Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Family time...

Sorry everyone, I have family in right now, my oldest daughter is graduating from Highschool today and I have had family in since last week. As soon as they leave next week I will get on a new story! I hope everyone is doing well! Just enjoy re-reading the many great stories already shared.
I am looking for more stories to share... please email me if you want to or know someone who wants to. Thanks

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Advice for Birth Mothers TO BE from Birth Mothers

I asked my Birth Mother friends if they would share one or two things that they would share with a Birth Mom to be. I am so thankful that these ladies are willing to share their thoughts with you.

#1 Taren:
(a Birth Mom who has placed and kept. She is also apart of Birth Mom group.)
Taren says,"to an expecting mother... i think its important to know that you have been given this child to make sure you do what ever is best for not just yourself but especially the child... keeping or placing and its not a matter of whether you can do it or not, of course you can! Its not a matter of whether you want this baby, of course you do! but what does this baby deserve and how will you get that for him or her and can you?... is that maybe by marrying the birth father... or choosing one who has been married to an amazing woman that unfortunately cannot have any babies of her own?
Follow your heart and know that only you can give this baby the best life possible.
Placing your child doesn't mean it has to be the end. There are many couples who will welcome not just the baby you give them, but you as well as family.

#2Desha: (her adoption video is always on the top left side of this blog. She has placed a child)
Desha says,"my top 3 pieces of advice....
~ talk to an adoption attorney beforehand, (regardless of what your caseworker or agency has told you), to find out the rights of everyone involved.
~have a signed/notarized post placement contact agreement before the baby is born, regardless of how well you know and/or like the couple AND regardless of whether or not you know what sort of contact you want after placement- a good baseline/starting off point is an email update and 10 pictures every two weeks until re-negotiated by both the birth mother and the adoptive couple at a later date.
~ you want it to be a happy experience? then make it be just that, adoption is what you make of it... with sentimental exchanges at the giving and receiving, a photographer to capture the candid moments, preparation in advance for placement day, not having an attitude of 'this is the end', etc.

#3 Carol:( Carol has children and placed a child for adoption, just married and is pregnant)
Carol says,"Always put the lord first in your decisions, he NEVER let's you down.
Sharing a precious life that we have been handed is an amazing experience.
Adoption has been an experience I have never thought I would be a part of, and am so grateful I am and will always be a part of that bond!!"

#4 Elyse:( she placed a child)
Elyse says,"I would advise her to be true to her heart above all else. An adoption will never be successful if she isn't 100 percent sure of her motives, the adoptive parents, or anything else, it will haunt her if she's not"

#5 Brianna( just recently placed a child)
Brianna says,"Being a birth mom is AMAZING!!! I love it. Although i do miss my son sometimes, i know it was the best thing for him. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and probably will ever do, but it was also the best. It's also been a blessing for me and the adoptive parents. I love seeing pictures of them. They love him so much, and that is EXACTLY the type of parents i wanted him to have."

#6 Jennilee ( a birth mom who placed a child) She says,"What I would recommend is spend time with your baby, take lots of pictures, write your feelings down. Have a good support system, have open communication with the adoptive family about openness and be open to change how much contact you need as you may not know what you want right now. Take time for you. Let yourself grieve. Pamper yourself. "

Last comment to Adoptive Couples from Taren :
She says,"I think that it is important for potential adoptive couple to know that there is no reason to feel threatened by birth moms. Yes, we love this child but that is why we are placing them with you. We want better for these babies and choose you because we know in our hearts you will do give our child that. I've talked with a few birth mom's who have had issues with the couple not wanting to have contact anymore and though it breaks their heart they all say they know the baby is meant for the family and don't regret doing what they know was best for the child even if at the time their own heart was breaking. When the couples show they love us and trust us just as much as we trust them I think it makes the connection comes with adoption that much greater as well as the level of respect between all the parents involved. How wonderful that can be for the child!"

Thank you ladies for your input and advice! HUGS!!!!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Sara Groves - It's Going To Be Alright

Turn off my music at the bottom of page to hear this beautiful song :)

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Happy Birth Mother's Day!

I just wanted to take a moment and wish all my guest bloggers, and all the birth mothers that read this blog a VERY HAPPY BIRTH MOTHER'S DAY!

My friend Desha said it best,"It's a day for birthmothers to unite and be honored for the gift of life that they gave twice--once in birth, once in placement!"

Thank you ladies for the light and example you are to everyone. So many people here support you and love you!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

A Journey Angels did attend...

This beautiful story is from Andee.... I love the details in it! It really touched me! Especially at the end where she felt angels attending all that she did!

It was valentines day.
(I bought a box of pregnancy tests earlier that week because, after the terrible day we made the mistake, I had been paranoid about being pregnant. which is wierd since we only messed up once. once.)

While I was getting ready I was thinking about the pregnancy tests. At this point I had taken one and it had come back negative, so I was sure I wasn't but I wanted to be absolutely positive. I grabbed one of them, looked at Kris and told him I was going to take it just to stop me from stressing out so much.
I took the test, and about 3 minutes later looked at it and I only saw one line.
I walked out, told Kris it was negative, and proceeded to get ready.
I don't know why, but I didn't throw the test away. So when I went back into my room to change my clothes, I glanced back down at the pregnancy test.
next to the 1st line was a really light pink line. I had to double take at first and when I saw the line I yelled for Kris to come look.
"does that look like another line to you?" I asked him. I was starting to panic.

His eyes got really big and he looked at me. "go take the other one." he said. I ran to the kitchen, drank a huge glass of water, and within 15 minutes I was able to take the other test.
It felt like centuries to get the results from this test.
Sure enough, there was a light pink line next to the first again.
"these lines are too light" I told him "this isn't good enough. maybe the test is just broken"

Our Dinner reservations were in a half hour. "let's just go to dinner." he said. "we'll buy another test afterwards." I agreed but wasn't sure how I was going to make it through all of dinner.
I can honestly say that I don't remember what I ate, or even what the restauraunt looked like. I was too stressed out. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. Buying another test was the only thing on my mind, and it wouldn't subside.

When dinner was finally over, I pretty much ran to the car. We drove straight to Albertsons, and bought a different brand of pregnancy tests this time. This box had two in it.
I ran to the bathroom, and took another test.
I waited for what seemed like an eternity, and looked at it.
the + sign was really really light again.
This was not good enough. Unless the line was dark, I wasn't going to believe the stupid thing.
"Just wait until tomorrow Andee. It might just be too soon to tell." said Kris. "fine." I said. "but I'm buying this one too." I grabbed the test that actually says "pregnant" or "not pregnant" digitally. That way I wouldn't have to play games with the tests anymore.

Kris brought me back to my apartment, I said bye to him and went straight to bed. I couldn't sleep that night...When I woke up, I immediately took the last test from the + or - box.
the + sign was darker than the 3 previous tests, but not dark enough for me.
I left for class and hardly made it through my first one. I was not going to go through the rest of my classes like this. I skipped my others, and went home. I was taking this last one and it was digital so I would know for sure. It was the moment of truth.

I got home, grabbed the test and headed straight for the bathroom. After taking it I sat there staring at the hourglass on the test. please be negative. I thought. PLEASE.

I put my face in my hands and said a quick prayer.
this can't be positive.
When I looked down, my stomach twisted and I felt as if I was going to throw up. My eyes became blurry with tears as I read the word "pregnant" on the test.
this cannot be happening to me!! no!

I began sobbing. I went to my room, laid on my bed and cried and cried. About a half an hour later I called the clinic behind my apartment.
"I think I'm pregnant. I need to come in to confirm it."
"have you taken a pregnancy test?"
"yes. five."
"were any of them positive?"
"yes. all of them."
"wow. okay, well you're pregnant. There is no need to come in. Is this a good or a bad thing?"
"it's bad."
I couldn't stop crying. I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare.
I hung up the phone and called Kris. After telling him the news, I grabbed my keys and went to my car. I had to get out of my apartment.

That night, my mom called me. 30 seconds into the conversation she could tell something was wrong. I got off the phone with her before she could ask anymore questions. I was not ready to tell her.

not even five minutes later, my dad texted me telling me he had a bad feeling about something and that I needed to be completely honest with him. I didn't reply. I didn't know what to say. I was at my aunts house babysitting. The kids were in bed and Kris was there talking about what we should do. That was when my dad called.
He asked me what was going on. I could barely talk.
he began asking me a bunch of questions, that of which I did not respond to because I was sobbing and couldn't control my voice.
"Andee if you get pregnant!...." he began to say.
"I am pregnant dad!" my crying was now very noticable.
"she's pregnant" he said to my mom. "we're coming over"
Within minutes they were at the front door. They came in and told Kris that he better leave. My mom pushed him out the door and slammed it shut.

That was when they turned to me. They yelled for about 10 minutes. They told me how irresponsible this decision was, and asked me what I plan on doing. Then my mom told me she was staying with the kids until my aunt came home and to go home with my dad.

I got in his car and it was almost completely silent on the way home. He asked me two questions. One was what I was thinking of doing. When I responded marriage he asked me why I loved him. I then tried to think of reasons why I loved him....I tried.
When we pulled into the garage, I followed my dad to the bottom of the stairs. He stopped when we got there, turned around, and started crying. That was the worst part. I wished so badly he were still yelling. I would have rather him been yelling. He never cries.
He then grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. All I could say was I'm sorry. I said it over and over as we stood there and cried. We then went to their room and talked about my options. My Dad told me that he was going to tell me his opinion, and what he thinks I should do, then after that he wasn't going to say a word. He explained that he thought I should place for adoption. But that was it.

For the first few weeks I decided that I wanted to get married. I wanted to keep the baby. it was my baby. I bought a dress, but was not excited. I was in a bad mood all of the time and was not ever happy. I kept praying for an answer. I WANTED marriage to be right. I wanted things to work out. I wanted it so badly that I refused to listen to my answer. For weeks I ignored my feelings, but I continued praying for an answer. I was becoming so frustrated. One day I finally Knelt down and said a prayer asking that if marriage was not the right thing, then to give Kris the second thoughts that I had the entire time.
He had been all for marriage from the beginning and never showed any sign of second thoughts.

A couple days after I prayed for that answer, we were driving home from getting our marriage license. When we were almost home, Kris explained that we needed to talk. He said that he had been thinking a lot lately and he wanted to talk. We pulled into his driveway and parked the car. He started explaining that he wasn't sure this was the right thing. He then went on to tell me things I had never heard before. He told me things that I had asked him about before I even discovered I was pregnant. He had obviously not been honest with me.

I sat in shock the entire time. I could not believe what he was telling me. I began to cry, took the ring off my finger and gave it to him. "so should we think about this for a while?" he asked. "yes." I said. I had already made my decision. Kris was having second thoughts. It was an answer to my prayers. The minute he got out of the car, I received a text from my mom "do you need me?" I was confused as to how she knew what was going on, and when exactly to text me. "yes" was my reply.
She called me right after that. She was crying, and I was crying. She told me to meet her at the park. We got there around the same time, and her and my dad walked up to me and gave me a hug.
After asking my mom how she knew, she told me that Kris had gone to her before he came to me. He told her all his second thoughts.
My mom KNEW that once he told me, it would be a deal breaker.

We sat on the bleachers, my dad wrapped a blanket around me and they both sat down and hugged me. I knew what this meant. I had received my answer, but it wasn't the answer I wanted. It wasn't the answer I was hoping for. This was my baby. I wanted to raise my baby. It was my baby. Mine.
We talked for an hour. I explained to them that I didn't want to make ths little baby suffer from my mistakes. I didn't want to make my child go between parents every weekend. I wanted it to have a mom and dad that loved eachother.

I was going to place for adoption.
The next few days, I had a hard time getting up in the mornings. I had to force myself to go to work everyday. I just wanted to stay in bed. I was so depressed. Everyday my mom would tell me that I needed to start looking at profiles. She kept saying
"the sooner the better. The sooner you find someone, the easier things will be."
Every time she would say that I would think "yeah right! once I find someone, it will mean that I really am placing this baby. it will be even worse." I cried myself to sleep every night, and every night my mom would come lay next to me, talk to me about my situation and tell me that I would feel better after finding the adoptive couple.

A couple days after I called off the wedding, we met with LDSFS to start the adoption process. My case worker asked me to write a list of the kind of family I wanted my baby to go to. I remember writing a huge long list. I wrote in many different ways that I wanted them to be in love.
I wanted my baby to be loved unconditionally.

I wanted the adoptive couple to love each other unconditionally.

My mom kept telling me that I needed to be realistic, and that what I was writing was not realistic, because I wrote a lot of really picky things. But I knew what I wanted, and they were out there. It was just hard to put it in words on paper.

After meeting with my case worker, I finally decided that I needed to start searching for the perfect couple. I got on itsaboutlove.org and started looking through the thousands of families looking to adopt. for the first couple of days, I wrote down every couple that I liked and that impressed me. I probably had at least 50 written down. About three days later, I decided I needed to start narrowing it down. This took hours to do, but I finally narrowed it down to my top five favorite. These 5 couples were all amazing and their profiles really impressed me.

After that I set the list aside, and didn't look at it for a couple of days.

About 2 days after I wrote my list, my mom received a phone call from one of her close friends sisters, Lisa. Lisa told her that she knew a couple that was trying to adopt and that she felt impressed to tell us. My mom received calls like this every day, so she didn't think much of it. But when Lisa told her that I could look up their profile on itsaboutlove.org, and that their names were D & A it caught her attention.

My mom had heard their names before. After getting off of the phone with Lisa, she went to look at my list. D & A were my number 2. My mom couldn't believe it.

When I arrived home from work that day my mom told me the story. The second she said D & A I became excited. I knew I liked them.

The next day I met with Melissa and brought my list with me. I told her that I wanted to set up an appointment to meet with both D & A and my #1 couple. She agreed and told me she would call me when she had a date and time set up.

The next day Melissa called me and explained that she had gotten ahold of D & A immediately and that I was to meet with them Tuesday April 15th, at 6:00 pm. She then went on to tell me that she could not get ahold of the first couple, but that she would try again after I met with D & A.

I agreed and was really excited, yet really scared to meet them. I arrived at the agency at 5:30 to meet with Melissa first. She asked me if I had come up with any questions I was going to ask them. I had thought about it, but I mostly just wanted to get to know them. I wanted to know about them.
At 6:00 D & A's case worker Pam, walked in and said they were there. I felt this overwhelming feeling of comfort. My whole body relaxed as I walked into the room we were going to meet in and sat down on the couch.

About a minute later I saw a beautiful girl walk past the room. I stared at the door. I knew that was her. Sure enough she turned around and walked into the room. She was holding a bouquet of flowers and had the sweetest smile on her face I had ever seen.

The second she stepped into the room I felt the spirit overcome me. I stood up and hugged her. "Hi, I'm A." she said.

It's hard to put in words the way I felt after that. I knew her from somewhere. I felt like we had been lifelong friends.

I knew her.

She gave me the flowers and sat down on the couch next to mine. Just seconds after that D walked in. I knew I had seen him before as well. He gave me a hug, said "Hi I'm D" and sat on the couch next to A. I stared at both of them in amazement

This was the couple I had been searching for.

The conversation began flowing, and continued to the entire time. We talked , laughed and shared interests. They told me everything I wanted to know about them, not only by words but by the way they presented themselves. You could tell they were absolutely amazing people by just looking at them. I could tell they were truly in love; Best friends.

When what seemed like minutes, an hour had gone by. Our caseworkers told us it was time to wrap things up. Melissa asked D and A to write their email address down in case I had anymore questions and that we would let them know when I made my decision.

Once she said that I realized that no one knew I had already made my decision. The moment they walked into the room I had made my decision.

There is nothing I can say that could describe the overwhelming feeling I felt. There are not words that will emphasize how much I knew this couple was my babys parents.

I just knew.

I looked at Meilssa, then back at D and A. A (adoptive mom to be) was writing their email address on a piece of paper. "Actually." I said "I already made my decision." She ( A) looked up from writing and sat back. Dustin looked at her and then they both looked back at me. "can I tell you my decision now?" I asked Melissa "oh yeah of course." she said

I didn't know how to say it. D and A were just staring at me. I couldn't read the emotion in either of their faces. "I want you guys to be the parents." I said as tears filled my eyes. It was all I could get out.

A (Adoptive Mom to be) covered her mouth with her hands and started crying. D just stared at me I could now see emotion in his face.

I couldn't stop staring at either of them. I was looking at the parents of my child. I don't remember what was said after that. all I remember was there was whole lot of hugging and many tears. Happy tears.

That night, I received an email from them. I was so excited and immediately emailed them back. I asked them if they wanted to go to Dinner that weekend, and that I wanted to bring my parents so that they could meet them. Sure enough we set up a day and time and we met at Olive Garden. The meeting went well and we talked non-stop the entire time. They gave me their phone numbers as we were leaving, and D texted me while we were on our way home.
"I just wanted to let you know that I always told A(adoptive Mom to be) that when she got pregnant, I would get her anything she was craving at any time of night. The same goes for you."

I laughed, and thanked him.
These really were some AMAZING people.

A couple of days later, I asked them if they wanted to come to the Doctor Appointments with me. I wanted it to seem like (A) was the one pregnant. I wanted her to experience the pregnancy with me. It made things easier for me. It helped me feel that she would bond with the baby as much as me. It made it easier for me to call her the mom and not me. So they did. I was only 14 weeks along when we met, so they only missed the very first appointment. When we got to the hospital, and went back into our room, our nurse told me that we were going to hear the heartbeat. I was So excited. When the doctor came in and put the monitor on my stomach, it became silent.

He moved it around for a while and we kept hearing little thuds. "Do you hear that?" said Dr. Terry. "That is the baby kicking." I was speechless. This was so wierd! he moved it around a little more and stopped. "There's the heartbeat" he said.

A (adoptive Mom to be) and I both looked at eachother and smiled. W O W.

We listened for about 15 seconds, and the doctor started talking again. "Well, from the sound of the heartbeat, I predict it's a girl!" I laughed. "How often are you right?" He looked at me and smiled. "About 50% of the time".

A week later, we decided to go to Fetal Foto to find out the sex of the baby. They said that they could find out as early as 15 weeks, so we went as early as possible. That's the most exciting part of a pregnancy! My mom came with me to this, as well as D & A(of course). When the Ultrasonographer put the camera on my stomach, and I saw the profile on the screen in front of me, I stared in shock. Up on that screen was a baby. a baby! It had not actually hit me that I was having a baby until that moment
As she went on to look at the profile of the baby, my throat became really tight. I could not believe that there was a little child inside of me. I looked at Dustin and Andrea, and their eyes were fixed on the screen. They were seeing their baby for the very first time. All of the sudden the Ultrasonographer said

"okay it looks like you're having a little girl."

My head spun around to look at her. "what?" I asked. "look" She said, pointing at the screen. I looked back at D and A and they were grinning. I was so happy for them, but at the same time I ached. I LOVED girls. I wanted this baby! I felt a stabbing pain in my chest. I wanted her. I smiled at them. It took everything in me to hold back tears throughout the rest of the ultrasound. I looked at my mom and she was looking at the screen. I couldn't read her expression but I knew she was feeling the pain as well. I looked back at D and A and they were staring at me. I smiled at them again and then quickly looked back at the screen to hide the tears in my eyes.

When we were done, we went back to the waiting room while they created the video and printed off the pictures. I sat on the couch. A (adoptive mom to be)sat next to me on one side and my mom on the other. "how are you doing?" my mom asked. That was it. I couldn't hold it in anymore. "This sucks." I said as I burst into tears. A (adoptive Mom to be) began to cry as well and put her arm around me.
She hugged me.

I couldn't stop crying. I tried as hard as I could to stop. I didn't want them to worry about me. They were supposed to be enjoying the moment. They had just found out they were having a girl. I didn't want to ruin the moment.

"I hope she looks just like you" said D.

I looked at him and smiled. "thanks." I said. Here they were trying to make me feel better. They didn't have to do this. I wished I could stop. I didn't want to make them feel like they couldn't be excited. They needed to be excited.

When they finally brought the pictures and video out, we walked out the door. A (adoptive Mom to be) hugged me again and we stood there for a while. I was crying. She was crying. These people were amazing.

When I got in the car I looked at my mom. I knew she was trying to be strong for me. We both began to cry and gave eachother a hug. My mom is a strong person.
As the weeks went by, we saw each other more and more.

I worked at eBay, and after about a month, D and A started bringing me dinner. They did this almost every night. We talked about everything during these dinner breaks, and learned so many things about each other. These were amazing people.
(did I mention that these are AMAZING people?)

One day I was sitting at work and texting them. I was talking to D (adoptive Dad to be) and I asked him if they had decided on what they were going to name the baby yet. When he texted me back I was not expecting the tears that came after I read it. He told me that they had decided on the name Avery Leigh.

Leigh is my middle name.

He said that they wanted to give meaning to her name, and they wanted her to remember her birth mom.
I didn't know what to say. All I could do was thank both of them through text, and cry.

The months went on, and by the time I was 9 months along I was ready to have the baby. I was getting so anxious, and felt as ready as I would ever be. My due date was October 25th. I got to my weekly checkups, and everytime I would leave in a bad mood. Every appointment they would tell me that nothing was happening. I hadn't even started thinning.

Let's just say, the people that I came in contact with the last few weeks of my pregnancy... I owe each and every one of them an apology.

I was in a bad mood everyday.
I didn't know why this baby wasn't coming. I was an emotional wreck.
I felt fat,
I wasn't dilated or even THINNED,
every doctors appointment was bad news,
I was WAITING to go through something I was not looking forward too when I would rather get it over and done with,
on top of all that
my best friend had just died.

I felt like It would be easier to cope if I could deal with all of it at once; especially when I knew I was going to have to soon.

October 25th came and nothing.

was I ever going to have this baby?

On October 26th, I am pretty sure I cried all day long. I wanted to have this baby more than anything.

Why wasn't she coming?
Why was she taking so long?

That night, while I was laying next to my mom and complaining, (this had been a regular occurrence lately) She got up and said "I'm hungry. Let's go to Mcdonalds" I looked at her, confused. "Okay..."
she then told me to put on some tennis shoes because we were walking there.

Normally I would have been against this little idea, but I knew that it would have to do SOMETHING for me to walk that far. It was at least 3 miles away.

We walked all the way, my mom was so patient with me. I complained about my situation the whole way there and cried. She simply just listened and talked to me about it.

That day, I came to the conclusion that my mom is truly my best friend. No one else would have put up with me like she was.

When we got to McDonalds I had blisters on my feet. My mom called my dad & had him pick us up so that we didn't have to have to walk all the way home.

The next day, D & A and I decided to meet for dinner and then go to my house afterwards to play games. We did this every week. For dinner, we decided to go to the little Chinese restaurant by my house.

While we were eating I had my first real contraction

I wasn't sure if I should get excited or not because I had been getting contractions for weeks and nothing was happening.

On the way back to my house I had another one. These contractions were all a lot more intense. When we arrived at my house, we started setting up the game. This was when I started having them close to 5 minutes apart.

My mom kept saying that I was faking it. I began trying to convince her that I really was having them. "you told me earlier today that you were going to fake it." she said.

That was true. But I wasn't faking it.

My Dad on the other hand said he believed I was going to have her by the next day. My mom decided that we would go for a walk in the park, and if I was still having them we would go to the hospital.

D and A pulled out their camera and started taking pictures. They didn't want to miss anything if this was for real.

We walked to the park and back. Sure enough, I was still having them. The feeling that surrounded us was so intense. You could feel every one's excitement, and anxiety.

When we finally decided to go to the hospital, D and A followed behind us all the way there. At one point they called and asked if we thought this was really it.

When we arrived, the nurse checked me and announced that I was dilated to a 1 and 70% effaced. I was SO HAPPY. Even though it was only a 1, at least it was something! She then proceeded to tell me that if it's not a three, they have to get permission from the Doctor to keep me there.

We were so anxious. I was praying that they would admit me. It was 11:00 pm, so they had to ask the doctor working the graves that night.

When he finally came in,
he said that because I hadn't been thinned at all at my last appointment,
he would admit me and start me on medicine to speed up the process.

I looked over at D and A. I couldn't help but feel excited for them. They were grinning. I couldn't believe that it was finally here!

The Doctor proceeded to tell D and A that it would be a while until I had the baby, and recommended that they go home and get a good nights rest, because it would probably be their last. They gave me a hug, wished me luck, and left.

That night was painful. The medicine they gave me was definitely making my contractions extremely painful. I couldn't sleep. My mom was there with me sleeping on the little bench by the window. I tried really hard to be quiet because I knew that she needed her sleep, but I was in pain. I cried a lot. I wanted the epidural, but every time the nurse would come in and check me, she would say that nothing had changed. I had to be dilated to a 3 in order to receive an epidural.

at around 7 am, they checked me again and told me that I was dilated to a 3 and that my doctor would be there in an hour. what?? no I wanted the epidural NOW.

They explained that before I received my epidural, my Dr. had to check me and approve.

It was the longest hour of my life.

Once he came he checked me, and confirmed that I could proceed with the epidural. Within minutes the anesthesiologist was in my room.

The second the pain was gone, I wanted to hug him.
I thanked him, and fell right to sleep.

I was in and out of consciousness the whole day. I was so tired, but D and A were there, and so was my family. I didn't want to just sleep. At 2 pm, the nurse came in and checked me. She told me that I was dilated to a 9!

I was so excited!
The nurse got my doctor and for the next few hours they worked on turning her around. They thought they had gotten her turned, and by about 5:00, the doctor came in and she had flipped back around completely. Finally he just turned her really quickly, and then left to go help perform a c-section.

About a minute later, he came running back into my room and said "Her heart rate is dropping, it's baby time."

I wanted D and A there to see their daughter born. They stood up by my head and watched as Avery was born. It was the most spiritual experience I have ever had in my life.

It all happened so fast.

I remember looking over at D and A as they walked in. Within minutes Dr. Terry held up a beautiful baby girl, and she started crying.

Avery Leigh.
born at 5:17 pm, on October 28th 2008.

I sat in awe and stared at her. She had ten fingers. Ten toes. She had 2 arms and 2 legs. What a miracle she was.

They then laid Avery on my chest. I held on to her. I couldn't stop crying, or staring at her. D and A cut the chord and the nurse wrapped her in a blanket. I immediately pulled her to my chest. I couldn't stop staring at her. Her beautiful eyes.
I didn't ever want let her go.

I looked up for the first time since she was born. D nd A were standing there with tear stained faces just staring at her. I looked at my mom. She was crying.
I asked A(adoptive Mom to be) If she w
anted to hold her. "no, you can hold her." she said. I could tell she was just aching to hold her daughter. I looked down at my beautiful Angel again, and then gave her to A(Adoptive Mom) "You can hold her."
Watching A (Adoptive MOm)
gently take her from my arms and hold her for the first time was amazing. I will forever remember that moment. She was so in love with this little Angel. This was her daughter.

A(adoptive Mom) and Avery both just stared at each other the whole time. The spirit was so strong. We all just sat and watched this tender moment.

The next person to hold her was D. If anyone has ever seen a new father hold his little girl for the very first time, you can comprehend maybe a little as to how touching this was. What an amazing father D was. They stared into each others eyes forever. Avery knew this was her dad.

They placed her back in my arms after this, and I just stared at her again. She was beautiful.
The next day, exactly 24 hours after Avery was born, I signed relinquishment papers. Normally you do this when you are placing her, but because of issues with the birth father, I didn't want to risk anything. I signed them as soon as possible.

This was the hard part. Listening to every word they would read, and signing all of those papers killed me. I held Avery in my arms while I did this. I never wanted to let her go. They read every word out loud. They said things like,
"After signing these papers you will no longer have any rights to this child."

"Signing these papers indicate that you will no longer be her mother."
"This takes every right you have to this baby away"
"All your rights will be terminated. Relinquished."

It was like they were looking for every word they could possibly think of that would rip my heart out. It killed me. At the very end, they asked me to explain why I was doing this. are you serious? I thought. "Is that really necessary?" my dad asked. They explained that it was because I had to show that I was not being coerced into doing this.

I was crying, bawling. I could hardly talk and they wanted me to explain to them why I was doing this!? All I could say was, "Because I love her. and I want her to have a mom and a dad that love each other." I hugged her tighter.

Once that was over I took a deep breath. Considering the situation, I could not believe how calm I felt. I knew what i was doing, but it was okay. I knew without a doubt that this was the right thing. I didn't have any second thoughts. Not at all. I couldn't believe it.
The next day I had all to myself. I asked that I have no visitors. I wanted to spend time with her. Just me and Avery. I wanted to hold her and be her mom for one day. I can honestly tell you that I hardly slept the entire time I was at the hospital. I probably had about 3 hours of sleep all together. I didn't WANT to sleep.

I wanted to look at her.

Play with her.

Sing to her.

Hug her.

Hold her.

Feed her.

I didn't have time to sleep. I could hardly tell that I was even tired.
On October 30th, 2008 at 5:00 pm, D &A Arrived to pick up their baby girl.

I felt at peace with all of it. I was so calm. There were tears throughout my entire hospital stay, yes. But when it came the time for me to give her to them, I was okay. I was at peace. The Spirit was Strong. I felt Angels surrounding all of us.

Watching her mom and dad hold her the day we left was even more comforting.
They loved her so much. I Knew she was in the best hands, and would be loved unconditionally, just like I had hoped for.

About an hour after they arrived, I gave Avery another big kiss and huge hug, and placed her in A's arms.

A put her in her car seat. I stood up gave both her a D a huge long hug, and sat in the wheelchair outside my door.

On the car ride home, I cried. I cried for days. But I never second guessed my decision. From the moment I met D &A I knew she was theirs. From the moment she was born, I knew she was theirs. I love Avery more than I thought I could ever love someone. She is my little Angel. She has truly changed my life for the better.

These things that have happened to me are pieces of me. They have made me who I am today.

I am truly blessed to have met such amazing people. I am so happy to have found the perfect couple for Avery. I am so happy that through adoption, I have a relationship that will last forever

D and A are not just friends. They are like family.

I am so grateful to them for being so willing to have an open adoption with me.
It's so wonderful to always know how Avery is doing. It's so great that I can watch her grow up. She is truly my Angel sent from heaven, and the most loved and spoiled little girl I know.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Birth Mother's Day May 8th!

Just wanting to remind everyone that Birth Mother's Day is this Saturday... MAY 8th!
If you know a Birth Mother, tell her how special she is to you. If you have a Birth Mother in your life, let her know how much you love her, a home made gift or time with that special child that you share would mean so much to her.