Thursday, October 14, 2010

Thankful for God's Hands in my Adoption...

I had just move out to Arizona from Oklahoma where I grew up (had left bible college behind..which I regret screwing up)..the only person I knew there was my aunt..I had a great job at a mortgage company and my very first apartment..I was 20 and loving life on my own. I had came from a very sheltered life style and was so innocent, until my cousin came into state from Cali…with his stripper girlfriend. She just moved her self into my place and took over..ugh..I started partying a little but never went out with them..I was too young… my cousin introduced me to a friend’s friend. This guy’s name was Dave..Dave was super sweet and calm..he was a good family oriented guy I could tell right away… I definitely wanted to get to know him better… we hung out a few times went on dates… he was soo funny… an all around good person. Then after a few months. 2 days before my 21st birthday I found out I was pregnant… ooooh man! Was I ever scared! I was scared to tell Dave. I had no idea how he would react. Well, he was shocked but decided to stay with me and we decided to raise this baby together.. his family is catholic and he did NOT want to tell his parents (I didn’t want to tell mine either)… he suggested we get married… I told him no, I just wasn’t ready for that (or a baby really but I was against abortion and adoption) so I knew I was going to have the baby and glad he decided to stay.

We both ended up telling our families, and of course everyone was shocked and a lil upset… but they came around. I was an emotional wreck while pregnant… I had no control over my feelings it was very strange for me. I would cry all the time… then laugh cause I had no idea why I was crying... Dave wasn’t very considerate of my feelings all the time.. or so I thought.. so I cried more.. lol and around 7 ½ months my boss decided to fire me!
For no reason… I was GREAT at my job…. even winning awards the months before and getting a promotion! He did not like pregnant women on his “team” I had heard him say that a few times to others… he told me I HAD to quit cause if he fired me it would look bad being I was pregnant and it was 2 days before Christmas… I felt I had no choice… so I quit with the promise that he would pay me for the next month.

So there it was… I was very pregnant and job-less and Dave had been throwing around the word adoption for a month before that… after losing my job, I lost my apartment and felt that Dave would be gone next… I couldn’t raise a baby alone and I was now living with that stripper friend of my cousins. I hated it and knew I couldn’t bring the baby back there. I had nowhere to go and no family to help (I don’t have a mom or dad) I thought about moving in with Dave but he had a roommate and his roomies girlfriend lived with them. They didn’t want a baby there... so I felt like I had no choice. I brought up adoption to Dave and that week we had found an agency and everything happen so quick after that. I just wish I had more time, that’s all I needed…

Dave and I had looked through some hopeful parents files and had narrowed it down to 2 couples. Man was that a hard decision... both couples deserving and how hard was it to turn down one. I had my family pray about it and friends and they had people praying too Everyone got a copy of the 2 files and everyone came to a decision on the same ones that me & Dave picked out. Jennifer and Jason were the new parents of “Ethan Daniel/Michael” couldn’t decided on a middle name yet. I couldn’t wait to tell them. I was excited to make them happy. This would be their first child and mine too. It was hard to see them so happy though, because I wanted to be them. I wanted to have him and be happy, but I knew it wasn’t going to work that way so right at a month after telling Jen and Jason that we had chose them, I had my baby boy. Man it was an amazing feeling holding him for the first time..Dave cried like a baby... so did I. My aunt was also there and my grandma. Everyone supported our decision. I cried the whole time I was in the hospital. I couldn’t stop! I held him and kissed him and prayed once more that God would show me I made the right decision. On the night before we left, Dave was going to go home and get rest before he left the 3 of us laid in the hospital bed and cried and hugged each other(geez, im crying now)
He asked me if we could keep him lol as if he were a puppy. I had been wanting him to say that for so long... as if I needed his approval. My first thought when he asked this was on Jennifer, Ethan’s new mom, I could just see how crushed she would be if I had changed my mind and I didn’t need to give it a second thought. I told Dave NO WE CAN'T KEEP HIM. We already promised Jennifer and Jason a baby, there was no turning back. I felt good about saying that but was angry with him for now bringing this up sooner. This next part is hard to share. I’m crying just thinking about that day I left the hospital without him.

So…the next day around noon Ethan’s parents came to pick him up..I did ok, until we got out the door and they had to take him to put him in their car.I DID NOT want to let go.I wasn’t ready.I WASN’T READY!
We were all crying. I don’t remember who took him out of my arms, but I remember how it felt. My heart broke into a million pieces! I felt like I was dying! I wanted to die. I wasn’t ready to let him go. He was MY baby... I wanted him! On the way home Dave and I didn’t talk. I was thinking in my head how angry I was at him. I felt like it was his fault... like he should have never mentioned adoption to me, like he should have manned up and said NO we are keeping our baby, but he didn’t and I was too weak to. So Dave dropped me off at my empty apartment (I had sold everything but my mattress to pay rent) I was all alone. No job, no baby, and I had found an eviction notice that my roommate had on the counter. Could life get any worse??? I knew me and Dave would come to an end. I don’t know how we could stay together. I was starting to resent him. Sure enough 6 weeks later. I had nothing! I was days away from being homeless and still crying every night over my baby. I tried to commit suicide. I wanted to die sooo bad but I just couldn’t do it, because I didn’t want my son to grow up and not know me. Hes the only reason I stuck around…

Jennifer and Jason are sooo perfect for him! I am soo thankful that God picked them to be his parents. They ended up naming him: Zachary Ethan.
I am extremely thankful that they chose open adoption and have allowed me to visit. I can’t get enough pictures of him. I love seeing how happy he is and while it was a rough start 5 ½ years later..it’s a little easier and I am completely confident in my decision! I just wish I lived closer so I can visit more. They adopted a baby girl in august of 08.

When I started the adoption process I was terrified I had no idea what adoption was like? I had no knowledge of open adoption and I knew I couldn’t live without knowing if he was ok. I know this was all in God’s hands... he led us to the right place and to the right parents for our child and for that I am very thankful….sad, but thankful.
Since my adoption, I have married and have a beautiful daughter, Abbey.

Dave also married and this is him and his wife.


  1. thank you karine for allowing me to share my story...this is my first time writing it down and also the first time i have shared it with others (besides close family members)

  2. I'm so sorry you felt like you owed some one your baby. I'm sorry no one from your agency told you that you didn't owe anyone but your child anything.
    I'm glad to see you have an open adoption though....