're going to be parents a few minutes ago."
We spent the next couple of days thinking about it. Stefanie had told us "if I was keeping her I would name her Olivia" but she in no way pressured us to choose that name. We'd previously planned on giving all our children family names. Then we had this "ah-ha!" moment: Olivia would be a family name--from Stefanie's side. (It also helped that we think Olivia is a beautiful name.)
Olivia's middle name is Kate after my Great Grandmother and my sister. A lot of people don't know their great grandparents very well but that is not the case for me. I spent many summers having sleep-overs at her house, eating her delicious cooking, doing cartwheels in her yard, and eating vegetables straight from their garden. Only after my own bout with infertility were my eyes opened to my Great Grandma's trials with wanting children. She was always cheerful and charitable.
13.Anything else you want to add?
(Adoptive Mom)

Yes! You asked specifically for a birth mom and adoptive parent story combined, so I focused on the relationship between Stefanie and I.
However, Olivia's story is incomplete without her amazing birth dad!
We got to know him and became friends before Olivia was born and continue to communicate and see him often. He loves Olivia very much.
He recently got married and he & his wife are an important part of our lives.

Questions and answers from a Birth Mom and Adoptive Mom

1. What brought you to adoption?
( Birth Mom)
Well. I was single and pregnant. My mom asked me if I wanted to go to LDS Family Services to talk to a counselor and so I did. And I wasn't so sure on adoption for about the first 4 months of my pregnancy. It was mentioned here and there but it always made mad or sad. I was very closed minded at first. But my heart began to soften as soon as I found out that Valery and Dustinn were looking to adopt.
(Adoptive Mom)

Like many other couples, infertility brought us to adoption.
We had been blessed with one biological son but hoped for more children. Starting the adoption process felt natural and right.

Back in 2004, I was a senior at BYU. I was walking home from class one day and saw a toddler, wearing just a diaper, running back and forth across the street. I carried him to the side of the road and hung out with him until I met his mother. His mother, "N" was in dire straits. "N" and I became friends but even more so, her son "Angel" and I became friends. I'd regularly pick him up to go to the park or McDonald's. Sometimes when I returned with Angel I couldn't find "N" and Angel would stay with me (and my college roommates, haha) overnight.


Dustinn came into the picture and together we continued to visit Angel as "N" hopped from place to place in the Salt Lake valley, and as Angel was in and out of foster care.

In 2008 "N" and Angel moved again, except this time no one knew where they went. I haven't seen or heard from "N" or Angel since. But I miss him. I still keep my eyes peeled for him when we're in Utah. I can't help but think about how old he's turning every December 16th. I wonder what he's like and how he is doing in school. I wonder if anyone is helping him with his homework and reminding him that he is good and smart and important.
Dustinn and I pray that he's okay because we know often he was not.
The moral of this story is twofold:
1. I knew long ago that a child did not have to be biologically mine to love him/her with all my heart.
2. I know what it's like to wonder how a child is doing. We wouldn't ever want Stefanie to feel like that. While we're aware that open adoption isn't for everyone, it was important to us that Stefanie had that option.

2.What do you want out of the adoption relationship with each other.
(Birth Mom) I wanted a really close friendship like BFF's. Someone I can call and talk to even if I was having a bad day and needed a friend. I think our friendship has blossomed more and I think of Val as like my soul sister. :)
(Adoptive Mom) Stef appreciates updates, pictures, visits and generally to have a continuing relationship with Olivia.
We don't have any expectations of things we'd like Stefanie to do for us/Olivia. However, she has done many wonderful and thoughtful things for us. She loves us and Bradshaw. She remembers and cares about important things in our life. She makes us feel special by spending time with us.
Generally, everyone in the adoption triad wants respect, understanding, patience and forgiveness (Dustinn and I are most definitely fallible!)
We are hopeful that an open adoption will help comfort and reassure Stefanie of her choice. We are hopeful that an open adoption will give Olivia answers, confidence and peace.

3.What do you both want for the child that was placed for adoption?
(Birth Mom) I want her to be happy and to know that she's always loved from all different sorts of families. Your blood doesn't define your family. It's those that are closest to you. I want her to WANT to know where she comes from and that it's an awesome thing that she's adopted
(Adoptive Mom)
(Incidentally, prior to Olivia's birth we were on a long car ride with Stefanie and we all took turns making wishes for Olivia.)
Olivia's just a toddler now. We want her world to be warm, welcoming, friendly. We want Olivia to feel safe.
As she grows, we want her to be able to discover her talents and interests and to find joy and fulfillment in using them to help others.
We want her to know that she is a beloved daughter of God. That she is of divine worth.
We want her to know that God was aware of her birth and life. That He will hear and answer her prayers.
We want her to have the confidence that comes from knowing who she is and knowing what life is about.
We want her to know that she is dearly loved by her parents, siblings, birth mom, birth dad, and all of her extended family (birth family definitely included.)
We want her to know being adopted makes her special.

4.How is your relation ship with each other?
(Birth Mom) With Val (the adoptive mom) We're like sisters. With Olivia (birthdaughter) she's only 13 months old. But I know she'll always grow up knowing who I am and that we'll be super close. Not so much a mother/daughter relationship but maybe like an aunt/niece relationship. Sounds weird. I hated that idea at first. But it makes sense.
(Adoptive Mom) Good! Right, Stef?
We communicate primarily via email. Which works really well for me. (While I am not a shy person. I tend to shy away from the phone.)

Stefanie lives in Utah, where a lot of my extended family also lives so we've visited Utah several times in the past year and have typically been able to see Stefanie and her family multiple times each visit. So we've had the chance to meet and get to know her boyfriend/fiance/now husband, to play games (hurrah for Kingsburg!) and catch up in person.

5. What would be advice you would give to other women considering adoption?
(Birth Mom) It's hard and take the time to know you're doing what's best for YOU and for YOUR BABY. You will be affected by it but your baby will be affected more by your choices. I would advise you to do a pro/cons list. Get counseling. Go to groups, if there are any available in your community. Write in your journal. Pray often. Do what it is that will help you.

6. What would be your advice to other hopeful adoptive couples?
(Birth Mom) After having gone through the adoption process and meeting so many wonderful couples. I know that you all have that precious spirit waiting to be born with you. And they're as excited as you are. I know times will be tough and it'll get discouraging but don't lose faith.
My other advice (it's going to be kind of harsh and to the point): Do NOT lead your birthmom on. Do NOT promise her something that you can't follow through with. Do NOT promise her an open adoption with all intentions to close it up after. We canNOT have PEACE without all the PIECES. A birthmom will find you that will fit into your family if that's what you like. Be true to yourself. We made all the promises and followed through with the adoption and gave you what you wanted. All we ask is that you return the favor. If you don't feel comfortable with an open adoption, research it. Find out more about it. You are most likely feeling uneasy because of the unknown. It's a wonderful experience and you would truely miss out and so will your future child.
(Adoptive Mom) Keep a journal! Daily if possible. You will go through the whole gamut of emotions and see miracles that you'll want to remember--and even more so you'll experience things that you'll want to be able to tell your adopted child.
The more you write, the more you'll see.
I would especially note the "warm fuzzies" (such as sweet quotes your child's birth family says, special connections you have with the birth family, first impressions, etc.)
Plus, you never know if something you've written will someday be an answer your child seeks.

7. How open is your adoption? What does OPEN mean to you?
(Birth Mom) I think it's super open. We don't live in the same state. But being as far away as we are, it's still close. We actually knew each other before. Dustinn (adoptive dad) is best friends with my brother in-law. And they found out I was pregnant and looking at options through my sister. I knew they were the perfect family already. Before I had Olivia, I flew out to Virginia and stayed with them for a week. Me and Val would call each other and E-mail. We both blog and she sends me pictures or will tell me something new about Olivia and sends me updates. It's awesome. When they're in town, we see each other. They let me babysit Olivia a few days after I had Olivia.
(Adoptive Mom) I believe it would be labeled as "very open."
We've seen each other many times since Olivia's been born. We've been in each other's homes. We love each other's extended family. We follow each other's blogs. We send pictures and give updates. We talk on the phone but mostly email.

8. What does your Open adoption look like today? Has anything changed? More open? Less open?
(Birth Mom) Today. It hasn't changed much. Except that our schedules are just so busy. She is taking care of two kids. I recently just got married. But when we have time we will E-mail. It's so convient just when you're on the computer and you only have a short amount of time that you can always get back on and E-mail back when you have time. I feel bad if she calls and I can't answer and I don't call back. And I don't want Dustinn or Val to feel obligated that they have to call me back right away and that I'll be angry forever. I know they'll get back to me when they can. They're great. I'm sure we're both nervous about stepping on eachother's toes but nothing too horrible has gone wrong. Haha.
(Adoptive Mom) It's only been a year. I guess the biggest change is my husband is now an MBA student--so we're on a student budget and will be traveling less this year than we did last year. Otherwise nothing has changed.
Equally open.


9. What were your insecurities about placing for adoption and about adopting?
(Birth Mom) I was afraid that Olivia wouldn't know that I loved her or that I didn't know who I was. That Dustinn and Val decided that I was somehow a threat (or a psycho) to her and their family and would cut off all contact. I'm afraid that later on that when Olivia gets older that she will choose on her own that she doesn't want contact with me. I don't want it to be that somehow a huge fight will happen and we won't ever talk to each other again.
(Adoptive Mom) -First we worried that we wouldn't be chosen by a birth mother.
-Shortly after Stefanie chose us, she flew from Utah to Virginia to spend time with us. I was worried if my bath tub was clean. I was worried if my cooking tasted good. I worried whether she was bored. I was worried about what she thought of our parenting. Mostly, I was worried if it was a week long interview. (Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Within hours of Stef arriving, she saw our son's worst behavior. ever. And she still placed with us!!! The week was extremely fun: the highlights being the times she opened up to us regarding what she was feeling and thinking.)
-During Stefanie's pregnancy, we worried about placement HARD. Every woman who goes through that is a superhero in my book.)
-Now, mostly we worry about letting Stefanie down. Not in terms of parenting or who we are. More in terms of maintaining the relationship (ie sending enough/the right pictures, finding the balance between visiting Stefanie without neglecting other relatives we have in Utah, etc.)
(And new worries will likely crop up as Olivia grows up. :)


10. How are you (the birth mom) known to the child? Are you called by name? a nickname? Are you known as the birth mom?

(Birth Mom) I'm just Stefanie. Nothing to special right now just because Olivia is barely one. I'm sure she'll just know me as Stefanie and she'll know that I'm her birthmom. She won't ever call me mom because I'm not raising her, Val is. Val is her mom.
(Adoptive Mom)
Olivia is only 13 months old so she does't talk a lot. :)
Stef and I talked about what she'd prefer. We decided Olivia will call her "Stef/Stefanie" and of course she will know that Stefanie is her birth mother, her angel.


11. Did you both come up with a story together on how the child would know he/she was placed for adoption and why? Or did just the AParent?
(Birth Mom) I haven't even thought about it. Haha. I know that Dustinn and Val will do a great job with that and that I don't really have to worry about it.
(Adoptive Mom) Stefanie made Olivia a beautiful picture album.
With Olivia, there will never be a "big reveal." She will always know that she's adopted, has a birth mother and birth father who love her dearly, and that she came to our family in a very special way.


12.Who named the child?

(Birth Mom) We both sort of did. What happened was that when I was planning on parenting. I was going to name her Olivia Nicole. Nic is the birthfather and so Nicole would be after him. I told Val that after I decided to place. And they decided to keep the first name Olivia and to change her middle name to Kate after Val's great-grandmother and her sister. It didn't upset me. I was kind of unsure about it at first and I didn't know if I liked how it sounded together. But it grew on me. And I look at her and she's DEFINITELY an Olivia Kate. Not an Olivia Nicole.
(Adoptive Mom)We named her together.
It makes me laugh to remember this detail about the night we'd found out Stefanie was placing with us. That day, out of the blue, we'd received a package in the mail. When we opened the package we saw an ultrasound picture and the caption "it's a girl!" Beneath the picture was a letter that started "I wanted to let you know what you're having." (Thinking about it still gives me chills.)
We had company in town so Dustinn and I went out walking in the dark, warm summer night to call Stefanie. After squeals, tears and excitedly talking at the same time, she asked, "so....what are you going to name her?" "Oh Stef, we have no idea! We just found out we're going to be parents a few minutes ago."
We spent the next couple of days thinking about it. Stefanie had told us "if I was keeping her I would name her Olivia" but she in no way pressured us to choose that name. We'd previously planned on giving all our children family names. Then we had this "ah-ha!" moment: Olivia would be a family name--from Stefanie's side. (It also helped that we think Olivia is a beautiful name.)
Olivia's middle name is Kate after my Great Grandmother and my sister. A lot of people don't know their great grandparents very well but that is not the case for me. I spent many summers having sleep-overs at her house, eating her delicious cooking, doing cartwheels in her yard, and eating vegetables straight from their garden. Only after my own bout with infertility were my eyes opened to my Great Grandma's trials with wanting children. She was always cheerful and charitable.
13.Anything else you want to add?
(Adoptive Mom)

Yes! You asked specifically for a birth mom and adoptive parent story combined, so I focused on the relationship between Stefanie and I.
However, Olivia's story is incomplete without her amazing birth dad!
We got to know him and became friends before Olivia was born and continue to communicate and see him often. He loves Olivia very much.
He recently got married and he & his wife are an important part of our lives.

Questions and answers from a Birth Mom and Adoptive Mom

1. What brought you to adoption?
( Birth Mom)
Well. I was single and pregnant. My mom asked me if I wanted to go to LDS Family Services to talk to a counselor and so I did. And I wasn't so sure on adoption for about the first 4 months of my pregnancy. It was mentioned here and there but it always made mad or sad. I was very closed minded at first. But my heart began to soften as soon as I found out that Valery and Dustinn were looking to adopt.
(Adoptive Mom)

Like many other couples, infertility brought us to adoption.
We had been blessed with one biological son but hoped for more children. Starting the adoption process felt natural and right.

Back in 2004, I was a senior at BYU. I was walking home from class one day and saw a toddler, wearing just a diaper, running back and forth across the street. I carried him to the side of the road and hung out with him until I met his mother. His mother, "N" was in dire straits. "N" and I became friends but even more so, her son "Angel" and I became friends. I'd regularly pick him up to go to the park or McDonald's. Sometimes when I returned with Angel I couldn't find "N" and Angel would stay with me (and my college roommates, haha) overnight.


Dustinn came into the picture and together we continued to visit Angel as "N" hopped from place to place in the Salt Lake valley, and as Angel was in and out of foster care.

In 2008 "N" and Angel moved again, except this time no one knew where they went. I haven't seen or heard from "N" or Angel since. But I miss him. I still keep my eyes peeled for him when we're in Utah. I can't help but think about how old he's turning every December 16th. I wonder what he's like and how he is doing in school. I wonder if anyone is helping him with his homework and reminding him that he is good and smart and important.
Dustinn and I pray that he's okay because we know often he was not.
The moral of this story is twofold:
1. I knew long ago that a child did not have to be biologically mine to love him/her with all my heart.
2. I know what it's like to wonder how a child is doing. We wouldn't ever want Stefanie to feel like that. While we're aware that open adoption isn't for everyone, it was important to us that Stefanie had that option.

2.What do you want out of the adoption relationship with each other.
(Birth Mom) I wanted a really close friendship like BFF's. Someone I can call and talk to even if I was having a bad day and needed a friend. I think our friendship has blossomed more and I think of Val as like my soul sister. :)
(Adoptive Mom) Stef appreciates updates, pictures, visits and generally to have a continuing relationship with Olivia.
We don't have any expectations of things we'd like Stefanie to do for us/Olivia. However, she has done many wonderful and thoughtful things for us. She loves us and Bradshaw. She remembers and cares about important things in our life. She makes us feel special by spending time with us.
Generally, everyone in the adoption triad wants respect, understanding, patience and forgiveness (Dustinn and I are most definitely fallible!)
We are hopeful that an open adoption will help comfort and reassure Stefanie of her choice. We are hopeful that an open adoption will give Olivia answers, confidence and peace.

3.What do you both want for the child that was placed for adoption?
(Birth Mom) I want her to be happy and to know that she's always loved from all different sorts of families. Your blood doesn't define your family. It's those that are closest to you. I want her to WANT to know where she comes from and that it's an awesome thing that she's adopted
(Adoptive Mom)
(Incidentally, prior to Olivia's birth we were on a long car ride with Stefanie and we all took turns making wishes for Olivia.)
Olivia's just a toddler now. We want her world to be warm, welcoming, friendly. We want Olivia to feel safe.
As she grows, we want her to be able to discover her talents and interests and to find joy and fulfillment in using them to help others.
We want her to know that she is a beloved daughter of God. That she is of divine worth.
We want her to know that God was aware of her birth and life. That He will hear and answer her prayers.
We want her to have the confidence that comes from knowing who she is and knowing what life is about.
We want her to know that she is dearly loved by her parents, siblings, birth mom, birth dad, and all of her extended family (birth family definitely included.)
We want her to know being adopted makes her special.

4.How is your relation ship with each other?
(Birth Mom) With Val (the adoptive mom) We're like sisters. With Olivia (birthdaughter) she's only 13 months old. But I know she'll always grow up knowing who I am and that we'll be super close. Not so much a mother/daughter relationship but maybe like an aunt/niece relationship. Sounds weird. I hated that idea at first. But it makes sense.
(Adoptive Mom) Good! Right, Stef?
We communicate primarily via email. Which works really well for me. (While I am not a shy person. I tend to shy away from the phone.)

Stefanie lives in Utah, where a lot of my extended family also lives so we've visited Utah several times in the past year and have typically been able to see Stefanie and her family multiple times each visit. So we've had the chance to meet and get to know her boyfriend/fiance/now husband, to play games (hurrah for Kingsburg!) and catch up in person.

5. What would be advice you would give to other women considering adoption?
(Birth Mom) It's hard and take the time to know you're doing what's best for YOU and for YOUR BABY. You will be affected by it but your baby will be affected more by your choices. I would advise you to do a pro/cons list. Get counseling. Go to groups, if there are any available in your community. Write in your journal. Pray often. Do what it is that will help you.

6. What would be your advice to other hopeful adoptive couples?
(Birth Mom) After having gone through the adoption process and meeting so many wonderful couples. I know that you all have that precious spirit waiting to be born with you. And they're as excited as you are. I know times will be tough and it'll get discouraging but don't lose faith.
My other advice (it's going to be kind of harsh and to the point): Do NOT lead your birthmom on. Do NOT promise her something that you can't follow through with. Do NOT promise her an open adoption with all intentions to close it up after. We canNOT have PEACE without all the PIECES. A birthmom will find you that will fit into your family if that's what you like. Be true to yourself. We made all the promises and followed through with the adoption and gave you what you wanted. All we ask is that you return the favor. If you don't feel comfortable with an open adoption, research it. Find out more about it. You are most likely feeling uneasy because of the unknown. It's a wonderful experience and you would truely miss out and so will your future child.
(Adoptive Mom) Keep a journal! Daily if possible. You will go through the whole gamut of emotions and see miracles that you'll want to remember--and even more so you'll experience things that you'll want to be able to tell your adopted child.
The more you write, the more you'll see.
I would especially note the "warm fuzzies" (such as sweet quotes your child's birth family says, special connections you have with the birth family, first impressions, etc.)
Plus, you never know if something you've written will someday be an answer your child seeks.

7. How open is your adoption? What does OPEN mean to you?
(Birth Mom) I think it's super open. We don't live in the same state. But being as far away as we are, it's still close. We actually knew each other before. Dustinn (adoptive dad) is best friends with my brother in-law. And they found out I was pregnant and looking at options through my sister. I knew they were the perfect family already. Before I had Olivia, I flew out to Virginia and stayed with them for a week. Me and Val would call each other and E-mail. We both blog and she sends me pictures or will tell me something new about Olivia and sends me updates. It's awesome. When they're in town, we see each other. They let me babysit Olivia a few days after I had Olivia.
(Adoptive Mom) I believe it would be labeled as "very open."
We've seen each other many times since Olivia's been born. We've been in each other's homes. We love each other's extended family. We follow each other's blogs. We send pictures and give updates. We talk on the phone but mostly email.

8. What does your Open adoption look like today? Has anything changed? More open? Less open?
(Birth Mom) Today. It hasn't changed much. Except that our schedules are just so busy. She is taking care of two kids. I recently just got married. But when we have time we will E-mail. It's so convient just when you're on the computer and you only have a short amount of time that you can always get back on and E-mail back when you have time. I feel bad if she calls and I can't answer and I don't call back. And I don't want Dustinn or Val to feel obligated that they have to call me back right away and that I'll be angry forever. I know they'll get back to me when they can. They're great. I'm sure we're both nervous about stepping on eachother's toes but nothing too horrible has gone wrong. Haha.
(Adoptive Mom) It's only been a year. I guess the biggest change is my husband is now an MBA student--so we're on a student budget and will be traveling less this year than we did last year. Otherwise nothing has changed.
Equally open.


9. What were your insecurities about placing for adoption and about adopting?
(Birth Mom) I was afraid that Olivia wouldn't know that I loved her or that I didn't know who I was. That Dustinn and Val decided that I was somehow a threat (or a psycho) to her and their family and would cut off all contact. I'm afraid that later on that when Olivia gets older that she will choose on her own that she doesn't want contact with me. I don't want it to be that somehow a huge fight will happen and we won't ever talk to each other again.
(Adoptive Mom) -First we worried that we wouldn't be chosen by a birth mother.
-Shortly after Stefanie chose us, she flew from Utah to Virginia to spend time with us. I was worried if my bath tub was clean. I was worried if my cooking tasted good. I worried whether she was bored. I was worried about what she thought of our parenting. Mostly, I was worried if it was a week long interview. (Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Within hours of Stef arriving, she saw our son's worst behavior. ever. And she still placed with us!!! The week was extremely fun: the highlights being the times she opened up to us regarding what she was feeling and thinking.)
-During Stefanie's pregnancy, we worried about placement HARD. Every woman who goes through that is a superhero in my book.)
-Now, mostly we worry about letting Stefanie down. Not in terms of parenting or who we are. More in terms of maintaining the relationship (ie sending enough/the right pictures, finding the balance between visiting Stefanie without neglecting other relatives we have in Utah, etc.)
(And new worries will likely crop up as Olivia grows up. :)


10. How are you (the birth mom) known to the child? Are you called by name? a nickname? Are you known as the birth mom?

(Birth Mom) I'm just Stefanie. Nothing to special right now just because Olivia is barely one. I'm sure she'll just know me as Stefanie and she'll know that I'm her birthmom. She won't ever call me mom because I'm not raising her, Val is. Val is her mom.
(Adoptive Mom)
Olivia is only 13 months old so she does't talk a lot. :)
Stef and I talked about what she'd prefer. We decided Olivia will call her "Stef/Stefanie" and of course she will know that Stefanie is her birth mother, her angel.


11. Did you both come up with a story together on how the child would know he/she was placed for adoption and why? Or did just the AParent?
(Birth Mom) I haven't even thought about it. Haha. I know that Dustinn and Val will do a great job with that and that I don't really have to worry about it.
(Adoptive Mom) Stefanie made Olivia a beautiful picture album.
With Olivia, there will never be a "big reveal." She will always know that she's adopted, has a birth mother and birth father who love her dearly, and that she came to our family in a very special way.


12.Who named the child?

(Birth Mom) We both sort of did. What happened was that when I was planning on parenting. I was going to name her Olivia Nicole. Nic is the birthfather and so Nicole would be after him. I told Val that after I decided to place. And they decided to keep the first name Olivia and to change her middle name to Kate after Val's great-grandmother and her sister. It didn't upset me. I was kind of unsure about it at first and I didn't know if I liked how it sounded together. But it grew on me. And I look at her and she's DEFINITELY an Olivia Kate. Not an Olivia Nicole.
(Adoptive Mom)We named her together.
It makes me laugh to remember this detail about the night we'd found out Stefanie was placing with us. That day, out of the blue, we'd received a package in the mail. When we opened the package we saw an ultrasound picture and the caption "it's a girl!" Beneath the picture was a letter that started "I wanted to let you know what you're having." (Thinking about it still gives me chills.)
We had company in town so Dustinn and I went out walking in the dark, warm summer night to call Stefanie. After squeals, tears and excitedly talking at the same time, she asked, "so....what are you going to name her?" "Oh Stef, we have no idea! We just found out we're going to be parents a few minutes ago."
We spent the next couple of days thinking about it. Stefanie had told us "if I was keeping her I would name her Olivia" but she in no way pressured us to choose that name. We'd previously planned on giving all our children family names. Then we had this "ah-ha!" moment: Olivia would be a family name--from Stefanie's side. (It also helped that we think Olivia is a beautiful name.)
Olivia's middle name is Kate after my Great Grandmother and my sister. A lot of people don't know their great grandparents very well but that is not the case for me. I spent many summers having sleep-overs at her house, eating her delicious cooking, doing cartwheels in her yard, and eating vegetables straight from their garden. Only after my own bout with infertility were my eyes opened to my Great Grandma's trials with wanting children. She was always cheerful and charitable.
13.Anything else you want to add?
(Adoptive Mom)

Yes! You asked specifically for a birth mom and adoptive parent story combined, so I focused on the relationship between Stefanie and I.
However, Olivia's story is incomplete without her amazing birth dad!
We got to know him and became friends before Olivia was born and continue to communicate and see him often. He loves Olivia very much.
He recently got married and he & his wife are an important part of our lives.